FinnWait. Just let him walk a few more steps.
Finn
Because that idiot's about to walk right into the sun and burn up, and we'll be done with him.
No man, he's walking into his house!
[cut to Banana Man walking to his house against the sun in the distance]
Finn
Oh, what!? He built his house on the sun!? This guy's insane!
Finn, did you eat your breakfast?
Finn
No. Why?
Because you forgot how the sun works. The sun is actually far away. It's not sitting right on the horizon.
Finn
[beat] Oh. Right on. Let's chase after him!
You gotta eat your breakfast, man, you need that protein. Helps your brain!
Finn
Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Mom. Let's go!
"Hello, dear diary. Pretty good day so far. Got up bright and early, had a healthy and slimming breakfast, did fourteen minutes of cardio, and then I finally got around to..." [continues]
Dude... what are we watchin'?
Finn
I think it's the Ice King's diary.
"I mean, I'm not gonna win carpenter of the year or anything, but it's a place to hang up the old toothbrush." [a Gunther jumps on bed]
"Wenk." [walks to the camera]
"Gunther. Hey, Gunther. Get-get away from the camera, sweetie. Papa's recording his innermost thoughts. 'Member, I explained this to you? [Gunther rubs his belly] Hey, Gunther? [Gunther jumps up and down] GUNTHER!!"
"Well, anyway, as you can see, I'm not wearing my—"
"Sweetie, I raised my voice because you were giving me the silent treatment. You understand?"
Finn
N-No, man. We might miss something.
[sighs] "There must be more to life than this."
"I know, you don't like when I'm contemplative. C-Contemplative? No. Con-tem-plat— C— Let's put on a play!"
What?! [cut footage to Ice King in PB makeup and Gunther with crown and beard]
"Oh, Ice King, you're so cool! You take such good care of yourself! I wanna be with you! [Gunter then pulls off beard] No, Gunther, beard stays on."
"Gunther, I need you to wear the beard!"
Finn
There's gotta be some evil secrets in here. I wanna keep watching.
Okay.. Well, why don't I make us some snacks? [sluggish] So I don't have to watch this...
Can we sit on the floor? I feel so far away from you guys.
[thru Beemo video, crying] "Oh, diary, thank you for listening to me." [continues crying]
Finn
Fast-forward, Beemo.
[sped up] "Sorry, I've been meaning to tell you something insanely private. But darest I? I...love...to... [grunts] fill my bathtub full of milk and sit in it like I'm a magic angel! There, I said it. The white of the milk is so dense, and when I poke my little toes out from under the milk, they startle me and I giggle. I giggle, diary! They're my own toes, yet I giggle, and then I fall asleep. And the milk curdles and I get all stinky and sticky. Disgusting, diary, l am disgusting! I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting and I smell like curdled milk! [crying, walks to camera] Anyway, back to the Turtle Princess."
Finn
Play, Beemo.
"So there we are. Turtle Princess is frozen and in my little ice wheelbarrow, and there was... magic in the air. We were both feeling it. [pauses] But before I can leave the library, Finn and Jake show up! You know how Jake is—stretch this, stretch that, bah! He knocks off my crown and then Finn bonks me on the nose! Still hurts too. The worst part is, Turtle Princess took away my library card! [sigh] Y'know, dear diary... I'm starting to worry that all these entries sound exactly the same, and that my life is just me running in place on some... giant hamster wheel."
[Beemo inserts the last VHS tape inside itself. Loading to what seems to be... a person in an art gallery]
PPerson
"Hello. My name is Simon Petrikov. I am recording this tape so that people will know my story."
Oh no! Turn it off, Beemo, turn it off!!
"I was studying to be an antiquarian of ancient artifacts. Now I never believed in the supernatural stuff myself, just had a fascination with superstitions. But everything changed when I came into contact with this item."
[Simon slowly opens a safe and brings out a golden, three red gem-encrusted crown. Finn and Jake are surprised]
FJFinn & Jake
The Ice King! [both seated, with Ice King behind]
"After purchasing this crown from an old dock worker in northern Scandinavia, I brought it home and excitedly showed my fiancée Betty, and jokingly put it on my head just for a laugh or something. And that's when it started. The visions... I fought with them... Shouted at them until I realized it wasn't real, it was the crown!! I quickly took it off... and saw my fiancée in front of me — looking at me with such contempt. What had I said? What had I done when I wore this crown? All I know is I never saw Betty again."
[...]
"Since then, I see the visions always whether or not I wear the crown. They tell me the secrets... the secrets of the ice and snow... that the power of the crown will save me with its frost. I don't yet know what this means. As you can see, my skin is beginning to turn blue. My body temperature has been lowering at a supernatural rate, to what is now about 30 degrees Celsius. I don't know when it will end. I'm really scared."
[...]
"I know my mind is changing... but I'm already too far gone to know what to do. I want people to know that... if I do things... If I do things that hurt anyone, please.. please forgive me...."
[...]
"Just watch over me until I can find a way out of this labyrinth in my brain and regain my sanity!! And then maybe Betty, my princess... maybe you will love me again. [sobs] Please love me again, Betty!!"
[Finn crawls slowly down the bedroom ladder, turns back to Jake]
Finn
Is she awake?
Finn
I'm wondering if she's awake.
Well, if she's awake, she can definitely hear you talking!
Finn
I'm whispering!
Well, now we're both quietly screaming!!
[offscreen] I can hear both of you.
Finn
Disguise yourself, fool!
[they run up before Marceline turns the light on; see Jake shapeshifted into Finn and Finn with a lampshade over his head]
What are you bozos doing in my lair?
Dude, I think she sees us. [Finn takes off lampshade]
Finn
What the— Dude! You shape-changed to look like me?! [throws lampshade at Jake]
Hey! [hissing] Exssssplain yourselves.
Finn
[exhales deeply] We were playing hide-and-seek in your closet and you came home, so we hid in there all day. We saw... everything. And, oh Glob! [Jake jumps up and they hold each other] I mean, whatever you do to us, I just wanna say we're sorry!
I hide in your house all the time.
Finn
Hey, this table is wobbly. We gotta take it to the Lost Tinker Goblin of Fog Mountain to fix it.
Dude, I would love to go on some crazy, made-up adventure with you, but I really gotta read this. So from here on out, I'm just gonna ignore you.
Finn
Uh, Jake, can't we get rid of these clown nurses? They make me feel ridiculous.
Finn
Ugh!
Well, now you know we can't jump off of birds. [the big green clown nurse waves a milk-dipped cookie and drop into Jake's mouth] I paid them up front. They don't leave until the job's done. Besides... [honks her nose horn] they're funny. [HHHOOO-PWWOOO!!!] Heheheh! Look! She just farted!
CNClown Nurse
Time for our love therapy. [walks to Finn's bandaged toe]
Finn
Wait... what're they doing? [she smooches his toe] Whoa!! Stop!!
CNClown Nurse
Oh, my! Did that hurt, dear?!
Finn
No! I just don't want you kissing my toe!
CNClown Nurse
Now, now, honey. You gotta understand that this is the only way to foo-foo your boo-boo.
Finn
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!!
I don't know, but I feeling better already. Aah! That tickles!
GCGreen Clown Nurse
You want me to stop?
No, keep going. [she resumes smooching Jake's foot]
Finn
You're gross, man. [reads his Enchiridion] Look! "Deep in the forest of trees, there's a Cyclops whose magical tears can heal any wound." See?! SEE?!! [the clown nurse takes his Enchiridion away from him]
CNClown Nurse
Maybe you should leave the medical decisions to the medical professionals, and my professional prescription is... you toe need cu-razy smooches! It's the only way! [laughing manically]
CCyclops
[emerges off the ground, confronts Finn] Hey! I know you're here for my magical tears, but you won't have any because I never cry.
Finn
I don't want 'em anymore.
CCyclops
What? Stop lying! You're here for my tears, aren't you?
Finn
No! I hurt a small, hairy man's wife. I just wanna go home.
CCyclops
You're just trying to make me feel sad so you can steal my tears when I cry, but I've got a heart of stone, buddy. I'm evil!
Finn
Dude! What's wrong with you?! I said I don't want your tears!
Finn
I'M NOT LYING!!!
CCyclops
[beat] You stink at lying.
Finn
Ugh! Fine. Whatever, man. Have it your way.
CCyclops
Okay... I WILL HAVE IT MY WAY!!!
Finn
Huh?! [gets pounded into the ground by the Cyclops] Ugghh...
CCyclops
Beg for mercy, or I'll kill you!
[Finn glances up at the Cyclops' eye; he notices water forming up in the big, round eye. He then mutters something out of earshot]
CCyclops
[kneels down] Wh-what? [Finn mutters some more] What?! I can't hear you!
Finn
I said... [punches the eye] MY WAY!!
[for a beat, Flame Princess awakes from the liquid pyrotechnics left by PB and confronts Finn, in a fit of rage]
You...! What's wrong with me, huh!? You don't like me!?
Finn
I like you!
[beat. She becomes blushed for a while soon before enraged]
[she restores herself and slaps Finn on his left cheek]
Don't ever mess with me again!
[she storms out the window through Finn. He stares for a while, then turns to Jake]
Finn
Who was that?
The princess of the Fire Kingdom.... [Finn looks out, back]
Finn
Dude... I think I have a crush.
Finn
Dude, I think I have a crush! What do you know about her, Jake?
I was trying to help you get over your Princess Bubblegum sad times by hooking you two up. But she's evil, man!
Finn
[furious] You shut your dirty mouth. [slaps Jake]
Dirty? [checks his tongue] No, man. Really, her dad said she was evil!
Finn, even if we like each other, we're going to hurt each other.
Finn
No! We don't have to! I can take it! I- I mean... can't we try?
You would defy nature for me?
Finn
Uhh, yeah.... whatevs.
(The two hug, but Finn pushes her from him when he is burned by her fiery body.)
Bye, Finn. (she leaves the Goblin Kingdon)
GDGuard Demon
Up and at 'em, people! Eveyone out of your cages. [Finn and Jake are released] My shift is over, and no one's shown up, so...
Finn
Whoa, wait! You're letting us go?
GDGuard Demon
I mean... yeah, but not really. You're in the Nightosphere, so... [shrugs]
Finn
So... what?
[holds up cellphone and charger] Is there an outlet somewhere for this?
GDGuard Demon
Ah ha ha... Hahahahahahaha!!
Finn
Hey, c'mon! Just tell us how we can get back to our world!
GDGuard Demon
You can't leave the Nightosphere. Not unless he lets you.
FJFinn/Jake
Marceline's Dad...
GDGuard Demon
Yeah, that's Hunson Abadeer. He runs this place.
[cut to a plaque under the statue reading "HUNSON ABADEER: OUR GREAT LEADER IS WITH US FOR ALL ETERNITY" with a large caterpillar-like demon running through between the statue's legs]
Hunson Abadeer? [giggles] Alright.
Finn
Well, dude, how do we talk to him?
GDGuard Demon
You can't just talk to the boss. You gotta make an appointment.
Finn
Yeah, but we don't even know why we're here!
[holds up a banana] And what's up with this?!
GDGuard Demon
Ugh. Oh! Oh, oh, sick! You touched that stuff?! [beat, flies off] Later, fools.
Adventure Time · 447 quotes
