You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"After Holding It In For His Five Year Mission, Captain Kirk Boldly Goes Where No Man Has Gone Before" can not be shown at this time. Instead, we bring you the following bad choice of viewing.

Aren't you supposed to take a little more trouble with your costumes?

No way!

Lady, dressing up is for little kids. Now listen, we've got a lot of houses to cover, we gotta fill these things up, so why don't you just give us the candy.

Oh, well, at least give me a choice of trick or treat.

That's funny. Don't treat us like kids. Give me the candy and give him the candy.

No! Say "Trick or Treat"!

Fine! TRICK OR TREAT!

Now give us the candy.

No! You gave me the choice, and I choose TRICK! HA HA HA HAAA!!! Alakazoom, alakaZAM!!!

Chris? [picking up the frog, wearing a tiny leather jacket] Chris??? [flees in terror]

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

"Hulk Hogan Tidies His Room" will not be seen at this time so we can bring you the following mess of a show.

"Jane Fonda Overworks Herself" will not be seen at this time so we can bring you a completely unfit program.

"The Love Boat Becomes A Garbage Scow" will not be seen at this time so that we can bring you the following polluted program.

Y'know, Chris, I know that when I was going to high school, none of the girls was as pretty as Sariya here.

Oh, but Lance, you and I were in high school together, dear.

Yeah, that's right.

You know, Sariya, back in those days, all the girls talked about Chris's father. They couldn't believe any boy had so many zits or such bad breath. The only reason I went out with him is because I felt sorry for him... well, I lost a bet.

Mrs. Prevert, I can't believe you would say such a thing.

Really, dear?

That's the exact same reason why I agreed to go out with Chris! (She and Mom both stick their tongues out triumphantly at a chagrined Chris and Mr. Prevert.)

"George Bush Shoots The Wrong Quail" will not be seen at this time so that we can bring you the following even bigger mistake.

(on the phone) I'm sorry, Jennifer can't come to the telephone right now; she's tied up.

(to Jennifer) And you're going to stay tied up, young lady, until you learn to stop picking your nose!

Mom, as well as not being able to pick my nose, I won't be able to do my homework or my chores, either.

Oh. Well, then I guess I'd... Oh no you don't, young lady! I'm not falling for that! You never do any homework, and you certainly don't ever do any chores. So ha ha, one for me.

For the next five hours, we here at Educational Television are proud to present a festival featuring the Iranian String Quartet.

(to a horrified Jennifer) You won't be able to change the channel, either.

We've decided that during each link on this show, somebody is going to say those fateful words.

What magic words, Ross?

I d-... you know what words, Carlos. Now say them.

Me? Why should I say them? No way!

I am ordering you to!

Ross, I don't know who you think you are, but...

...but there is no way, I'm going to get green slimed.

This'll teach us never to slime poor Ross again!

We will never be so horrible to Ross again!

We will never slime Mr. Ewich again!

Wait, wait, you guys what are we doing?

We must be crazy! (They all groan in pain)

I never knew I could paddle that hard. Boy, my kids are gonna hate me.

Before I sit down again, I need to cool my rear end in a bucket of water. [She gets drenched] Wrong end! [She bends over]

"Michael Jackson Becomes Old And Wrinkled" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following show full of old jokes.

Vanessa, how does it feel to be back on the show this time around?

Well, at first I thought it was going to be awful, but actually it's not that bad.

Oh yeah? It's all right now, but wait until we really get into this show. We found out there's a lot of stuff that you owe us.

Oh really? Like what?

What's this?!

Well Vanessa, it just so happens that that Adoption show that I mentioned, you said the magic words and the slime did not come down. So, you owe us one.

But Ross, that's not fair! I didn't even say "I don't know."

We appreciate your generosity Vanessa, but you only owed us one not two slimes.

Ross, I wasn't being generous.

Oh, of course not. You're stupid like the old days.

Steph, can you please turn off that light? I can't get to sleep.

Well sorry if it bothers you Vanessa, but I need help to get to sleep.

Steph, don't you think you're just a little old to be depending on a night light?

It's not a night light Vanessa, it's a TV set. I'm watching old episodes of You Can't Do That On Television with you on them. It puts me in a sleeping mood.

Hey, that's a pretty good idea. Oh no! Doug's on them! Now I'm going to have nightmares.

Hi, Van. Did you call my name?

AAAAH! DOUG!! (throws her stuffed bear at him)

Alasdair, Christine and Kevin. Sounds like a folk song.

"The Fat Boys Eat New York" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following excessively stupid show.