You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"Top Gun Gets Put On Latrine Cleaning Duty" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following foul-smelling show.

(Addressing Adam as Moses): Moses, find thee a hammer and chisel and set down on tablets of stone.

I will, Lord. Then what?

Bring them to the children of Israel. They have been misbehaving lately.

But what if they don't follow them, Lord?

Then you have my permission to discipline them. Take away their dessert and turn off the TV set.

But, Lord, TV won't be invented for 2,000 years to come.

Oh, darn. I was looking forward to The Cosby Show tomorrow.

Ross, here's your stupid toothbrush. I cleaned every toilet in the entire building. What now?

Vanessa, I am tough, but I am a fair man. Now, I want you to do something to benefit yourself. Brush your teeth with it. Up and down, not sideways.

[As Moses, carving the commandments] Ah, Lord?

Yes, Moses?

I'm a little hungry. Could I have something to eat?

Have this manna, Moses. [A couple of burgers fall down.] Bon appetit.

Thank you, Lord. [He takes a bite out of one] This manna's gross, Lord! Where'd you get it?

By a manna merchant named Bartholomew.

Perhaps you can include it as one of the Seven Plagues of the Pharaoh, Lord.

Duuuuhhhh, I heard thee!

"The Greatest Detective" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we present the following clueless program.

"Reading Rambo" will not be seen at this time because Rambo can't read. Instead, we bring you the following illiterate show.

Mom! What are you doing?

Oh, hello Adam. I was just washing some dirty books I found in your father's closet.

Mom, you're ruining them!

(faking concern) Oh, am I, dear?

You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? I'm going to go tell Dad.

That's a good idea, dear. While you're at it, why don't you tell him that I just finished washing the dirty books I found in your closet. Your father would probably be very pleased to know that you have similar tastes in literature.

...Okay, maybe I won't then.

Wise move.

Mother, you CAN'T do this to me!

Oh yes I can, Matthew. I read all about it in the National Scab. It said that through technological advances, mothers can now actually pick the sex of their children! And Matthew, I always wanted you to be a girl.

But Mother, that is for mothers who are GOING to have children! Did you read all of the article?

Well, no, Matthew. The checkout line at the supermarket was moving so fast, I would have had to pay for the magazine if I wanted to read the whole thing.

I dreamed I was adopted!

Oh, no, Amyas, you were just having a nightmare, dear.

No, it wasn't a nightmare. I dreamed I was adopted by a mother who let me stay up late to watch all my favorite TV shows and never fed me liver and brussels sprouts!

You know, Amyas, that's a remarkable coincidence. I, too, had a nightmare.

Really?

Yes, nine years ago - YOU. Good night, dear.

Matthew, where are you going?

I'm just gonna go play in the traffic, Mom.

You sure you're not gonna go play in that park?

No, of course not. I'm gonna go play in the middle of rush hour traffic.

Oh, Matthew, that's a good boy. Have a nice accident, dear.

That's my boy.

So seeing as Doug was so stupid as to get himself slimed and ruin that beautiful uniform, he is not able to go with the rest of us to the Big Apple, New York City.

Alright! Suckers!

Ross, you insist on making us wear these ridiculous outfits and on going to boring museums, then we just won't go.

You don't have much choice, do you?

Yes, we do, Ross. Yes we do. Man is born free, but is everywhere in reins and silly uniforms. We hold these truths to be self-evident that no taxation without representation and that America will always be--

Adam, stop being revolting.

Ross, what Adam is trying to say is that you make us go to New York in these silly stupid uniforms, we will all say...

I don't...

NO!

Wasn't the way we planned it, but I guess it worked okay.

"Santa Claus Forgets Christmas" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following forgettable show.

(brings out birthday cake) Okay Dougie, make a wish and blow them out!

Oh, Dougie, you missed one candle - that means you don't get your wish. However, I believe that as your mother, if I can blow out that candle, I get a wish of my very own!!! (she blows out the candle) I wish... I wish...

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!?

I got my wish! Oh Dougie, I always wished you were a little girl!

(to Doug) Hey baby, wanna go out for a night on the town?

Matthew, I have baked a cake in honour of the most important day in a young man's life!

Hey, happy birthday, Matt! I didn't know it was your birthday!

Oh, no, no, today isn't Matthew's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day a mother most looks forward to!...

Mother, not in front of my friends!...

Today, is the anniversary, of the day Matthew was potty-trained!

Four years ago today! And to celebrate, I baked a cake in the shape of a potty, with little bits of... well, made out of chocolate.

D'oh, why use chocolate? What's wrong with the real, natural ingredients?

(angry) Now you see what you've done? Now they have ruined the cake!

"Rambo's Armpits" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you a show that smells even worse.