Doug quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Young man, I certainly hope that washing your mouth off with this soap has taught you about using that kind of language.

I'm gonna be using that kind of language more from now on.

WHAT?! Didn't this teach you a lesson?

It sure did.

What's that?

I love the taste of soap, it's fabulous.

[in the locker room] Boys, boys, listen - I've got some bad news for ya. I was at the eye doctor's today, and he tells me I gotta quit coachin'. Yeah, my eyesight is so bad I can hardly see.

Coach, that's really too bad.

Yeah, I guess that means you're out of a job, right?

Are you kidding? I got a new job already. I'm a referee. [takes off his coaching jacket to reveal a referee's shirt on underneath] I'll see ya out on the field... [bumps into the door] ...if I can find the field. [to the door] Come on, buddy, outta the way!

I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.

(gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!

No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. (He peels a banana.)

Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.

By the way, mom, what is strip poker?

Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.

Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?

So seeing as Doug was so stupid as to get himself slimed and ruin that beautiful uniform, he is not able to go with the rest of us to the Big Apple, New York City.

Alright! Suckers!

Ross, you insist on making us wear these ridiculous outfits and on going to boring museums, then we just won't go.

You don't have much choice, do you?

Yes, we do, Ross. Yes we do. Man is born free, but is everywhere in reins and silly uniforms. We hold these truths to be self-evident that no taxation without representation and that America will always be--

Adam, stop being revolting.

Ross, what Adam is trying to say is that you make us go to New York in these silly stupid uniforms, we will all say...

I don't...

NO!

Wasn't the way we planned it, but I guess it worked okay.

(brings out birthday cake) Okay Dougie, make a wish and blow them out!

Oh, Dougie, you missed one candle - that means you don't get your wish. However, I believe that as your mother, if I can blow out that candle, I get a wish of my very own!!! (she blows out the candle) I wish... I wish...

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!?

I got my wish! Oh Dougie, I always wished you were a little girl!

(to Doug) Hey baby, wanna go out for a night on the town?

Matthew, I have baked a cake in honour of the most important day in a young man's life!

Hey, happy birthday, Matt! I didn't know it was your birthday!

Oh, no, no, today isn't Matthew's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day a mother most looks forward to!...

Mother, not in front of my friends!...

Today, is the anniversary, of the day Matthew was potty-trained!

Four years ago today! And to celebrate, I baked a cake in the shape of a potty, with little bits of... well, made out of chocolate.

D'oh, why use chocolate? What's wrong with the real, natural ingredients?

(angry) Now you see what you've done? Now they have ruined the cake!

Steph, can you please turn off that light? I can't get to sleep.

Well sorry if it bothers you Vanessa, but I need help to get to sleep.

Steph, don't you think you're just a little old to be depending on a night light?

It's not a night light Vanessa, it's a TV set. I'm watching old episodes of You Can't Do That On Television with you on them. It puts me in a sleeping mood.

Hey, that's a pretty good idea. Oh no! Doug's on them! Now I'm going to have nightmares.

Hi, Van. Did you call my name?

AAAAH! DOUG!! (throws her stuffed bear at him)