You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"The Partridge Family Gets Shot" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we present the following family feud.

You know, Jeff, you really shouldn't let Ross bully you so much.

Yeah, but I have to respect him. You know what they say, blood is thicker than water.

You-- (She gets hit with water) Wait a second! Wait a second, that is not fair! He said "water", not me! (She gets hit with water again)

Christine, I know it seems unfair, but if get this kid wet, his mother will kill me.

Will she? (She tries to flick some of the water on Jeff)

Hey, Christine?

Yeah?

We really shouldn't make fun of Lisa just because she got voted bottom of her class.

Did she really? That surprises me because Lisa's always been smart in school.

Oh, no, no, no. They weren't judging grades, they were judging body shape.

Oh, like "bottom of the class"!

I wouldn't laugh if I were you. You were voted most likely to exceed.

"Exceed"? Lisa, the word is "succeed".

No. Exceed 200 pounds.

Well, how come you never make any fun about Lisa's weight?

Well, you see, Alasdair, Lisa and I have this deal.

Yeah?

Yeah. If I don't make any jokes about her weight, she won't sit on me.

Hey, Adam?

Yes, Christine?

Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?

Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...

No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...

Are you finished?!!

Hey, Lisa?

What?!

Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.

...Yeah, I know.

You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?

But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?

LISA!!!

Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

"The A-Team Makes One Cup Of Coffee Last 5 Hours" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring this program for people with time on their hands and nothing better to do.

[introducing the show, dressed in a heavy overcoat and hat] I would just like to show you how the weather affects our lives - for instance, the clothes we wear. In the winter, we have to bundle up because we're suffering through that freezing cold! And then... [takes off overcoat and hat to reveal that she has on a red raincoat] comes the spring... with its soft spring rains. And then... [takes off raincoat to reveal that she is wearing a one-piece bathing suit] THE SCORCHING HEAT OF SUMMER!!!

CUT IT OFF!

[walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!

Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]

Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?

[laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.

All right, one more point and fifty free games!

BLIP!!

Sorry kids, a little power failure. Thunderstorm if you ask me.

A little power failure? My score just went down to zero and I lost fifty free games!

What can I do? It's the weather!

I don't know why Blip just shuts off the power and then blames it on the weather.

But it is the weather. Weather we are about to win any free games or not.

All right kids, You're going to have to come out and help me push.

We are always getting stuck in the snow Snakeeyes. Can't the school board buy some snow tires?

Oh they wanted to buy snow tires, but I told them, "No thank you!".

Why?

Oh you kids are so stupid. I mean snow tires, how long do you think they'd last? Tires made out of snow. First two days of summer, they'd melt.

Where does the school board find him? And why do they let him drive a bus?

(with his weather machine) Christine! I finally figured out how to stop the snow!

Well would you hurry up?! My arms are getting tired!

All right! You turn the dial to heat wave. There! (The blizzard stops.)

Oh it worked! Oh but Alasdair, there's only one problem. Where does all the snow go when it melts?

It turns into water!

Well, at least you didn't get green slimed.

You know, sometimes I don't know which is worse.

Well, now you know.

You know Alasdair, Snakeeyes is an amazing driver. Through snow, sleet, wind or hail, we have never been late for school.

And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...

Lisa, I can't believe how hot it is today.

Christine, it has got to be at least a hundred degrees.

You know, with my frail health, I can die in this weather.

There has got to be a way to cool off.

(thinking) There is! Come here. (whispers to Lisa)

Good idea! okay.

Water! (nothing happens) Water? WATER!!

Oh. Ross, what is going on here?

It is this heat Christine. We have to conserve water. Which is more important, a cheap gag or conserving one of our most natural resources?

I don't know, I guess you're right.

Well apparently, there's no slime shortage. But you've got problems Lisa. There's no water in the showers.

Ross, this is a pool for a little child.

This is a program for a little child.

Ross, we can't go swimming in this pool. There's no...liquid in it.

Oh. Well...then nobody's going to drown.

"Mr. Wizard Shows You How To Make Rain" will not be seen at this time due to severe flooding. In its place, we present the following cloud without a silver lining.

Hi, and welcome to an episode of You Can't Do That On Television that'll really turn your head, and probably your stomach.