You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Joins The A-Team" will not be shown at this time. In its place, we present another Christmas turkey.

Yeah, you know, I know what you mean. I was in this one store and there was a sign: "10 Santas, No Waiting."

I know what you mean, Christine. I was in this store and there was an express Santa for kids that wanted less than five presents.

Oh yeah? Was he busy?

No. Who wants less than five presents?

It's driving Dougie crazy. He can't find his Christmas presents anywhere.

Where did you hide them?

Oh, I found a place he hasn't looked in years. Under his bed.

Okay, it has 11 letters, it begins with S, and when--

Wait a minute, Alasdair. What are you doing?

I'm giving my report, sir.

Your assignment was to give me a review of A Christmas Carol.

Well, that's right, and "Silent Night"'s my favorite Christmas carol.

Not a Christmas carol, A Christmas Carol! By Charles Dickens!

I've never heard of him, sir, but maybe if you sung a couple of lines, it might come back to me.

Every Christmas Eve, it's the same thing, I can't put these things together!

I know, dear.

I'm a senator, I'm not an engineer.

Well, let me see that, Lance. [Lance hands over the instruction sheet.] Well, maybe you're having trouble, dear, because you're using the Japanese instructions.

Let me see that! [He grabs the sheet back.] I know.

Of course you did.

I just happen to like a challenge, okay?

You bet.

"To Tell The Truth" with guest host Richard Nixon will not be shown at this time. In its place, we present another show that defies credibility.

Alasdair, if you had to describe today's politicians in one word, what would it be?

How about "unethical"?

Close, but not quite.

How about "unscrupulous"?

Even worse.

Even worse... how about "slimy"?

I said "slimy", not "slime me", you idiot!

"The Love Boat Goes On A Cruise Missile Cruise" will not be shown at this time. In its place, we present the following bomb.

Alasdair, are you watching another one of those violent war movies again?

But, mom, I--

How many times have I told you I do not want to see violence on television? (She slaps him.) Besides, (slap) there's too much (slap) violence (slap) on television! (slap)

I know, mom, you're being violent...

..and we're on television!

Oh. Hello.

You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.

Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?

Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wizard" will not be seen at this time in order that we can try the following in experimental scientific television.

I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.

Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.

But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)

What was that?

The producer. They just told him.

I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?

The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.

Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?

That half.

Lisa, you weren't in school yesterday. Why? Were you sick?

No, no, yesterday was a Jewish holiday.

Yeah, but you're not Jewish.

I know that, but the man that my mom just married is, so we get all the Catholic holidays and all the Jewish holidays.

Hey, that's a great idea! As soon as I get home, I'm going to tell my mom to get divorced and marry someone of a different religion! That way I can have two sets of holidays!

Yeah, and just think, if your parents both marry someone of a different religion, just think of all the holidays you'd get! No more school!

YEAH! [the girls both giggle hysterically]

Marjorie, I thought you said that your parents were getting a separation.

They are, but since neither of them could afford to move out, they separated the house.

Marjorie dear, I'm afraid your little friend is going to have to go home now.

Aw Mom, she just got here!

Marjorie dear, you know the rules - no company after eight o'clock.

All right. Dad?

Yeah? What is it, Marjorie?

Can we come over to play?

Why sure, kid! You know what I always say, my house is your house.

Bye Mom!

Bye dear.

Dad, this is my friend Lisa.

Marjorie, I can't see the TV.

Oh yeah, I know that. Mom got custody.

[holding up his beer can] But I got custody of the fridge. Heh heh.

(at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?

(sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!

Oh Barth... you didn't!

What are you talking about?

You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!

Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!

I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.

Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)