You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"Mr. Rogers Gets Evicted" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you a more moving experience.

Okay, all of you who want to hear nothing but silence coming from Lisa Ruddy...

Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...

...Please touch the green square now!

Oh please, oh please, oh...

Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!

[Lisa is still unable to talk and can only communicate through writing notes; reading Lisa's note] "My link is the introduction to the commercials, and if we don't have any commercials, we don't get paid." ... Oh, I get it! It's time to test the audience voting device again! Okay now, everybody who wants to see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, go ahead and touch the green square on the bottom of your screen. Touch now!

[Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.

Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.

Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?

And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...

...green square on your screen!

Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!

And now it's time for the commercials!

These new wristwatch televisions are great. I don't miss the soaps anymore.

And I don't miss the football games anymore.

And I don't miss... [looks ahead] ...THE TREES ANYMORE!! [they crash into a tree.]

"The Electric Company Blows A Fuse" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following low energy show.

What's your ambition in life?

To grow up big and strong.

Oh, you mean like me?

No!

Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!

Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.

Oh, Lisa?

Yes, Moosie?

Was it always your ambition to become an actress?

Why, yes it was.

What went wrong?

Dallas and Dynasty, those two sagas of rampant ambition, will not be seen at this time. In their place, we present something less ambitious but more rampant.

Oh! Video games, video games! That's all you kids do nowadays. Sitting in front of that stupid screen!

It's not true Dad. Sometimes we go to the arcade.

You know what your trouble is?

Our trouble is you can't break 100,000.

Oh no. Your trouble is you've got no ambition.

You have no idea what it's like being a kid today!

Yeah, I mean the pressures are enormous.

In your day, it was easy. You had a choice of being a doctor, lawyer.

Yeah, now there's space exploration, computer science, hi-tech.

Recreology, oceanography.

Yeah well, you know I never really did think of it in exactly that way. I guess it is scary.

Oh it sure is.

Well I mean there's so many choices, there's so many new fields opening up.

Yeah.

By the way, are you two guys got any idea in what direction in what you're leaning profession wise?

I think I'd like to be a doctor.

I think I've decided to be a lawyer.

"The Mickey Mouse Club" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we present an even goofier show.

"The A-Team Wreck Disneyland" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you this holiday special.

The scheduled football game between MIT and UCLA will not be seen at this time because "mitucla" is a dirty word in Urundi Burundi. In its place, we present the following from the school of hard knocks.

[putting a curse on Ross] Tongue of dog, wing of bat. Toe of frog, tail of rat. Sure as kids like a video arcade, it's gonna rain on your parade.

Did you go out trick-or-treating?

Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!

Why, what were you wearing?

Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...

Oh, well that explains it, then.

Explains what?

Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.

Oh, Christine?

Yes, Lisa?

Did you go out trick-or-treating?

Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.

I thought so.

What do you mean?

All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!

"Boy George Without Makeup" will not be shown at this time. In its place, we bring you something more even more frightening.

Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.

It was nothing.

Almost!