You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"Lifestyles Of The Poor And Unknown" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following even bigger loser of a show.

[in the locker room] Boys, boys, listen - I've got some bad news for ya. I was at the eye doctor's today, and he tells me I gotta quit coachin'. Yeah, my eyesight is so bad I can hardly see.

Coach, that's really too bad.

Yeah, I guess that means you're out of a job, right?

Are you kidding? I got a new job already. I'm a referee. [takes off his coaching jacket to reveal a referee's shirt on underneath] I'll see ya out on the field... [bumps into the door] ...if I can find the field. [to the door] Come on, buddy, outta the way!

I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.

(gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!

No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. (He peels a banana.)

Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.

By the way, mom, what is strip poker?

Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.

Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?

"The Wheel Of Fortune Runs Over People And Flattens Them" will not be seen at this time so that you may have the bad luck of watching the following program.

"The A-Team Delivers Newspapers" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following botched job.

Oh, Adam, how did the part-time job at the parking garage go today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, what happened, Adam?

Well, you see, I was driving this customer's Porsche into the garage to see how fast it would go. Only problem was, it ended up parked on top of another car. You think they'd realized I just showed them how to fit twice as many cars into the garage! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fired me.

Adam, how did the job at the fast food place go today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, no, what happened, dear?

Well, you see, they kept yelling at me to serve the food faster, and I did. I served the food faster than anybody else did. Only trouble was it didn't get cooked first.

Oh, dear.

You think they'd realize the money they could save by serving the hamburgers raw. But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Ready... aim... [Alasdair sticks a card on El Capitan's back] Wait, wait. [To Alasdair] What'd you do? You put a sign on my back. Childish trick, you stuck a sign that probably says "Kick Me"?

No.

Alright, we'll find out. Amigos, [walks in front of Alasdair] the sign on my back, what does it say?

"Fire"! [El Capitan gets shot.]

Shot in the back by his own firing squad.

Adam! How was the job at the car wash today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!

Oh, no, what happened, dear?

You see, there was this Mercedes with an electric sunroof. I accidentally pushed the button to open the sunroof just as it was going into the car wash. You think they'd realized I'd just shown them a way to clean the inside of the car as the same time of the outside. But, no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Well, this fan wants to know what green slime is made of.

Van, why don't you tell them?

Because I don't kn-- Because, Alasdair, they won't tell us.

Well, this fan wants to know he we got on the show.

Well, in my case, I did something really bad at school and being on this show was the worst punishment the teacher could think of. How about you?

Well, Vanessa, actually I thought about it many times, but I don't know how I got on the show.

I know, Alasdair. They needed someone to keep saying those words to keep getting green slime dumped all over them.

Adam, how was the house painting job today, dear?

It's not fair! You'd think they'd have given me a bonus!

Oh, dear, what happened, Adam?

Well, you see, I got this spray gun and I was able to spray paint faster than anybody else and more than anybody else. Well, they got upset because I accidentally spray painted the cat, the window panes, the flowers, the lady of the house, and part of the new Mercedes.

Oh, dear.

You think they'd have given me a bonus for being fast! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Well, how did the dog-walking job go today, Adam?

[takes the bone out of his mouth] It's not fair! You'd think they'd have given me a bonus!

Oh, no, what happened, dear?

Well, you see, they ask me to walk their prize-winning pedigree dogs just before the dog show. I thought they looked, a little bit bored, so I took them on a rabbit hunt, you know, through the woods, across some ditches. So what if they got a little bit messy? You think their owners would be pleased that their precious little dogs had more fun that afternoon than they ever did in their entire lives! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they threatened to sue me!

[screaming] ADAM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I'm cleaning the windows...

NO, YOU'RE NOT!

But we agreed for ten dollars I'd clean the windows.

ADAM, WHEN YOU WASH THE WINDOWS, YOU SHUT THEM FIRST!

You're the one inside, you do that!

YOU'RE FIRED! [slams the window]

First she yells at me, then she fires me, my own mother! [Points the sprayer at the camera. The screen turns to static]

[voiceover] ALL RIGHT! ADAM, THAT'S IT! YOU ARE FIRED!

"Algebra Is Exciting!" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following program which is more certain to put you to sleep.

"Falcon Crest Eaten By Termites" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we present a show guaranteed to wreck any home.