Finn[looks around] Who's the Teller? That guy?
BDBoat Demon
Okay, bozos, [whacks a demon with his oar] make room, make room! Make room!
BDBoat Demon
Scooch over, fatty.
DDemon
I can't, dude! This outbox is packed tighter than my tummy tunnel when I can't make brown on the camping trips... because of my anxieties and I have IBS also. [gets hit with oar] Ow!
Finn
Hey, guy! Are you the Teller?
BDBoat Demon
No. No, no, this is the line to meet the Teller.
Finn
[hits his head] No, man, are you for real?! How long's the wait?!
BDBoat Demon
I don't know. I just like to row around on top of their heads.
Finn
Bunk that!
[holds up the banana] Hey, do you know about this?
BDBoat Demon
I... ew, no. Ehh... sick.
Finn
Why do we need to see the Teller anyway? We just wanna see Hunson Abadeer and find out what happened to us.
BDBoat Demon
The Teller will get you in touch with Hunson Abadeer. We got systems down here. You gotta swim the proper channels, ya know?
DDemon
Yous ain't special! Yous gotta wait just like the rest of yous! ..Us.
Finn
Ugh... Where's the line start?
BDBoat Demon
Oh... I dunno. The thing sorta governs itself.
[the camera cuts to more footage showing the Nightosphere via Jake's cameraphone]
"Alright, so... this is the Nightosphere, I guess. It looks banay-nays. Marceline says they got tons of crazy ways out here. [walks into the cave to see Finn and Marceline playing tambourine and banjo respectively] Right, Marceline? Marceline! [waves hand in front of the camera] Marcy!! [uses index finger and thumb on Marceline, morphs it into a claw hand while making sounds] Hehehe...
HHunson
"There you are, Marceline. [pans out to show Hunson in his monster form] Huh? RAHHH!!!"
HHunson
"Oh! Hello, dog. Hello, Finn." [swipe at Finn]
Finn
"Stay away from me, old man!" [points at him and shakes tambourine]
[watching the video] Hehehe... nice one.
HHunson
"Now, Finn. [shrinks down into his non-monster state] Come on, there's no bad blood here. Come here, let's bury the hatchet! [hugs Finn] See how I'm not killing you?"
HHunson
"Alright, I don't want to embarrass my little girl. [puts Finn down] So young lady, have you thought about my offer?"
"What offer, Marceline's Dad?"
HHunson
[chuckles] "I want Marceline to take over the Nightosphere. Finally join the family business."
"Business? What do you even do?"
HHunson
Oh, ha... [backing away] Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...
[the camera points towards Jake's belly as he scratches himself. The camera points back to Hunson and Marceline observing the burning landscape]
HHunson
"Check it out, sweetie. See how chaotic it is out there? [fire shoots out of the ground] How everyone's confused and frustrated? The Nightosphere is sustained by chaos."
[camera swipe to Finn jiggling his cheeks, swipe back]
"Eh, I just don't see my self doing this biz."
HHunson
"Okay, but I know you'll come around eventually. Or maybe you won't. I don't know. You're an independent woman. [yawns so hard his soul-sucking face is seen as Jake backs away] Well, I'm gonna take a nappy. [taking a stroll] Oh! I almost forgot!" [takes off a neck ornament and sucks his suit into it; he is now wearing underpants and an undershirt]
HHunson
"Whoops! [laughs, hands it to her] You should put this amulet on. It'll grant you wishes for, like... ponies, or whatever kids like."
"Dad, I'm a thousand years old."
HHunson
"Ha! Yes you are, sweetie. [messing her hair, walks away] Daddy's little monster!"
[Finn and Jake find Marceline's dad (Hunson) holding a sandwich and mustard from the fridge]
Finn
What are you doing?
HHunson
Just grabbing a midnight snack. [shuts fridge]
Finn
It's Marceline! That's her out there!
HHunson
I know. Isn't it fantastic?
Finn
No! We have to save her!
Finn
From the amulet!
HHunson
But this is what I've always wanted. My daughter, following in his daddy's footsteps.
Finn
But that's not what she wants!
HHunson
That's balderdash, baby.
[back at the Tree Fort, Jake is listening to music in another room]
Finn
[offscreen] Jake! Hey, Jake! [Jake takes off one side of his headphones] Jake!
Finn
Come here! Ya gotta check this out!
Finn
Check this out, man. This bear is tops blooby! [Jake rolls his eyes and sighs] Watch this. [Finn inhales and the bear does the same] Choo! [the bear does the same] Ya gotta try this, Jake. He does everything I do!
[Finn slushes his drink at full force. The bear looks for something to imitate with, picks up and chews on BMO's leg]
[laughing] Oh, stop! [Finn pulls BMO away]
Finn
Haha, come on, Jake, try it!
Heh-heh. Um... Yeah, okay. [grabs a broom and starts sweeping] Sweepy-sweepy-sweepy. Sweep sweep sweep. [sweeps the bear's side] Sweepin'!
[the bear thwacks Jake up high onto the ground, and scratches its face. Finn comes by laughing]
Finn
He's got me down pat! Heh-hah! Sweeping's weak.
Finn: Whoa! Haha! This guy's alright!
[beat] This guy just busted me up my chops, Finn!
Finn
Hey, come on, he's just a bear. He don't know nothin'.
Mmmm... Yeah, I guess. Well, anyway, it's gettin' pretty late. Probably time for everyone to go back home to their own houses.
Finn
Yeah, I guess you're right, Jake. It is pretty late. He should probably stay here tonight. [Jake scowls] You can sleep in the bathtub.
Finn
[laughing] Brathtub! This guy is tops blooby!
[at Ice Kingdom] I said I don't know! [groans] I have nothing to do with this!
Stop lying! We found your fingerprints at the crime scene!
Oh, well... then why did you say that?
Finn
Ice King, we know you did it!
Finn, I'm as concerned as you are. There's some sicko out there. What if he comes after my princess?
Yeah. Let me introduce you to my new wife.
[he removes a cloak from a shadowed figure revealing a grotesque mash-up of all the princesses, making Finn and Jake gasp in horror. Ice King looks back and forth]
Oh, wait. You mean I'm the guy stealing all the p— Yeah, okay, I get it now.
Finn
Hey, Jake. What's wrong? You look dumpy. How come? I-Is it because of that metal box? [runs to Jake looking out the window] Is something sad inside?
Finn
There's lots of boxes that have nothing in them. But also, you can put something in the box. And then it won't be empty! Does that make you feel better? [Jake turns to him]
[chuckles] You're a charmer, Finn Human. No... it's, well... Lady Rainicorn doesn't want to play the game Card Wars with me. [shows box full of cards to Finn] I always beat her. 'Cause she says "No more Card Warring."
Finn
What's Card Wars?
It's a fantasy card game that's super-complicated and awesome, but— well... oh, it's kinda stupid. Never mind.
Finn
How come you never talked abut it before? It sounds cool!
Really? Well, I thought you'd say it was for nerds who do not know how life is outside the nerd universe.
Finn
I-It is, man. But I still totally want to play it. So no more moping, okay?
Okay, now it's the battle phase. I'm attacking your schoolhouse with my Husker Knights. [summons three corn-shaped knights] And, I'm casting Cerebral Bloodstorm! [summons a flying brain which rains down a cornfield] So, what do you use to defend? [his Husker Knights and Cerebral Bloodstorm starts charging into Finn's side]
Finn
Uhh... can my Cool Dog and Ancient Scholar defeat your Husker Knights? [Jake laughs out loud]
Finn
Hmm... Then, I floop the pig.
Finn
What?
Okay, okay. First of all, you don't floop a creature to make it fight. You activate a creature.
Finn
Hmm, no — it says I can floop the pig. See? [summons a pig]
[the pig is flooped onto the battlefield. It runs past the Knights and Bloodstorm and begins eating the cornfields; Jake gasps in shock]
No! He's eating all my cornfields! My Husker Knights draw energy from corn! [his Knights drop dead]
Finn
And since I'm not actually attacking, your Cerebral Bloodstorm only does damage to your own kingdom's troops. [the Bloodstorm strikes thunder to his Knights; Jake gasps loudly]
You just wiped out my entire attack!
Finn
What do you expect if all your power units come from corn? Pigs eat corn, dude. Cornfields stink.
Cornfields are awesome!! What makes you think you know so much about Card Wards?!
Finn
It's just logic.
You're the cool guy, huh? Well, let me make it a little hot for you, then. (He chuckles sinisterly as he floops a land card) I floop the VOLCANO!
Finn
WHA!? That'll destroy your kingdom, too, won't it?!
Finn
AAH! MY PIG!!!
(Jake's Earlings also perish in the lava as it destroys Jake's domain.)
(chuckles) The pig is dead.
YOU GANKED MY SPIRIT WALKER!!!
(Angered, Jake gets up and has a fit, mumbling frustratedly as he thrashes around.)
Finn
Uh...maybe we should take a break?
(Jake turns back around and returns to the table.)
Finn
Huh?!
(grows large) YOU PLAY! YOU PLAY!!!
Finn
Oh, zang!
(Finn looks back on BMO's earlier statement, "I do not play such games...with Jake.", and he stands up.)
Finn
I gotta use the boy-style room!
(Finn runs upstairs to search for BMO.)
Finn
(whispering) BMO. BMO.
BMO CHOP! If this were a real attack, you'd be dead.
Oh, no! Are you winning the game of Card Wars?
Finn
Yeah.
That's terrible! If Jake loses that game, he gets super depressed. When I beat him, he wouldn't talk to me for a month!
Finn
Wha? I only played so he wouldn't be bummed.
Finn, you must take a dive.
Finn
Yeah, okay. But I'm a Card Wars super-Amadeus.
Magic Man, you caused nothing but turmoil and chaos for us on Mars. We thought banishing you to this world would help you see the light of our utopian supersociety. Now tell us. What have you learned in these past 200 years?
JJake (Magic Man)
...Are you guys talkin' to me?
You know you made life on Mars a nightmare!
[Finn wakes up groaning to see Grob Gob Glob Grod and Jake in Magic Man's body]
Now we must return you to Mars, where vengeance awaits thee.
Finn
That's not—
[Grob Gob Glob Grod blasts off into the sky with Jake. Finn looks at Magic Man in Jake's body]
Finn
Magic Man! [pounds him] Get up!
Finn
[flips himself back up] Hyup-hoop! They took my friend to Mars! Fly me there and help me save him!
Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't. You see? [wiggles fingers] The transfer drained me. I can probably barely float. So, I just gotta wait till they kill your friend. See ya! [floats away laughing before Finn jumps on his back]
Finn
NO!! What do you mean "kill"?!
They're gonna put him on trial for my crimes. Ain't nobody gonna pardon these crimes on my head. Not even the King of Mars! And once he's dead, my magic juice will return to my body. Flowing through me like moonlight through the ghost dance.
Finn
[squeezes Magic Man] SQUEEEEZE!!!
I wish I could help. Except I don't!
Finn
You succubutt!
Looks like your date went pretty good, buddy.
Finn
Uh... I don't know. Was the hug okay? Give me some tips, mang.
Bro, you gotta let things take their natural path. Look. [forms his arm into a staircase with 15 steps] Look, let me explain some junk about dating. Right now you're at Tier 1, which is hugging. But pretty soon, you'll be at Tier 2, which is smooching. Then down the road you'll make it to Tier 5, where she'll let you discover all fifteen feet of her long, beautiful stomach. And after a while, you'll make it to Tier 8, where you touch her horn for the very first time. Very special.
Finn
What about Tier 15?
[sharply] You stay away from that! [beat] Do not do Tier 15!!!
Finn
Dude, I got no idea what you're talking about.
Finn
[high-pitched] AAHHH!!!
Finn
Oh, uh— hi, Princess! I'm, uh, writing something for Jake.
Oh, well, speaking of Jake, did he explain everything to you?
Finn
Yeah.
Finn
[turns away] Yeah, I understand.
Finn, sometimes you want someone and you [puts hand on Finn's left knee] want to kiss them, and be with them. But you can't, because responsibility demands sacrifice.
Finn
[incredulous] What are you trying to say?!
I'm trying to say that you're a hero, Finn. You're my hero. So, I'm glad you understand why you can't be with Flame Princess. [Finn stands up, enraged]
Finn
Bubblegum, I can't do this anymore!!
Finn
Now you like me?!
Finn, what are you talking about?
Finn
What am I talking about?! [grunts] PB, I was... geh...eh... I was in love with you! Okay?! And you didn't love me back! Now I'm ready to move on, and it's like... [grunts] you're gonna build me up all over again! Well, I'm done! I'm done.
Finn? Jake, where's Finn? Is he with Flame Princess?
(Jake slams his pan on the stove)
Back off, Bubblegum! That's his man's biz!
(shows Jake the poem) Is he with her OR NOT?!
You heartless monster! Do you have any idea how much he's CRIED over you?! Finn deserves to be happy, even if his bloopin' FACE gets burned off!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!!!
(Jake throws an empty box at Bubblegum)
What?! This isn't about some petty love triangle! Flame Princess is PHYSICALLY UNSTABLE!! Her elemental matrix can't handle extreme romance! Grob, if Finn tries to kiss her, she'll burn so hot, she'll melt RIGHT through the planet's crust, down to the molten core! Then, she'll be thrown back and forth by gravity until she burns out the world from the inside!! Why do you think I had her father keep her locked up!?
(Jake gasps in shock)
Will you take me to them?!?
Adventure Time · 447 quotes
