You Can't Do That on Television quotes

Well, we have a few seconds before the end of class. Could anyone tell me who "Paffloff" was?

He was a scientist who worked with dogs.

Very good. And, you know, by making his dogs respond to the sound of a bell, Pavlov was able to prove that any animal, no matter how intelligent, could be conditioned.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.

I rest my case.

Eugene, what do you wanna be when you grow up?

I wanna be a vet and take care of sick dogs.

Well, here's your chance to practice. Here comes Christine!

Vanessa, don't feed the cat under the table while we're eating, dear.

Feed it on the table instead!

Aw, but Mom...

No buts, Vanessa. Now, feed the cat.

Here, Christine, want a cookie?

Thank you, Lisa. I guess this means you don't think I'm too fat-- don't answer that. [She takes a bite.] These are really good.

I thought you'd like them. They were dog biscuits left over from the previous sketch.

Christine, I think you're taking a modeling class?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, have they taught you how to walk?

Oh, yeah, they did. First lesson.

Could I see?

Okay. [She does a quick walk.] But why did you want me to see me walk?

Well, I thought since we were on the subject of walking dogs, you could show us how they do it.

(laughs wildly) Watch it, Ruddy.

Did you hear what Brodie's doggy did all over his mom's antique couch?

No, what did Brodie's doggy do?

That's what he did. All over the couch.

Sorry, kid. No dogs are allowed in here.

But he's well behaved. He won't bite or anything.

I'm sorry, kid, but rules are rules. No dogs allowed.

He won't leave a mess or anything.

I'm gonna tell you just one more time, no dogs allowed. Now get your dog out of here. Besides, he beat me nine times out of ten at Pac-Man last week.

Dad? Where did the house go?

Oh, well, Lisa, I told you it would happen and it finally did.

What finally happened?

Your dog. She ate us out of house and home.

Moose, you promised you would go on a diet!

Well, that's our show and---

Oh, thank goodness!

"Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" will not be seen at this time because the neighborhood has been declared unsafe. In its place, we present a program made without parental guidance.

Ready, aim-- Oh, come on! Stop your shivering and get shot like a man.

I'm cold.

Oh, alright. I'll give you my coat you wimp! (places his coat on Brodie) Come on, put your hand in there. Get the other hand in there. Come on. Alright. Ready, aim... (Brodie shivers) What's the matter?

I'm still cold.

Alright, I tell you what, you go over there and get warm by the fire. (El Capitan is shot) That is one sneaky kid! (collapses)

There you are, Lisa, make an appointment with my nurse.

What is this?

Your fee.

I can't get it open.

I know. I put it in the same bottle you put my pills in. Bye! [leaves]

[still trying to get bottle open] Why you...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't damage the machine!

But Blip, I just put a quarter in and it doesn't work!

Put in another quarter.

[kicking machine] It STILL doesn't work!

Don't kick the machine! I know it doesn't work. There's a new city bylaw that says you kids can't play video games anymore.

But you took my fifty cents.

The bylaw doesn't say anything about taking kids' money!

So you took my money and you did nothing in return?

What's new about that? The government does it all the time. Ask your dad. [shuffles off, laughing]

Well, that just about wraps it up for another show and---

Oh, thank goodness!

You Can't Do That On Television is protected by copyright. Who'd wanna copy it anyway?