Wallace Fennel quotes from Veronica Mars

Veronica

Listen to this. "Not that innocent? Buy the results of anyone's purity test. Ten dollars will let you know if you're dating an angel from Heaven or a hottie from Hell."

Wallace

That's crazy. You can go on there and buy anyone's test?

Veronica

I never thought I'd say this, but I kind of can't wait for school tomorrow.

Wallace

My mom thinks I'm staying at Norman's house.

Veronica

Who's Norman?

Wallace

Norman is my imaginary, straight-A, Eagle Scout (does air quotes gesture) mama's boy friend.

Veronica

He sounds boring for an imaginary friend.

Wallace

Mom seems to like him.

Wallace

This mission better involve me seducing the head cheerleader.

Veronica

I need you to poke around and see if you can get me a fake ID. If you must seduce the head cheerleader in order to accomplish your mission, so be it.

Wallace

No sweat! How do I do it?

Veronica

Play on her insecurity.

Wallace

I meant the fake ID.

Veronica

How hard can it be to find an actor named Tom Cruz?

Wallace

Tom Cruise? Not as good a private eye as I thought.

Wallace

Damn. This dog is a freak show. He oughta be in show biz.

Veronica

D'you think that's some kind of rare breed or something?

Wallace

That or a drunk dingo had a three-way with an ocelot and a porcupine.

Great game the other night man. Eighteen points, eight assists.

Wallace

On the streets we call those dimes.

Veronica

Streets? You live on the corner of Pleasant Valley and Marigold.

Veronica

Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?

Wallace

Isn't that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?

Wallace

He's not gropin' her, is he?

Veronica

No, but earlier I saw him cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket.

Veronica

No offense, but you look... odd.

Wallace

I just watched our parents cuddle on the couch last night. My eyes - they burn.

Veronica

Any idea what our parents do Mondays and Wednesdays from 6:00 to 10:00 that requires an overnight bag?

Wallace

As far as I'm concerned, they play bingo at the V.F.W. That's my story. I'm sticking with it.

Wallace

I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from The Outsiders.

Veronica

Be cool, Sodapop.

Wallace

You think it's a conspiracy?

Veronica

This is Neptune. Nothing happens accidentally.

Veronica

Got any enemies you know about?

Wallace

Well, there's the Klan.

Veronica

This isn't really their M.O.

Wallace

Well, then I guess that leaves everybody that hates you

Wallace

[after failing a drug test] Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoked so much ganja, I don't even remember doing it.

Veronica

What if you did ingest an illegal substance, but it was such a mild dose that you weren't even aware of it? Eat any mystery brownies lately?

Wallace

Spirit boxes! The day of the back to school athletic banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies.

Veronica

Did you eat one?

Wallace

I ate six.

Veronica

That's my Wallace.

Keith

What's up, honey?

Veronica

Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.

Keith

Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?

Veronica

This is a health class project. Come on, you're a man -- can you give him some pointers?

Keith

[sighs, walks over to bathroom door] Wallace?

Wallace

Yup?

Keith

You try turning the water on?

Wallace

Mmmm-hmmm.

Keith

Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work.

Veronica

[pushes her dad out of the room] Eww that's disgusting. I can't even look at you. [giggles]

Jackie

Look, I haven't dated a guy in high school since the eighth grade.

Wallace

I'm an old soul. Seriously, these eyes have seen things. Did I mention I'm a nice guy?

Jackie

Ah, "nice." The great panty dropper.

Wallace

Okay, I'm not that nice.

Jackie

Oh, yes you are.

Wallace

How do you know?

Jackie

Because I haven't tried to make out with you yet.