Doug Wilson quotes from Weeds

Nancy

Doug, you're cooking in my kitchen. There's a reason for that?

Doug

Andy's on set. I'm helping him out.

Nancy

Oh, that's nice. [picks up an envelope on the counter]

Doug

Oh, that's from the tall one. Leif Garretty, "Blue Lagoon"-ish?

Nancy

Silas?

Doug

Yeah. Said you were out of weed, then he took off with a blonde. Tiny tits, big cross?

Nancy

Tara.

Doug

And your other one. Big vocab, creepy eyes?

Nancy

Shane.

Doug

He's outside with what's-her-name. Celia's dyke.

Nancy

Isabelle.

Doug Wilson

What happened to all the cheese?

Lenny Botwin

Is that her pimp?

Shane Botwin

My mom is not a prostitute!

Lenny Botwin

Well she's definitely a criminal of some kind. Did she rob a bank?

Shane Botwin

No!

Lenny Botwin

A Costco?

Shane Botwin

No!

Lenny Botwin

Is she a coke dealer?

Shane Botwin

Um...no.

Doug Wilson

What happened to all the cheese?

Lenny Botwin

Weed!Your mothers a weed dealer!!

Shane Botwin

Give me back her money.

Doug

Hey, dude. What's going on?

Shane

[Silas is putting is grow-house in his room] Teenage rebellion.

Doug

Fuck, yeah! Stick it to the old people.

Shane

What are you doing here?

Doug

Eating cereal.

Shane

I mean, why are you here in our house, Mr. Wilson? Where's your family?

Doug

My family left me, buddy. My life's a toilet. These corn flakes, they're old. My asshole is on fire. I hate myself. You happy now?

[pointing a gun at Andy] It is time to pay, cabrón.

Andy Botwin

[to Doug] That's the bad coyote belt-stealer guy. The one who tried to rape Reyna and stab me in the neck.

Doug Wilson

I pictured him taller.

[pointing a gun at Andy] I will shoot your knee and shoot your balls. I will shoot your belly...and feed you to the sewer rats.

Doug Wilson

Does that mean that I can go?

Doug Wilson

I'm a sidekick, Andy. I'm a sad and lonely sidekick. I'm Andrew Ridgeley.

Andy Botwin

What? He's the other guy in Wham! The guy who doesn't blow people in public bathrooms. He had a solo album. I never bought it, but...

Doug Wilson

I bought it, Andy. It sucked.

"El Andy"...this is the woman your depressed amigo [Doug] searches for?

Doug Wilson

People don't even talk to sidekicks. It's like I'm not even here.

Andy Botwin

That's the one, Raul.

We will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.

Andy Botwin

[trying to plea the Minute-Man Leader to lower his gun] Do you see this girl here? This is the love of his life.

Andy Botwin

She's the woman that he's gonna marry.

Doug Wilson

Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.

[about the smuggled Mexicans] Wait, give me one...so my day is not a total loss.

Andy Botwin

"Give you one"?! These are people!

Doug Wilson

Just, just give him the guy that hugged me, he's annoying. Hombre, up and go. Let's go. Here, come on. Let's go. Out. [the Mexican runs away as soon as Doug pulls him out of the car]

[to Doug] Get the fuck out of here! [laughs in joy as he heads off with his gun to chase the Mexican]

Doug Wilson

It's bullshit. I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out. I deserve some.

Andy Botwin

It's been one day.

Doug Wilson

And a half.

Andy Botwin

[about Maria (Mermex)] Look, she's probably scared. I mean, she's totally out of her element. Make her feel comfortable.

Doug Wilson

How do I do that?

Andy Botwin

You talk to her.

Doug Wilson

Okay. Alright. Talk to her. About what?

Andy Botwin

About anything. On the way over here, we had great talks. She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.

Doug Wilson

She's an orphan?

Andy Botwin

Yeah.

Doug Wilson

Sweet. Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.

You're a bad man.

Doug Wilson

You're a bad castle builder.