[ALF burps after having his dinner]
ALF3. Number 4 still hasn't digested that Reebok.
[arrives home] Hi, everyone.
ALF
Gentlemen, start your enzymes.
ALF
Don't tell me. That new guy at work held you up again.
Yeah. Once that Jim starts talking to us, it's impossible to get away. This time I actually had my hand on the car door before he got me.
ALF
Who is this guy? The idiot son of the boss?
ALF
Well, you better not be late tomorrow night. Or have you forgotten about helping me Put up the satellite dish?
ALF
Oh. I ordered a satellite dish. It'll be here tomorrow. Will you help me put it up?
I'll help you send it back.
ALF
Can't. I bought it during their "Absolutely No Refunds What Are You Deaf?" sale.
[panicking] Absolutely no refunds?!
ALF
What, are you deaf?
[Willie and Kate quietly come in the kitchen]
ALF! How long have you been out here?
ALF
Long enough to hate little orphan whiney with every fiber of my being.
It's not his fault he's an orphan.
ALF
Wanna bet? He probably bored his parents to death.
Honey, it is time for him to go home.
I'm trying, Kate! The man cannot take a hint!
ALF
See if he can take a swift kick in the butt.
Alright, he's taken advantage of us long enough! I'm going to have to be firm with him!
ALF
"Firm?" Oh-h-h! I haven't you this worked up since the time you were "adamant." [Willie leaves the kitchen] Too rough? [Kate walks away]
ALF
[outside with a bat late at night] This is the city. Los Angeles, California. I was working the night watch out of the backyard. Today is Friday. My name is ALF. I carry a bat. Whoa, someone's lurking in the bushes. Cat burglar. [Willie screams and gets caught in ALF's trap] Wha.. Oh, an intruder! [he screams and attacks Willie]
Oh! Oh! Ow! ALF, no! ALF, what are you doing?
ALF
Protecting the family from murderers! You were the last person I would have suspected, Willie.
[groans] I'm not a murderer, yet!
ALF
Yeah, maybe I should come back when you're in a better mood.
[voiceover] Hey, Tanner, is that you?
[ALF leaves the backyard as Trevor opens the gate and checks on Willie]
Trevor, what I'm doing, is very complicated and it requires all my concentration. So if you'd please care to come back later, I'd be happy to answer any questions at that time. Thank you, and goodnight.
Goodnight. [closes the gate]
ALF
Okay, okay. [he cuts Willie down]
[lying on the grass] ALF, would you come over here for a minute?
ALF
Uh-uh.
Would you just.. Would you mind just coming.. Coming here just within my reach, PLEASE?
ALF
You appear to be at the end of my rope.
I thought I told you to go to bed!
ALF
Willie, one of us has to insure domestic tranquility. And provide for the common defense. Besides, you didn't say, "Simon says".
ALF
[wakes up as hears a strange noise] What.. Oh. A stranger approaches. Steady, ALF. Steady. Don't soil yourself. [Jimbo jumps over the fence, he walks around the backyard, and gets caught in ALF's trap] Behold. Excalibur.
[comes to the backyard] ALF? What was that?
ALF
Willie, you're just in time. I caught a murderer! [Willie gasps and falls down to the hole that Jimbo fell on] Don't mention it.
ALF
My guess would be that he hit his head on your sewer pipe.
[as she and Lynn arrive at the backyard late at night] What's going on, ALF?
ALF
Hero ALF.
Why is dad going through the pockets of man in a hole in our backyard at night?
Because we have an alien.
Oh, right. What are you looking for?
ALF
Okay, but we split 50/50.
I am looking for identification!
ALF
You're wasting your time! No criminal's gonna carry ID on him!
Unless he's an FBI agent.
ALF
[gasps] I disavow any knowledge of my actions. Bye!
[Kate and Willie go into the backyard to look for ALF]
Maybe he's in the garage.
ALF
[gets up from the hole] Ah, oh, ow!' Oh, ah. Stupid pipe!
ALF, guess what? For once your overreacting actually paid off. That guy you caught really was a crook! As it turns out, you are a hero!
ALF
Well, that's nice. Really great. Just 1 question.
ALF
Who are you people?
[at the end, the family gives ALF a homemade medal for his bravery]
For meritorious service above and beyond the call of duty we hereby present to you the Tanner Medal of Honor.
ALF
Shucks, folks. I'm speechless, almost. 11 score and 12 years ago. [reads from a book] My parents brought forth a new hero conceived in a De Soto, and dedicated-
[interrupted ALF's reading] ALF. ALF, wrap it up or we take the medal back.
ALF
As God as my witness I'll never be hungry again. Thank you. [the family claps for him] And now, Kate, how about making me a hero sandwich? [laughs, but he hides under the table as Trevor knocks on the door]
[Willie opens the door and finds Trevor cover by ALF's trap]
You got something I could cut Raquel down with?
I think there's something in the garage. I'll help you.
If you don't want people taking avocados from your tree just say so. [he and Willie leave the house]
ALF
[gets up as Kate stares at him] Last trap, I promise.
JOJake Ochmonek
Hey, this is the problem, the spark plugs! Jake does some work OK, Mr. Tanner, start it up!
Willie starts engine and it sputters to life
JOJake Ochmonek
You are welcome. Hey, I do not want to sound conspiratorial, but it looked as if the wires were cut just shy of being severed. Wonder why that is?
ALF
It means Willie was gypped!
JOJake Ochmonek
Actually, ALF may be on to something. There have been fraud cases where mechanics fix one part of the car then sabotage another part to create unneccesary repeat business.
ALF
Remember, Kate, I like my waffles crisp, yet al dente. Cooked to a golden amber, and served piping hot on a gently warmed plate. [Kate puts the waffle on his plate] How does she do it?
Do you want some maple syrup, ALF?
ALF
On waffles? How gauche. Get me the garlic salt?
Guess what? The car won't start again.
3 times in 2 weeks. Every time they fix 1 thing, something else goes wrong.
ALF
Well, I don't get it. Why keep spending money on something that doesn't work and causes nothing but aggravation?
Somehow we've gotten used to it. [ALF burps] Sort of.
ALF
Speaking of aggravation we're out of garlic salt.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! Guess who?
ALF
Let me take a stab. It's the wacky next door neighbor. [hides under the table]
Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate. Hi, kids.
I just stopped by to see if you needed a ride to work again.
Well, as a matter of fact, I do. My car won't start again.
You should let Jake take a look at it. Kid could fix anything, has my car running like Florence Joyner. Oh, by the way, Jake will be doing the driving this morning. I hope you don't mind.
I didn't know Jake could drive.
He just got his learner's permit. I'm teaching him. Kid's a natural. 5 days he's been driving, hasn't hit a living thing. We'll bring the car out front.
ALF
[hiding under the table] Yo, Lynn, you could use a pedicure. [Lynn kicks him from under the table] Ow!
[Willie is fixing the car in the garage and he bumps his head on the car's hood when ALF honks at the car]
ALF
Horn works!
ALF
Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident.
[sees Jake come in the garage] Oh, hello, Jake.
Hi, Mr. Tanner. Hey, ALF.
ALF
What brings you over, Jake-Speare?
Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are showing slides from their trip to Carlsbad caverns. All 400 of them.
I've seen those. 216 stalactites. 184 stalagmites.
Those are the ones. Still having car trouble, huh?
ALF
Yeah, but have no fear. It's being handled by Mr. No-Goodwrench.
Be my guest. I got a hunch it's the distributor.
ALF
Well, that rules out the distributor!
No, here's your problem. It's the spark plug wire. I'll have it fixed in no time.
ALF
Don't be embarrassed, Willie.
ALF
Not everybody can fix things.
ALF
I'm sure there are several things you could do that--
Ok, Mr. Tanner. Start her up when I say now. Ok, now. [car engine starts]
ALF
Now are you embarrassed?
[car engine stops]
Jake, what can I say? Thank you.
ALF
You never thank me when I humiliate you.
You know, I can't be sure, but it looks like somebody cut that wire on purpose, then just patched it together real loose. Has anybody been under the hood lately?
ALF
Don't look at me. I just honked the horn.
Well, I have been taking the car to a new mechanic lately, but I-
ALF
There's your problem. The guy's a crook.
Oh, ALF, don't jump to conclusions like that.
ALF
No, I saw it on 60 Minutes. These mechanics fix 1 thing, Then they break something else so you keep coming back.
You know, ALF could be right, Mr. Tanner. I've heard of that scam, too, on that David Horowitz Show.
Well, why don't I just give the garage a call? There must be a simple explanation for this broken wire.
ALF
Yeah, you got took. Conned. Nicked and clipped. You got your horn swoggled and your film flamed.
[on the phone] Hello, Sam, it's Willie Tanner here. Yes, it's nice to hear your voice again, too. Listen, Sam, I wonder if you noticed anything unusual about my car. Uh, engine wise, I mean. Uh, like, say, uh, severed wire.
ALF
Yo crook! This is Mike Wallace! You're under arrest! [Willie walks away]
No, I'm not accusing you, but it is possible. Not that I'm accusing you, mind, but-but you understand. That's not an accusation.
ALF
If memory serves Bob Newhart is much funnier doing his phone bit.
Well, I guess we have nothing more to say to one another. [hangs up the phone] You know, I'm beginning to think you may be right. I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau.
ALF
Have them throw the book at this guy. Preferably something by James Michener.
ALF
[while reading a book] Hey, hey, did you know that if you looked really carefully you could see Elvis in one of the crowd scenes in Gandhi?
Do you believe everything you read?
ALF
Yeah, except for stuff marked unbreakable.
Where'd you get that book anyway?
ALF
I joined the legend of the month club. Next month, they're doing Steve Allen.
ALF, Elvis Presley died more than 10 years ago.
ALF
Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain this shocking photograph of Elvis standing in line for Pirates of the Caribbean?
ALF
We've found him. We've found Elvis.
Oh, good. I was getting tired of looking for him.
ALF
I'm serious, Willie. The king lives 2 doors down.
ALF
Well, look, Raquel said this guy's in his 50s, he has a Southern accent, and he likes to sing.
Who else could it be? Willie Nelson, Jerry Lee Lewis, Huckleberry Hound?
ALF
No, no, no. Those guys would never live next to the Ochmonek's.
ALF
I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.
ALF
OK. How about this? Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.
ALF, you are grasping at straws.
ALF
[shouts at Willie] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis. [Willie runs away to the kitchen] Well, at least I got his watch.
ALF
[pops his head up] Elvis has left the building!
It was not Elvis Presley.
ALF
Are you kidding? He was on that sandwich like red beans on rice.
ALF, he didn't seem like Elvis to me either.
ALF
Elvis was a brilliant actor. He could play anything from a singing race car driver to a singing deep sea diver.
Even if this man were Elvis Presley, and I assure you he's not, he would never admit it.
ALF
I bet I can get it out of him.
[yelling] Leave the man alone! Leave him alone!
ALF
So what are you saying? Leave the man alone? [Willie and Lynn leave the garage after they ignored ALF's question] I won't rest till I prove this man is Elvis Presley. [yawns] But first, I think I'll take a nap.
Oh, what a wonderful surprise. Oh, thank you, Raquel, Laverne.
How did you know it was our idea?
Who else could be so thoughtful? [turns around to Andrea] Oh, Andrea, you brought little Elliot.
AAndrea
Yeah. I'm afraid it's past his naptime, though. If there's somewhere I could just go lay him down.
We can christen the nursery. Come on, I'll show you where it is.
AAndrea
Great. [she and Lynn walk upstairs to the nursery]
ALF
Oh, man. Heavy trip.
[offscreen] It's right in here, Andrea.
[ALF walks to the closet and closes the door as Andrea and Lynn come in the nursery]
AAndrea
Oh, what a cute room.
AAndrea
Come on, sweetie. [drops Elliot in the crib] There we go.
AAndrea
Um, $35,000 for college. He'll be fine. [she and Lynn leave the nursery]
ALF
[looks at Elliot who laying down in the crib] So, you're a rugrat. Not very user-friendly, are you? Yeah. We're getting one you bundles of joy pretty soon. Yeah. Yeah. People will be making a big fuss over it. Lynn'll be saying things like, "Uchie Cuchie, Little Mimi". [sneezes] Kate will be bring it baby formula, whatever that is. Brian'll be reading to it. [sneezes] Willie will be changing its diapers, taking it to the movies. And I'll be- [sneezes] Ah, I'll be sneezing my snout straight. I think I'm allergic to this thing. [sneezes]
[as she hears ALF sneezing upstairs] I'll check on that. It was probably the cat. Or the plumbing. Or the cat in the plumbing. Excuse me. [walks away]
[holds up a bowl] Bridge mix?
[while ALF sneezes, Lynn comes in the nursery and confronts him]
ALF
Aren't you gonna say gesundheit?
What is the matter with you?
ALF
I'm allergic to babies.
ALF
Oh, yeah? Watch. [sneezes in front of Elliot] See, allergic to babies.
[comes in] What is going on in here? ALF, we have a house full of guests.
ALF
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Motherload. You won't be able to keep your baby.
ALF
I found out I'm allergic to them. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you. [sneezes] I'll get you a goldfish. [sneezes]
We will talk about this later. Now, please, get back out to the garage. [leaves]
ALF
[sniffling] Aw, this is all your fau-, fau-, fau-. [sneezes] Hey, they really are more absorbent.
ALF · 397 quotes
