Andy Botwin quotes from Weeds

Nancy

[scrubbing blood out of her car] I'm pretty sure something even more heinous is gonna happen to me, because that just seems to be the way it rolls! I really think I'm finding myself. [pulls off a rubber glove] Look at my hand. Nerves of steel!

Andy

Pretty steady.

Nancy

That's what I'm talking about.

Andy

Well, this is all good. Meanwhile, a reconnaissance drone killed my battle buddy, and I'm going to die. I know too much. I was hoping for a shower, maybe a little nap. Um... [watches Nancy viciously wash the car] But you obviously are having a slow psychotic breakdown, so I'll just ask, do you have any money?

Nancy

No, I don't. [laughs] I have a backseat full of blood. I have two license plates I may have to remove. I have an assistant's job that a monkey could do. I have a death wish. You're welcome to any of those sparkly gems.

Andy

[after Nancy tells him to cater a party] I don't remember volunteering my services. Maybe I have plans tomorrow. Maybe I have a play date. [Nancy grabs him]

Nancy

You live here for free.

Andy

Yes.

Nancy

You eat my food. You wipe your ass with my toilet paper. I don't have to ask you shit.

Nancy

[looking at Bubbie sleeping] Jesus, time is cruel. We should start taking fish oil.

Andy

And green tea.

Shane

Yeah, 'cause that'll totally reverse the effects of 90-plus years of life. Get real. It's all downhill from 30 on.

Andy

Shut up!

Nancy

Be quiet. [Silas walks in] What did they say?

Silas

That the nurse was fired a month ago. Said a family member called and said he was taking over her care.

Andy

Oh, shit, family member? No, no, no. Forget this. I'm leaving.

Nancy

Oh, no, wait. We don't know for sure. Don't you have cousins? Isn't he on a riverboat somewhere?

Andy

He probably sunk it. It's him. I know it's him. Look. Look around. Paintings missing from the wall. All right, here we go. Tchotchkes missing. Bubbie's watching the World Poker Tour? [looks in the fridge] Ah! Look. [holds up boxed wine] He's here.

Lenny

Excuse me. who the hell are you, bursting in here like this and telling me how to take care of Grandma? With Not-Francie, no less.

Shane

Who?

Lenny

It's your mother. Never mind.

Shane

Her name is Nancy.

Andy

He knows that. He just won't say it.

Silas

Who's Francie?

Lenny

That's the woman your father should've married.

Andy

Why are you always such a prick to me?

Lenny

I'm just not sure you're mine, so I keep an emotional distance.

Andy

If only that were true and I wasn't looking at the Ghost of Hanukkah Future, fighting the urge to throw myself off a cliff.

Lenny Botwin

[complaining to his grandchildren about how Andy was as a child] I asked that prick over there to pedal his little bicycle, which I bought him, up to Del Mar and throw down $100 on a sure thing.

Andy Botwin

Father of the year.

Lenny Botwin

What the fuck does he do? He pockets it. Goes out and buys himself some Star Trek piece of shit.

Andy Botwin

It was Boba Fett.

Lenny Botwin

I don't even know what that means!

Silas Botwin

Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah.

Andy Botwin

Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah...

[pointing a gun at Andy] It is time to pay, cabrón.

Andy Botwin

[to Doug] That's the bad coyote belt-stealer guy. The one who tried to rape Reyna and stab me in the neck.

Doug Wilson

I pictured him taller.

Doug Wilson

I'm a sidekick, Andy. I'm a sad and lonely sidekick. I'm Andrew Ridgeley.

Andy Botwin

What? He's the other guy in Wham! The guy who doesn't blow people in public bathrooms. He had a solo album. I never bought it, but...

Doug Wilson

I bought it, Andy. It sucked.

"El Andy"...this is the woman your depressed amigo [Doug] searches for?

Doug Wilson

People don't even talk to sidekicks. It's like I'm not even here.

Andy Botwin

That's the one, Raul.

We will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.

Andy Botwin

[trying to plea the Minute-Man Leader to lower his gun] Do you see this girl here? This is the love of his life.

Andy Botwin

She's the woman that he's gonna marry.

Doug Wilson

Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.

[about the smuggled Mexicans] Wait, give me one...so my day is not a total loss.

Andy Botwin

"Give you one"?! These are people!

Doug Wilson

Just, just give him the guy that hugged me, he's annoying. Hombre, up and go. Let's go. Here, come on. Let's go. Out. [the Mexican runs away as soon as Doug pulls him out of the car]

[to Doug] Get the fuck out of here! [laughs in joy as he heads off with his gun to chase the Mexican]

Doug Wilson

It's bullshit. I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out. I deserve some.

Andy Botwin

It's been one day.

Doug Wilson

And a half.

Andy Botwin

[about Maria (Mermex)] Look, she's probably scared. I mean, she's totally out of her element. Make her feel comfortable.

Doug Wilson

How do I do that?

Andy Botwin

You talk to her.

Doug Wilson

Okay. Alright. Talk to her. About what?

Andy Botwin

About anything. On the way over here, we had great talks. She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.

Doug Wilson

She's an orphan?

Andy Botwin

Yeah.

Doug Wilson

Sweet. Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.

He is a terrible man.

Andy Botwin

What? Doug? Come on. He's a great guy.

He is a criminal.

Andy Botwin

He's an accountant.

A thief, who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.

Andy Botwin

A CPA with legal problems who's going through a divorce and is wildly in love with you.

He has warts on his genitals.

Andy Botwin

Yeah, I got nothing to that.

[grabs Andy's naked crotch] You are excited.

Andy Botwin

No, no. It's just windy out.

I do not think it is the wind.

Andy Botwin

[trying to resist himself as she kisses her way down] Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs!