You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"Life On Earth" has been cancelled in order that we may bring you the following bleak look into the future.

The regular broadcast of You Can't Do That On Television will not be seen at this time in order that the sponsors may bring you a new, improved, extra strength, whiter than white, and extra clean program.

Good morning. Do you know what a joy it is to walk in here and see those beaming faces? In the staff lounge, the teachers and I were just saying how wonderful it is to teach you. I mean, you're so well-behaved and always do your homework and never give us any trouble.

Is that all true, sir? Do you really say all those nice things about us when you have meetings with those other teachers?

You out of your tree, Kubusheskie? This is an Opposite Skit! Get your algebra books out immediately, pages 17 to 849.

You know, Moose, some for generations, newspaper men have been fighting for freedom of the press, it's one of their inalienable rights. You know, some newspaper men have gone to prison fighting for that very purpose, but I still have one question.

What's that, Lisa?

Well, if journalists want free press, how come I still have to pay 35 cents for a newspaper?

The following program contains certain scenes which may not be suitable for mature audiences. Juvenile discretion is advised.

What's that game you're playing? I've never seen it before.

Well, it's brand new. It's a game desgined about the great outdoors and animals and trees and stuff like that.

Yeah, it looks okay. What's it called?

"Backpack-Man", of course.

Of course.

[ripping a piece of paper into small pieces and dropping them in the forest] Boy, am I ever smart. You see, I've been leaving a trail of all these little pieces of paper behind me so I can find my way back to camp and not get lost!

Boy, Alasdair, are you ever a slob. You're ruining the beauty of this natural habitat. I've been picking up these pieces of paper for miles! By the way, where are we?

[grabs Vanessa by the neck and starts to strangle her] VANESSA!!!!!!

Now class, as we are going on a field trip, I think it is most important [points to the word "BASEX" written on the blackboard] that we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe? ... Lisa?

Earth.

Right, that's one. Kevin?

Air.

Yeah, that's right, that's two. Christine?

Uh... fire!

Right! And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

Yeah, but I'm not going to.

Well Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.

Well, either way I get something dumped on me. [gets a look of resignation on her face] Okay, water.

[laughing] Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

"The Waltons Move To Mount St. Helens" will not be seen at this time due to a natural catastrophe. In its place, we present the following unnatural catastrophe.

So, Lisa, tell me. Did you enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon?

I sure did, and Moose, the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you.

Really? That's nice. What made you think of me?

Well, you know, you and the Grand Canyon are so much alike: Shallow and dirty, and most of all, very, very wide at the bottom.

It was funny!

You know, Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before?

Yeah.

Well, you remind me of the Colorado River, that's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon.

Oh, you mean I'm lyrical and romantic?

No, you're wet, twisted, loud, and you run on forever!

I can't stand to eat any more of this junk Barth tries to pass off as food. His cooking's disgusting!

Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?

You've got to be kidding.

Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.

D'oh, I heard that!

You know, I took home economics once.

(sarcastically) YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT!

Thanks a lot, guys.

Lisa, why are you drinking all that water?

Well, remember last year at summer camp?

Do I! The hard beds and those cruel counselors and all the black flies and all the mosquito bites that we got.

Right. So Mom said I can't go if can't stop wetting the bed. So...

Ready... aim... (he pulls out a pie from behind his back) eat!

Christine's homemade pie?! Come on, I don't wanna die a slow, agonizing, painful death! Come on, shoot me! Come on, have mercy!

Alright. Amigos, we'll show him some mercy. (chuckles) Ready, aim... (he pulls out another pie) Lisa's pie!

You're cruel! You're-- the Geneva Convention should have something to say about cruelty like this! Shoot me, please! Come on, amigos! Fire! Fire!

I love alphabet soup.

Hey, look, the letters in your soup are coming together.

You're right!

What does it spell?

I...

"I do"? "I don't"?

"I don't know." [Lisa gets slimed]

Oh, Lisa, you don't know how much time it took me to orchestrate those noodles so that they would-- (laughs) It was worth it. Drink some Kool-Aid. You'll feel much better.