PProsecutor
Thank you, Mr. Lahey, for your expert testimony, and for providing this very illuminating tape. Your honor, I think the video evidence clearly speaks for itself, and that any sane and rational person would have no choice but to convict these individuals of these ridiculous crimes.
RickyBlah, blah, blah, blah, blah, fuck.
PProsecutor
Oh, F objection! That's the 17th time that he has sworn so far.
Ricky
Alright, I'm fuck...I'm sorry about the bulls...about all the stuff, but the prosecutor is a f...he's a...he's an effin' bad guy and he's...he's pissin' me off.
PProsecutor
He can't even speak without swearing. Your honor, this is ludicrous. It's a disgrace to these proceedings.
JJudge
Thank you. Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.
Ricky
Thank you, Your Majesty.
JJudge
And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed. But please remember to watch your language.
Ricky
Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my grade 10, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, I'm ready to fuckin' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked. And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bullshit. It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a fuckin' miss draw.
PProsecutor
This man can't represent anyone! Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!
JJudge
Now, although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.
Ricky
Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.
[Ricky walks over to the prosecutor's desk and snaps his fingers]
Ricky
Let's go, smokes!
PProsecutor
But I've only got two left!
Ricky
I don't care. You've been a dick all morning. It's the least you can do for me.
PProsecutor
Oh, for the love of God.
[Several members of the prosecution start to light cigarettes]
JJudge
Just the defendant, please.
Ricky
My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fuckin' grin off his face, because it's distraculating my case. Next I want to announce that Lahey and Randy have been drinkin' all fuckin' day, they're wasted out of their fuckin' minds, and they're both assholes. And the testimony they gave was total fuckin' bullshit. I can prove it and show you what really fuckin' happened here.
Ricky
Hoy are you doing? What's going on?
Listen, can we talk to J-Roc for 1 minute?
LLinda
Yeah, he's in his room. He can stand the noise. I made some pancake. You want some, Bubbles?
Yes, please. Put some butter onto it.
[Inside J-Roc's trailer, where rap music plays]
LLinda
Jamie! Jamie, your friends are here! Jamie? Turn down that damn music! What can year thing. Come on, Jamie! [opens the door]
LLinda
Ga fuck! You know what I'm sayin'!
[turns off the music] Turn that shit off, muthafucka! I was gettin' changed, you know 'm sayin'?! I don't want that shit on TV!
Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!
Ricky
Turn off the fuckin' camera. What the fuck are you doing, J-Roc?
I was gettin' changed, mothafucka!
Ricky
Changed my ass, you fuckin'...
You non-knockin' muthafuckas!
Ricky
That was fucked.
It wasn't that fucked, you know 'm sayin'? I was gettin' changed. What's goin' on?
Listen man, I got some good news for ya. Get cleaned up and meet me back at the flea market.
Aight. [Pats Bubbles' shoulder with the hand he changed with] Peace, Bub.
You muhfuckas ain't gonna tell nobody that I was gettin' changed, right?
[Jim and Randy get out of the Fuckmobile]
Julian, what the hell's this shit?
Not breaking any rules here, Jim. Why don't you take your place on J-Roc's property?
Ricky
So I guess you two can fuck off!
Julian, I told you I didn't want any shit in Sunnyvale. You idiots have loaded up a hair-triggered, double-barreled shit machine gun, and the barrel's pointed straight at your own heads!
So like, the barrel of the gun's bent back?
Let's go, Randy. If these boys want to play hardball, we can play hardball too.
Ricky
You guys are fucked, you know that? [grabs Randy] Get the fuck in you car!
Ricky
Get the fuck out of here!
You keep your hands off him, Ricky! Ricky!
The day of reckoning is at hand, boy!
[Jim revs the Fuckmobile and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers]
Ricky
Later, boys. Oh fu... Reverse, dumbass!
Ricky
You guys are so fuckin' stupid. [gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again and Jim touches Ricky's left hand]
Nice daze out there. Nice getaway, Lahey.
[Jim drives the Fuckmobile backwards and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again]
Ricky
Helix was a wicked concert. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert. I mean, they had good lyrics like, "Gimme an R-O-C-K," and the crowd yells "ROCK" really loud. Now that's a fuckin' concert!
I'm not giving anyone a fuckin' R.
Ricky
Rush just don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about how trees are talking to each other and how different sides of your brain works, or outer space bullshit.
Ricky
What the fuck are you guys doing here? You following us or something?
Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?
Ricky
That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.
[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]
Ricky
There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!
Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise money and double it up, man. We can do it!
All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.
[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]
Ricky
You sure about this?
I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!
I think I can get us some dope, man.
Ricky
Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?
[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking garage]
Ricky
How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?
[Another cop walks up and Ricky gives him money. The cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky.]
Ricky
Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.
Julian, this isn't about the money, you know. Don't you guys ever think of the music? That's what this is about. Remember "Closer to the Heart"? Remember how good the fuckin' concert was in '87?
Ricky
That was awesome, man. Remember we got kicked out during "I Like to Rock"? Then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry? That was fuckin' wicked!
That was fuckin' April Wine, Ricky, but that was a good fuckin' concert.
[Ricky walks up to a hotel front desk with a beat up old guitar]
DADesk Attendant
Welcome to the Prince Elliot.
Ricky
How's it goin'? I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech, and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key, please?
[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]
Ricky
[narration] Most rockstars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to talk to, but for some reason Alex wasn't.
Ricky
I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Look, look. I'm not a ticket agency. I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.
Ricky
You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!
Ricky
[narration] He's just one of these guys that, "Hey, I don't want to talk to anybody," and "I'm a big fancy rock star," and "You can't talk to me!" So, it pissed me off.
[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]
Hang on a second, man! Hang on!
[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]
Ricky
Let's go. No fuckin' around here. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.
Come on, give me a break!
Ricky
Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.
[They walk into the lobby]
Ricky
Hotel security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!
DADesk Attendant
What's going on? Male prostitute?
Ricky
The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?
This is totally kidnapping.
Ricky
This is not fuckin' kidnapping!
This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.
Ricky
I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!
I don't do that kind of stuff!
Ricky
Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this shit!
Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!
Ricky
What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Ricky
It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'...
You're gonna go to jail for a long time.
Ricky
I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?
Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and stole a human being!
Ricky
It's like a little rehearse, Lee. Play a couple of songs, then you can go back to your little dream world or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playin' your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.
Ricky
Julian! I came through, buddy! Where's Bubbles?
He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...
Ricky
I got better than tickets. Check this out.
Ricky. Ricky. This. You're from Rush.
Ricky
Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is J...ah, Gord, uh, Downie. This is Alex. Hey, play "I Like to Rock".
Ricky
Well, play that Diane Sawyer song. Just fuckin' play somethin'. That's why you're here.
[Alex Lifeson plays a song on the guitar]
Ricky, what's he doing here?
Ricky
I just borrowed him for a couple of hours from the hotel.
You kidnapped him, Ricky.
Ricky
That's not kidnapping.
Ricky
It's totally cool, man. We worked it all out.
You were--alright, can you stop playing this just for a second? Alright. Yeah, alright. I'm gonna untie you, and you're not gonna call the police. He's just a big fan. He made a mistake. This isn't kidnapping. I'm sorry, man. Like, are we cool or what?
You untie me, you get me back to my hotel. It's no problem.
[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]
I'm sorry about all this shit, man.
Ricky
Fuck that! Don't even worry about him!
[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cab where to go]
Ricky
Fuckin' shove me...
Ricky
You got enough money? Here's another dollar thirty-six there, dicktree.
[Ricky throws the coins at his feet. Julian helps him pick them up.]
I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!
Ricky
Just get the fuck out of here, would ya? He's kind of a dick.
[Alex Lifeson flips Ricky off as the cab drives away, and Ricky flips him off back]
Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.
Ricky
He fuckin' started it.
No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?
Ricky
Julian, look. I fucked up, and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better idea?
[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]
Ricky
This is fucked up, Julian.
Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun, man.
This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!
You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?
Get down there. You want me to go next?
Please. What if something gets me?
Ah! Something licked me on the knee! Something licked me!
[Julian lifts up a grate]
We did it, Julian. Was that the Alex Lifeson?
Ricky
Shh!
Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.
No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.
Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.
Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.
Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.
He doesn't wear shirts. Not even in the winter time.
[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]
How did you idiots get in here?!
Ricky
Don't worry about it, Lahey. Hey, I know this guy!
See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' T-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.
I don't wear a frig! [Bubbles attempts to put the T-shirt on Randy]
Randy doesn't wear shirts!
[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the T-shirt while the other try to pry him off]
[to the security guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.
[The guards drag the boys away]
[The boys get out of the cab]
Ricky
Fuckin' believe we gotta go down the same!
Boys, it wasn't that bad.
[Alex is in his dressing room, playing "Red Barchetta"]
Ricky
What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?
Oh, not this asshole again. What are you doing with my clothes?! [to Julian] I thought we had a deal here! No cops?
Ricky
Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.
[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]
Alex, we're on in four...
[Randy runs out of the room]
Ricky
You fuckin' asshole!
Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!
Ricky
Fuckin' dicks...
Guys, please. Gimme a break here. I gotta get back on stage. I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes, right now!
Ricky
What the fuck's wrong with track pants?
Yeah, Julian? Jim Lahey here. Yeah, Public Idiot No. 1 has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a shiticane here, Julian.
Ricky
[attempts to take the phone out of Jim's hand] Give me the fuckin' phone.
Ricky is a low-shit system.
[Ricky takes the phone out of Jim's hand]
Ricky
Julian, this is Ricky. Lahey's snooping around my fuckin'--ah, this fuckin' thing. [throws the phone]
Ricky
What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?
It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.
No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.
We were practicing, Randy.
It's not Halloween. We're not doing community theatre.
We're consenting adults, and what we do in the privacy of our own home is--is fine, Mr. Lahey.
And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun. And that we're a couple. Hey everybody, we're gay!
Ricky
[shocked] What?
Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.
Alright, Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody, I'm gay.
[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who awkwardly turns away]
Ricky
What's wrong, sweetie?
You're always in jail for Christmas.
Ricky
I'm gonna do my best to stay out of jail this year. That's what the cruise all about. We're gonna go on the cruise instead of go to jail. I'll tell you what, I got a great idea: why don't we have Christmas today?
Ricky
To make up for all the Christmases I was in jail drunk. We'll have real presents and everything.
Ricky
[gets out of the paddle boat] Come on out.
[Trinity also gets out of the paddle boat, and Ricky throws a glass bottle and a bag into the lake]
You're allowed doing that! That's littering!
[Cut to Ricky sitting on his car]
Ricky
I've notice that if you throw something into a water body, like a lake or an ocean, that the next day you come back and it's gone. So somehow it takes it away and filters it through and just cleans it up, like a garbage compactor or whatever. So it's not really littering, if you ask me.
[Cuts back to Ricky hanging out with Trinity]
Ricky
That's fine. The water's gonna wash it all away, sweetie. Aw shit! We're gonna have to borrow a tire from somebody, Trin.
Trailer Park Boys · 180 quotes
