Wallace Fennel quotes from Veronica Mars

Veronica

My Dad spend the night at your place?

Wallace

Yep.

Veronica

He do the A.M. doughnut fake-out run?

Wallace

[pulls out paper bag] Want one?

Wallace

Oh, that's just pathetic. Up! Get up! I came here to see Veronica Mars. Who's this... Emo girl?

Veronica

Leave me alone. I'm wallowing.

Wallace

Not anymore. We're going out. We gotta go see a movie or get in a barfight or something.

Veronica

I don't wanna get in a barfight.

Wallace

Tough, 'cause you're goin if I have to drag you. But before we do, Veronica: Shower. You smell bad.

Veronica

You're not helping. You think you're helping. But you're not.

Veronica

So, the manager's boyfriend just dumped her, and she says this helps with the stress.

Wallace

What is it?

Veronica

A German chocolate nut-gasm.

Wallace

I don't think that's going to help.

It's called self-surrender. At the negotiated time - five days hence - Wallace Fennel will turn himself into the Neptune sheriff's department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police.

Wallace

What if I'm not there?

Then they'll issue a warrant, you'll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up "married" to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual.

Veronica

Or prove your innocence.

Or that. Suit yourself.

Veronica

Please, get a room. In Australia.

Wallace

Hey, we're practicing for the prom.

Veronica

What debutante bit you and turned you into prom zombie?

Jackie

[waves] We just gave in, the whole nine yards - the ridiculous dress, the tux, lobster dinner, and limo. I mean, it happens once. Why not go all out?

Mac

Because no one sold you as an indentured servant to Butters.

Veronica

Mac, I didn't think he'd actually -

Mac

He's picking me up in a Hummer limousine, we're having dinner on a replica pirate ship, and I suspect he's hired a zeppelin for the ride home. I'm going to fill my pockets with rocks, get a good grip on your ankle, and I'm going to jump off the top of -

Clemmons

[over loudspeaker] Attention students: due to a significant number of alcohol related violations on the senior trip, this year's prom has been cancelled. That is all.

Mac

Yes! Prayer works!

Veronica

Okay, I have news. The senior memories once thought lost forever can, in fact, be generated after all, albeit in a slightly degraded form. The rich kids are throwing a private replacement prom.

Wallace

Damn, they just privatizing everything these days.

Jackie

[looking at invitation] Alterna-Prom? Hmm, formal attire.

Wallace

That's what I'm talking about.

Veronica

Please don't give us the tux speech again.

Wallace

What? You mean how, when I put on a tux, I make James Bond look like Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel?

Veronica

Do you know how long I've wanted to go to Stanford?

Wallace

Since middle school.

Veronica

Elementary, my dear Wallace.

Veronica

Do you have any idea how long I've waited to say that?

Wallace

You better enjoy this, 'cause this is as nostalgic as I get. I just wanted to say, it was worth getting taped to a pole. I'm gonna miss you.

Veronica

And my stupid ass face?

Wallace

[walking away] This conversation never happened.

Veronica

Sure it did.

Wallace

Took this side. Hope that's cool.

Piz

Yeah, no sweat. I rarely wear clothes indoors. Hope that's cool.

Wallace

[chuckles, then stops abruptly] That's not cool at all.

We saw you get ripped off.

Veronica

You're twelve. What were you doing up at Hearst?

Checking out the college girls laying out. Some of them go topless.

Wallace

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up right there, son. Tell us exactly where this sunbathing goes on.

South quad, where that statue is.

Veronica

What are you saying you saw?

Piz

Is it the Randolph Hearst statue, or the amorphous blobby thing?

Veronica

[knocks] Wallace?

Wallace

Not here.

Veronica

And you would be?

Wallace

Evil Wallace. And I know Veronica Mars doesn't hang with the evil and morally bankrupt.

Mac

Veronica?

Veronica

I'm fine.

Mac

I know. We know. But it's okay if you're not.

Veronica

I'm fine. Seriously. I just told the two of you because I thought you should know. I'm not looking for a pity party.

Wallace

That's good, 'cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.

Veronica

Howdy, boys. Anyone up for going to a Pi Sig blowout? [Wallace and Piz look unimpressed] Beer and ladies and music...and other stuff guys like, I'm sure? Fast cars, loose slots, electronic gadgetry? Televised sports? Pornography? Nothing? None of this grabs you?

Piz

We were already planning on going.

Wallace

I think everybody at Hearst is gonna be there.

Veronica

Awesome. Then you can help me out.

Wallace

Suddenly, it sounds like a lot less fun.

I know you from somewhere.

Wallace

Yeah, you told me to go see the Wizard and ask him for some guts.

Well, did you?

Wallace

Yeah. [smirks] He said to let you know that you're the only sheriff in America that he considers a true Friend of Dorothy.

Wallace

What?

Veronica

I'm just trying to figure out which Gilmore girl you are.