[still hiding at Jake's room at the Ochmoneks' house as throws a cloth to the lamp] Now the room is starting to work for me.
Willie[opens Jake's room] ALF? What are you doing?
All that I can with these pieces.
Willie
[worried] Come home with me this instant!
I am home, Willie. I live here now. Would you give me a hand with that chiffonier?
Willie
[comes in Jake's room] Stop redecorating. What if Trevor and Raquel hear you?
Relax, Wilco. They're out in their garden seeing if any of their potatoes look like celebrities.
Willie
Why would you want to live here?
What do you care? You've got Kate, and Lynn, and Brian. And pretty soon you'll have that "B" word.
Willie
"B" word? What do you mean, the baby?
[sneezes] See, that's why I can't live with you anymore. I'm allergic to babies.
Willie
[sighs] What do you mean you're allergic to babies?
Somebody brought one to Kate's shower and put it in the nursery. Soon as I went near the kid, I nearly sneezed up a lung. [sneezes]
Willie
Well, you're sneezing now. There's no baby here.
Well, all I have to do is think about babies and I sneeze.
Willie
Well, there you are, ALF. You're not allergic! The whole thing is psychosomatic.
"Psychosomatic," what's that? A food processor at the Bates Motel?
Willie
It means you may think that this baby is gonna take your place.
Don't try to analyze me, I'm too complex.
Willie
Well, I'm worried about you, ALF.
Yeah. Well, don't bother. I'm no longer a concern of yours. I'm history, vapor, yesterday's old, stinky, smelly garbage with maggots all over it.
Willie
You know, when I married Kate, I loved her more than anything in the world. And then we had Lynn and Brian, and I found out I love them just as much. But that didn't mean that I loved Kate any the less. And then well, maybe, uh, it's not exactly the same, But, you know, we love ya, pal. We all do.
On whose behalf are you speaking?
Willie
Well, on my own, of course, and Lynn's and Brian's.
Willie
And I'm sure Kate, in her own special way, in her own particular way.
Willie
She loves you.
Willie
No one, believe me, no one could ever take your place. But if you really think that you'd like to live over here.
Well, well, this room and I really aren't in sync, and there's no sink in this room. But-
Willie
But what?
But if I'm to stay at your house, I want to be important to you guys. I want to be a part of things. I want to name your baby.
Willie
Forget it.
[offscreen] Jake, are you in there?
Willie
[whispering] ALF, hide.
[Willie covers him with a blanket]
[opens Jake's door and sees the mess from Jake's room] Hello, Willie.
Willie
Oh, hello, Raquel.
Willie
Oh, I was looking for our cat.
Well, when you're through in here, would you please put the furniture back the way you found it? [leaves]
Willie
Have a nice day.
[comes out] Let's go home and burp the baby.
Willie
No, the baby's not even born yet.
Then let's just go home and burp.
Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?
Willie
Yeah, going on three years now.
No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.
Willie
Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.
Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!
[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]
[off-camera from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's me!
[Willie opens the door.]
Willie
Morning.
Good morning. I'll take it.
Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]
Willie
[reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?
Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.
Willie
No. I mean, we're not selling the house.
Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.
Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel. [closes door and walks away disappointed]
[Willie comes out of the kitchen and sees the mess that ALF made in the living room]
Willie
ALF, I'd like to hear about it one more time.
Don't torture yourself, Willie.
Willie
Please.
Willie
Just once more. Why'd you flood the house?
I wanted to make a skating rink.
Willie
And how are you planning to freeze the water?
By turning the air conditioner on high.
Willie
I'd like to hear about it one more time. Just one more, come on.
This is not a bergman movie, Willie. It's fairly cut and dried. Water, air conditioner, holiday on ice.
Willie
I'm going to go for a little while. I'm going to rent a pump for the basement. Just tell me one more time. Just one more-
Willie, go rent your pump.
Willie
Now, I'm going to rent A PUMP! [leaves the house]
What was all that about? [telephone rings and he answers it] Your 2 dimes.
ACAnonymous Caller
Gordon Shumway?
ACAnonymous Caller
This is someone who knows you're an alien. And if you don't pay me $3,000 by Friday, I'm going to turn you in to the authorities.
Ah, the number you have reached is not in service. Please hang up and dial again.
ACAnonymous Caller
Don't get cute. I'll call you back tomorrow morning with more details, pinhead. [hangs up the phone]
Ah. Ok. Don't panic. Willie'll help you. He always helps you. I'm dog food.
[arrives at the farm after running away from the Tanners] Hello? Anyone in here? I, uh I ran out of gas just down the road. Hello? Interesting aroma. Oh, hey, I don't suppose you have a key to the house. I need to use the phone. [the cow moos] Sorry. I guess I can relate to you. We're all prisoners in one way or another. But must it be so? I cannot change my own destiny, Maybe I could change yours. Go! Get along, little doggy. Yee-hah!
Willie
ALF!
Willie, how did you find me?
Willie
I saw the car parked down by the side of the road. I followed the empty candy wrappers here.
I was going to pick them up on my way back. They were to help me find the car.
Willie
What happened?
You neglected to fill the tank.
Willie
ALF, you don't have to turn yourself in.
Willie
No, no, I know who's blackmailing you. And he doesn't think you're an alien, alien. He thinks that you're an illegal alien.
You mean I almost turned myself in because of semantics? [yelling] I ALMOST TURNED MYSELF IN BECAUSE OF SEMANTICS!
Willie
ALF, why did you- Why didn't you come to me before you did something this drastic?
I did come to you. If you'll recall, you didn't believe me.
Willie
Oh, I know. I'm sorry, pal.
Besides, he threatened to have you guys arrested. I thought I'd work through this myself.
Willie
ALF, what was the last thing you tried to do by yourself?
Build a skating rink in the living room. Egad! A pattern.
Willie
We'd better get out of here before somebody sees you.
Ok, but wait. We can't leave my friend.
Willie
Your friend?
Yeah. I named her after your wife.
Willie
Kate?
Bossy. Besides, you know what happens to them.
Willie
ALF, this is a milk cow. They don't slaughter milk cows.
They don't? You lying cow! Come on. Let's hit the trail, Willie Earp.
Willie
[sees a light flashing] Somebody's coming.
I'll hide in the kitchen. Where's the kitchen?
Willie
Just hide.
FFarmer
[turns on the light and meets Willie] Who are you?
Willie
I'm Willie Tanner. I'm from the city.
FFarmer
What're you doing here?
Willie
Oh, well, I-
FFarmer
I know what you're doing. You're a chicken thief!
Willie
Oh, no, no, no, you see-
FFarmer
I really hate thieves. They're always taking things that don't belong to them. You win.
Willie
Well, look here, My car ran out of gas down the road. I was just wondering if, maybe, i could get some from you?
FFarmer
Why didn't you say so? Sure. I can fill this up for you, I got a tank.
Willie
Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Say, how much would you want for that?
Willie
$20 for a gallon of gas?
FFarmer
The nearest gas station is a 4-hour walk. Kind of cold to be walking in jammies. Thank you. I'll go fill this up for you. [leaves the farm as ALF comes out]
He was nice. Why didn't you tip him?
Willie
Just get back to the car.
Ok. Race you back to town.
Willie
No. There's not going to be any racing. Kate's going to drive our car, I'm going to take Trevor's.
Ok. Just a second. Bossy, it's been a pleasure. Take care of yourself and watch that cholesterol, huh?
Willie
[comes in the garage] Hi, ALF.
Willie, what's another word for beautiful?
Willie
Attractive.
What's another word for attractive?
Willie
Alluring.
What's another word for alluring?
Willie
Annoying.
What's another word for annoying?
Willie
ALF.
That doesn't work. It doesn't rhyme with Oh, Baby.
Willie
What are you working on there?
This is a missive of love onnbehalf of young Jake Ochmonek.
Willie
Jake, is in love?
Disgustingly so. But he thinks of himself as just another scrawny gawky, geeky kid. You remember the feeling, Willie.
Willie
You better, uh, you better be careful, ALF. You can get into trouble playing Cyrano.
Willie
No, I'm talking about "Cyrano de Bergerac." It's a play. I-I've got a copy of it somewhere. It's-it's a classical French play about a man named Christian who falls in love with a beautiful woman but he is too embarrassed to talk to her.
WWiliie
Exactly. So he gets his friend Cyrano to-to write a letter to the girl for him because Cyrano is-is so gifted and sensitive.
Willie
Cyrano's a great romantic but he is ashamed to talk to women in person because he's got a very big, [pause] and they all lived happily ever after.
Whoa, whoa! Big-big-big, big what?
Willie
[struggles] Nose.
Willie
Umm, nose.
Willie
Very large nose.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Willie
Well, I thought I, I mean, I, I thought I-
You thought I might be offended because this Cyrano guy had a jumbo hooter and I happen to take a husky in snout warmers?
Willie
Oh, yes.
No problem. I'm not that vain.
Willie
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I, I guess I misjudged you.
[ALF is cooking his breakfast at the stove]
Willie
[walks in the kitchen] Morning.
Willie
What are you cooking?
Willie
Oh, no.
Relax, it's just my June bug scallopini.
Hence the crackling noise.
Willie
You're frying June bugs?
Please, Willie. You fry caterpillars. June bugs you sautee.
Willie
[closes the pan] Go sit. [ALF walks away]
Mmm, what smells so good?
ALF, do you have something in the oven?
Willie
What?
Someone accidentally knocked it into his fish tank, Willie.
Willie
I didn't do it!
I didn't say you did. I did it. So I put it in the oven to dry.
[Willie takes Brain's history book from the oven]
Oh, no! No! I'm-I'm doomed!
For Melmackians, It's bad luck to destroy a history book.
You mean bad luck like when you open an umbrella indoors?
Worse. Bad luck like jilting a mafia princess.
[Kate screams as the pan starts to get on fire]
[sees his burned history book in the sink] My history book is history.
My life is history. I'm an accursed Melmackian. I belong in the realm of the- Gosh darned.
Ours was a polite society.
I don't get it. Why is it bad luck to destroy a history book?
Because Melmacians have a great respect for books. If you destroy a history book, you cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past.
Willie
That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"
Wait. I don't make fun of your stupid planet. Electoral college.
How long is this curse thing supposed to last?
I'm looking at 7 years of bad luck followed by 7 years of really bad luck.
[Lynn comes in the kitchen]
Willie
Who was that at the door, sweetheart?
Willie
Uh-oh. Boy troubles?
Dad, really. You make it sound like I'm 12 years old.
Willie
Oh, I'm sorry. What's the problem?
Just a little, difficulty with, a guy.
And you say you understand your daughter.
Danny can't go to the dance tomorrow night.
Willie
Oh, what a shame.
I was really looking forward to it.
Willie
Well, isn't there somebody else you can go with?
I think I might be free. I'll check my week at a glance.
It wouldn't be right to get another date. Danny and I are going steady. Kind of.
Willie
Well, did you exchange socks?
Willie
What exactly are you talking about?
The 3 stages of courtship on Melmac exchange left socks, trade bellybutton lint and spit in each other's soup. Well, you got to admit it's a bond.
Willie
When did you and Danny decide that you were going steady?
There wasn't one specific moment.
Willie
But he's not seeing any other girls?
He didn't say that exactly.
But he doesn't want you to date other guys?
I don't know. He probably doesn't.
So you have no promises, no lint, no spit. What do you have?
If you need me, I'll be in my room.
This problem would be solved if she would just hocktooey into Danny's chowder.
Willie
That's disgusting.
Know what's wrong with you, Willie? No sense of romance.
[ALF and Brian are looking at a book about animals]
Bri, I'm looking for a pet, Not a date to the prom.
Willie
[walks over to ALF and Brian] What are you guys looking at?
It's a book about animals of the world. ALF's trying to decide which one he wants to get for a pet.
Willie
We already have a cat.
But you told me never to play with my food!
Willie
Why do you want a pet?
Why does anyone want a pet? The ultimate in power trips.
Bugs him that I'm taller than he is now.
Willie
Well, power trips aside, there's no room in this house for another pet, just at the moment.
Precisely why I'm leaning towards a pet we could keep outside. I.E. you're basic barnyard horse. Here's the '89 Mustang.
Willie
We won't be getting a horse or any other barnyard. Type animal, for that matter, thank you.
Let's wait until after dinner, to broach the buffalo.
Willie
[arrives home with ALF's new pet] If you could, uh, dismount for a moment there's something I'd like to show you.
Alright. This saddle's giving me splinters anyway. Whoa, boy, whoa!
Willie
I decided it might be good for you to have a pet after all.
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'll feed him oats every day. I'll even name him after you. White Beauty.
Willie
It's not a horse, but it's something I think you'll like just as much.
Willie
Look closer.
Willie
It's an ant farm.
You're right, Willie. This is just like having a horse. You actually paid money for this?
Willie
I paid 7.99, plus tax.
You were robbed! An old soda bottle left outdoors gives you the same effect.
Willie
You're missing the point, ALF. Ants are fascinating. And with this, you get a chance to watch them work and play in a natural environment.
Willie, you call green windmills and plastic trees a natural environment?
Willie
Ants don't care about that. All they want is a place to tunnel and dirt they can call their own.
Willie
Well, they're your pets. You get to feed and care for them. And in return, they-they let you in to their private lives.
They live in a picture window! What kind of private lives can they have?
Willie
Would you rather I return them?
Could they be exchanged for something with fewer legs and a saddle?
[goes upstairs to the attic singing as Willie hides his ant farm behind his back] Hi, Lynne Helm. Will Helm.
Willie
Hi, ALF.
Hi, ALF. I brought you a present, ALF.
Hey! An ant calendar. Thanks, Lynnie. The boys love reading about their distant cousins.
Willie
ALF, I think there's something you should know about your ants.
I know, I know. Ants can't read. It's just a little anthropomorphic game I like to play with them.
Willie
Actually, I was referring to something else.
Willie
Well, you remember you told me what happens to orbit gnats when they fly too close to your ship's heat shield?
Willie
Well, the same thing can happen to an ant when it's left in the sun too long. [gives ALF his ant farm]
Willie
They are dead.
You sure they're not sun-tanning? [he cries in shock after his ants passed away]
[worried] My poor little goombas. An hour ago, they were working at the farm.
Willie
And now they bought it.
Willie
[laughs and tickles as he wakes up] Kate, cut it out!
Willie
Tickling me.
No! I'm not touching you.
Willie
[wakes up and finds ants on him] There are ants on me. There, there are ants in my pajamas.
[sees ants on the bed] There are ants everywhere.
Willie
Yes, yes. I can see that, dear. I'll just get the bug spray.
I'll help you. [he and Willie go out from their bedroom] Why are there so many ants in the house all of a sudden? [she and Willie find food in the kitchen that ALF left on the floor]
Willie
Perhaps these strategically placed dishes of food might give us a clue.
Just once I would like to walk into this kitchen and not find something all over the floor.
Willie
Just go into the other room, Kate. I'll spray in here.
Why don't we just burn the place down and start over?
Willie
That'd be plan B. Plan A is, where's the bug spray?
[mad] Why did you do this?
Do what? Throw away the bug spray? Or set up the teeny-weeny truck stops?
Willie
Eventually, you're going to have to explain both so start where you like and stop when I tell you.
I'm dedicating my life to the care and preservation of the ant species.
If you leave food all over the house, we are going to have ants everywhere!
It's the least I can do for them after I wiped out their kinfolk and everything.
Willie
ALF, inviting the remainder of the Earth's ant population into our house isn't gonna bring back your ant farm.
Willie
ALF, you've got to get over this.
I failed to protect my pet ants, Willie. I'm not gonna fail with the general ant public.
Trust me, ALF. Your ants stand a much better chance of survival outside of my kitchen.
Willie
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
Nothing doing. This time he's mine.
Willie
No, wait, wait Kate. ALF might not feel as bad about losing his ants if he just had a chance to say goodbye to them formally like, you know, like a memorial service.
What a lovely idea. But I don't think it'll help.
Willie
Well, sure it will, ALF. Rituals are a very effective way of dealing with grief.
Willie
You'll have a funeral, we'll all come it'll be very touching! And it'll be over, right?
Willie
In the middle of a picnic.
[at the end, ALF is eating all the picnic leftovers]
Willie
[comes in] I see you found the picnic leftovers.
It's amazing! I almost got my appetite back.
Willie
Amazing. You ate all that chicken?
Yeah. I didn't even want the last 2 pieces. It was just the momentum.
Willie
Well, you seem to be back to your old self.
I guess I still have this dull ache inside.
Willie
You've been through a great deal of pain in the last 24 hours, ALF. It's just your body responding to that.
Nah, I think it's Kate's potato salad. I've had problems with it before! [belches loudly as the episode ends]
[ALF is in the kitchen tying knots]
Willie
Hey, ALF.
What are you doing? Tying a slip knot, but I can't get it to not slip.
Willie
Say, that's not my good string, is it?
Willie, If you have good string. You've got to get out more.
Willie
Brian? It's 10 to 7:00. We're going to be late for the scout meeting.
Don't tell me, Willie. You made a few calls and got him into the national guard.
Willie
Must you make that joke every time you see Brian in his uniform?
Willie
Well, I think you look great, B.
Willie
Seeing you in that uniform really takes me back.
You were a badger scout? I mean, you went outside and everything?
Willie
There has been more to my life than going to work, you know.
I know. You also take off your glasses and rub your nose a lot.
Willie
I was a badger scout for 4 years. I earned 11 badges, and I received an award in fire prevention, which has proven far more useful than I ever would have dreamed possible. Brian. Let's go.
These aren't very good knots, ALF.
Stop badgering me, you little badger.
Willie
Come on, B, we're late.
Willie
Bye. Car keys. [as he leaves with the keys, the tablecloth comes off because ALF tied the keys to it]
ALF · 397 quotes
