Nancy Botwin quotes from Weeds

Celia

I was thinking of going bigger.

Nancy

Bigger?

Celia

Really big. Like freak show big. 47 triple Fs. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Nancy

I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.

Celia

Sorry. I took a lude.

Silas Botwin

This is a non starter.

Nancy Botwin

I will never let you deal.

Silas Botwin

You don't have the choice. I know you don't.

Nancy Botwin

It's too dangerous. I don't want this for you. Come back here.

Nancy Botwin

We'll discuss this later.

Nancy

[scrubbing blood out of her car] I'm pretty sure something even more heinous is gonna happen to me, because that just seems to be the way it rolls! I really think I'm finding myself. [pulls off a rubber glove] Look at my hand. Nerves of steel!

Andy

Pretty steady.

Nancy

That's what I'm talking about.

Andy

Well, this is all good. Meanwhile, a reconnaissance drone killed my battle buddy, and I'm going to die. I know too much. I was hoping for a shower, maybe a little nap. Um... [watches Nancy viciously wash the car] But you obviously are having a slow psychotic breakdown, so I'll just ask, do you have any money?

Nancy

No, I don't. [laughs] I have a backseat full of blood. I have two license plates I may have to remove. I have an assistant's job that a monkey could do. I have a death wish. You're welcome to any of those sparkly gems.

Andy

[after Nancy tells him to cater a party] I don't remember volunteering my services. Maybe I have plans tomorrow. Maybe I have a play date. [Nancy grabs him]

Nancy

You live here for free.

Andy

Yes.

Nancy

You eat my food. You wipe your ass with my toilet paper. I don't have to ask you shit.

Shane

Do you really think evolution is a lie?

Well, I believe that I'm descended from Adam and Eve, and not a monkey.

Shane

So, natural selection, Darwinism, empirical data, none of that factors in for you?

Evolution is just a theory. I mean that's why they call it the Theory of Evolution and not the Fact of Evolution.

Shane

Oh, what about-

Silas

Hey, you asked your question. Now, shut the fuck up.

Nancy

Silas, don't swear at your brother. Shane, don't antagonize Tara. Tara, keep saving it for the Lord! Where the fuck's Andy?

Nancy

Doug, you're cooking in my kitchen. There's a reason for that?

Doug

Andy's on set. I'm helping him out.

Nancy

Oh, that's nice. [picks up an envelope on the counter]

Doug

Oh, that's from the tall one. Leif Garretty, "Blue Lagoon"-ish?

Nancy

Silas?

Doug

Yeah. Said you were out of weed, then he took off with a blonde. Tiny tits, big cross?

Nancy

Tara.

Doug

And your other one. Big vocab, creepy eyes?

Nancy

Shane.

Doug

He's outside with what's-her-name. Celia's dyke.

Nancy

Isabelle.

[talking about the fire he stared] And it goes like that, just over and over, all the way south to Mexico. [nods his head forward]

Nancy Botwin

[whispering to his ear] You're facing west.

See, I could use you. You tell me which way is south. [rubbing against her] You be my navigator.

Nancy Botwin

Hand off the ass.

Nancy

[looking at Bubbie sleeping] Jesus, time is cruel. We should start taking fish oil.

Andy

And green tea.

Shane

Yeah, 'cause that'll totally reverse the effects of 90-plus years of life. Get real. It's all downhill from 30 on.

Andy

Shut up!

Nancy

Be quiet. [Silas walks in] What did they say?

Silas

That the nurse was fired a month ago. Said a family member called and said he was taking over her care.

Andy

Oh, shit, family member? No, no, no. Forget this. I'm leaving.

Nancy

Oh, no, wait. We don't know for sure. Don't you have cousins? Isn't he on a riverboat somewhere?

Andy

He probably sunk it. It's him. I know it's him. Look. Look around. Paintings missing from the wall. All right, here we go. Tchotchkes missing. Bubbie's watching the World Poker Tour? [looks in the fridge] Ah! Look. [holds up boxed wine] He's here.

Nancy

[a phone call wakes her up] Hello?

I have your friend.

Nancy

What? Who is this? What friend?

Your friend Celia. I have her and you pay me money or she dies.

Nancy

Celia?

Celia Hodes! I have kidnapped her and today I chop off her ear.

Nancy

How Van Gogh.

What? You send me $40,000 or I'll do it!

Nancy

That's too early for this, we're really not friends.

Okay, $30,000... [Nancy hangs up]

Nancy

It's so wonderful wonderful.

Andy

What?

Nancy

You once said that to me.

Some idiot is standing in front of the car.

Nancy

Oh that's no idiot that's my...actually you're right.

Andy

(out of breath) I was parking when you were pulling away and I was all 'Hey, Nancy!' but you couldn't hear me so I started running which is harder then it looks.

Nancy

Yes

Andy

(short pause) Okay here it goes-

Nancy

You never listen-

Andy

I listen-

Nancy

You don't.

Andy

I trying to tell you something big that's happening in my life.

Nancy

Major event for Andy? You going to Candy Mountain?

Andy

Does it always have to be about you?