You Can't Do That on Television quotes

LISA!!!!!

What?!

Lisa, please do not talk with your mouth open.

Sir, don't you mean "Do not talk with your mouth full"?

No, I mean, "Do not talk with your mouth open."

Well, how else am I supposed to talk?!

Exactly.

[Reading aloud from the show's producers' book of etiquette, on table manners] "It is generally considered impolite to wolf your cookies while reciting your multiplication tables."

"Laverne & Shirley Go To Finishing School" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following show, which is getting to be a bad habit.

[leaving Blip's Arkaid] Oh, uh, Blip, thanks for taking me.

Don't you mean "Thanks for having me"?

No, I mean thanks for taking me for every cent I've got.

Oh, no trouble. Any time you've got a pocket full of loose change, drop in.

Lisa, how many times do I have to tell you, dear? It is impolite to interrupt. You must wait your turn.

But when does my turn come?

Here. [He takes a card from a stand on the table.] Take a number.

3,796?!

Yep.

What's your number?

[holding up his card] 2.

So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...

You know, Barthy runs a pretty clean place here.

Clean? You call this place clean? Why, even the rats wouldn't be caught dead here.

Yeah, and if they did, they'd end up in the burger mix, anyway.

Christine, you know that producers' books about etiquette and manners? Well, what does it say about that green slime they're always dumping on us?

Ah, you almost caught me. You almost got me, but I'll look it up in the book.

G, okay. Garbage, gobbledygook, gag-- green slime. Okay. [reads] "I don't know."

You know, they're getting sneaky about this green slime stuff.

[looking at the book of manners] Here's a really strange habit: drooling. Kevin, do you drool?

Well, yeah, all the time.

You drool?

Well, yeah, every time I see a really pretty girl, I drool.

I've never seen you drool.

No, me, neither.

Well, of course not. I said every time I see a pretty girl.

[holding the book up to Kevin's face] Kevin, look closely at that word. [She slams the book in his nose.]

The manners portrayed in this production of You Can't Do That On Television are those of the producers and are not endorsed by the participants.

How many times do I have to tell you...

Aw, Mom...

Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!

But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!

"Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.

"General Hospital" has been busted to Private Room. In its place, we are forced to present the following sick program.

Kevin, what does an apple a day keep away?

A doctor.

Right. Very good. Now, Lisa, what does a nine in time save?

Stitches.

Right! Now we are getting somewhere. What can we conclude from all this?

I know. If Luke would only get to school every day on time and stop throwing apples at your car, well then, he wouldn't need the doctor or the stitches.

Do you still think you could be a doctor when you grow up, Kevin?

Sure do. Check this out. (He writes something on a paper, than hands it to Alasdair.)

I can't a word of this writing.

Well, I'm halfway there already.

Did you see my picture in the paper yesterday, sir? I'm carrier of the week.

I never read the newspaper, son.

That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.

That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.

Then why do you all still get a newspaper?

Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.