Nancy Botwin quotes from Weeds

Nancy

(Reading flyer) What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly. Are you sure this isn't what to do if you want to date a mountain lion? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia, so...

Celia

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy

Excuse me?

Celia

I think I'd like to try it.

Nancy

With who?

Celia

Anyone. I don't care. I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna fuck around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock in my mouth is just too depressing.

Nancy

I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.

Celia

Maybe you're right. The truth is, pussy really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

Celia

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy

None of your business

Celia

Oh come on, tell me

Nancy

Okay, I slept with a woman in college

Celia

How was it?

Nancy

Boring.

Celia

Well, maybe you didn't do it right.

Nancy

She said I was the best she'd ever had.

Celia

What are you doing Friday night?

Lupita

Doesn't smell like sage.

Nancy

Obviously menopause has affected your sense of smell.

Lupita

I don't smell with my coochie.

Nancy

Shane, did you shoot the Elderman's cat?

Shane

What! No! I shot the mountain lion. Right in the eye.

Nancy

Why?

Shane

Because that's what Dad would've done.

Shane

This sucks.

Nancy

Yeah, but imagine how the mountain lion feels.

Oh, we do not joke about our Lord Jesus Christ.

Nancy

(Laughs) It's a stupid t-shirt. We should ignore it.

Maggie

Only one man died for my sins, Nancy. And his name wasn't Chris.

Pam

Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? Like a nickname?

Nancy

They wanted to suspend him.

Andy

For what? If Shane wants to believe in Chris, and they try to suspend him for it, Whoa! That's freedom of religion, that's like the first commandment; we could nail ‘em on that.

Nancy

I don't think Chris is protected under "Freedom of Religion," Andy. In fact, the Angry Christian Moms I heard from in the PTA were pretty offended by it.

Andy

Well that's so intolerant. I mean, what would Jesus do?

Nancy

You're the Candyman?

Yes, you getting any exercise?

Nancy

Excuse me?

If you're not committed to personal fitness, I can't in good conscience sell to you.

Nancy

I wouldn't say Heylia's in the best shape.

Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her into a diabetic coma. So I have no problem selling to her.

Nancy

Why?

Scare her. Some people never learn until their life is on the line.

You know what you are?

Nancy

What?

Skinny-fat. And what are we gonna do about that?

Nancy

We're gonna start exercising right away.

Don't humor me. I'm very serious. I used to weigh 314 pounds.

Nancy

Wow. Congratulations.

The key, exercise.

Nancy

You know, I'm not buying for personal use.

Are your customers just a bunch of Fatty McFat-Fats?

Nancy

Well they're smokers. But it stands to reason that if they eat rather than smoke, they can breathe easier should they decide to exercise.

That's a reasonable assumption.

Andy

Hey pants

Nancy

Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cyber sex with a 15 year old deaf girl.

Andy

The way I see it is you're in way over your head here. You got a house, you got bills, you're a mommy. Dealing is a full time job. You need some help, Nancy Pants.

Nancy

Don't call me pants. Judah called me pants, not you.

Andy

Hey, I miss him too, Nancy. Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother. And I loved him. And I have your back.

Heylia

Hey! Hey! Stop all that damn arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?

Vaneeta

Yeah

Conrad

Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?

Vaneeta

She's in shock, slap her.

Conrad

I ain't slappin' no white woman.

Heylia

Move, I'll do it.

Nancy

No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)

Heylia

You sure?

Nancy

Yeah (sniff).

Heylia

all right, let's clean this shit up.

Nancy

(Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?

Heylia

Baby, that probably was the police.

Nancy

I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.

Conrad

We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?

Heylia

Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.

Andy

Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.

Nancy

Please leave.

Andy

I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!

Nancy

I can't do this right now.

Andy

You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.

Nancy

Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.

Andy

If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.

Nancy

(Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.

Andy

Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.

Nancy

This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.

Andy

Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.

Shane

I got sent to the school shrink. They'll probably be calling you.

Nancy

Oh, not again, why this time.

Shane

I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler, with my Gat.

Andy

Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for god's sake.

Nancy

‘Cause you're stupid. So, Ms. Greenstein, wha-what happens now?

Incarceration, in a medium security prison for no longer than 10 years.

Andy

10 years?

Joke! (Laughs) Listen up everybody, there's nothing to worry about. You're looking at a fine and, probably an anti-drug class.

Nancy

So, no jail time?

You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.

Andy

Oh, that's bullshit.

I don't understand, that's good news.

Andy

I paid for a full ounce. They fuckin' cheated me.

Nancy

They fuckin' saved your ass from going to jail.

Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.

Nancy

So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?

That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.

Nancy

What if the marijuana is in baked goods – say, candy or chocolate?

(Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.

Nancy

What would get their attention?

Andy

If I sued ‘em, can I sue ‘em?

All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.

Nancy

What about growing?

Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.

Nancy

Years?

Probation.

Nancy

So you can grow it, but you can't break it down?

Not unless you wanna go to jail or flee to Mexico. Or Canada. Canada rocks. Primo weed, reeeaaalllly good Chinese food.

Nancy

Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.

What's your business?

Nancy

I own a bakery.

Smart cover. Call anytime.