Randy quotes from Trailer Park Boys

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Scenes with Randy 30

Smokes, let's go, gimme some smokes.

Randy

I've only got two left. I'm not giving you any.

You're a fucking dick. Lahey, go fuck yourself.

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[Jim is smoking a cigarette. Cuts to the Shitmobile playing music, which stops before cutting back to Jim and Randy. Julian throws his water bottle out of the Shitmobile.]

Randy

Made it. Look, he just friggin' littered right in the park for god sakes.

The son of a bitch.

Randy

What an asshole.

I don't. Eye. Eye. Goddamn cigarettes everything.

[Ricky flips Jim off]

Randy

See, they're just lookin. They're trying to get us goin', eh?

I--you know. You know, do you know what recidivism is, Randy?

Randy

I don't have a clue, Mr. Lahey.

That's when people go back to jail over and over and over. I think we got a couple of A1 class act recidivists up there. Look at him.

[Ricky gets out of the Shitmobile to make the Fuckmobile stop]

Fuck off!

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[Ricky and Julian are driving home, only to be met at the entrance to Sunnyvale by Lahey and Randy. Randy is shining a bright light right at them.]

Oh, for fucks sakes. [sighs] Fucking kidding me!

[Peering into Julian's truck] And how's our little gunshot victim tonight?

Ricky What's this shit?

It is my duty to inform you…

[Two kids carrying glass bottles approach the front gate on bikes and skateboards. Randy quickly notices.]

Randy

Bottle kids!

[Julian, Ricky, Randy, and Lahey take cover]

Jesus!

[The kids throw their bottles at Julian’s windshield, shattering upon impact]

Christ!

[The kids make their getaway]

Randy

Get back here, you little buggers!

Go deal with that, Lahey, instead of worrying about us!

Just relax, Ricky. We're taking care of it.

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Randy

You can't be sittin' in the middle of the road drinkin'. It's against the law.

Guys, guys! Break it up! [runs into the middle of Ricky, Lahey and Randy arguing]

You give me that beer back!

Ricky, shut up!

This is drunk and disorderly!

You owe me a twelve-pack of beer, asshole!

Ricky! Would you guys stop it!? Lahey. Lahey, Ricky, get over--

I do not believe how stupid these guys are. Like father, like stupid son.

Lahey--

[Ricky bumps into a beer box]

What?

Lahey, get him off the street.

We've been trying to get him off the damn street.

Well, get him out of here. [pushes Randy away] Go mow some lawns or something, you greasy bastard.

Hey Lahey, you want a smoke? [holds the cigarette to his waist] 'Cause I got one right fuckin' here for you, buddy-boy.

Ricky-- [drags him away]

You got one joke in your resitory, do you, Rick?

[points to Jim] You owe a beer, [points to Randy] and you owe me a beer, you assholes!

Come on, Randy.

Don't you have some offs to fuck there, boys?

Randy

What?

Fuck off!

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EWElectric Worker

Whoever did this is really stupid. You're dealing with a dangerous moron.

Randy

We know a guy who fits that description to a T. Don't we, Mr. Lahey?

LLahey

We sure do. Call me crazy, but do guys who grow dope ever do this kind of thing?

EWElectric Worker

You're not crazy, I see it all the time. Guys bypassing the meters so the cops don't notice the surge in the power bills.

LLahey

Bingo.

Randy

Cops and dope don't mix, do they, Mr. Lahey?

LLahey

Like shit and strawberry shortcake, Randy.

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Randy, come back here for a second.

Randy

What's up, Rick?

Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.

Yeah, and get me some fuckin' Gummiworms and stuff.

Randy

Gummiworms. Okay. Ja-lap-ano chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?

[Julian nods "no"]

Randy

Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?

Yeah, pick me up a bag of ja-lap-ano chips.

Randy

All right.

Jalapeno? What flavor is that?

Ricky, the "J" is silent. You're saying it wrong.

The "J" is like an "H", Ricky. "Hal-a-pee-no," not "ja-lap-ano."

What in the fuck are you guys talking about?

Hal-a-pee-no. Hal-a-pee-no. That's how you pronounce it.

I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!

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[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Jim]

Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.

That'll cost you, Ricky.

Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.

Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?

I got lots of money, Lahey.

[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]

Oh, I get it. Never mind.

Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.

Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5,000 down.

Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuck row knots.

Yeah? And I don't trust you, shit bat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.

Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow? That's some fucking collateral, isn't it?

Randy

You'll kiss his bare ass?

That's what I said, dumbass.

Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?

Gimme a fucking pen!

Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?

[Jim hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]

That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you $100 to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.

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SSaleswoman

Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for Ricky. I have his encyclopedias.

Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!

SSaleswoman

Hi, sweetie!

So what's the damage?

SSaleswoman

Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.

What? For a bunch of fucking books?

SSaleswoman

Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...

Oh no, shh, shh, shh, no, no, no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fucking printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!

Is that all the money you got, Ricky?

Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.

Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?

[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the saleswoman]

Cory

Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissing time, man! Right on!

Trevor

You deserve this, Ricky!

Sarah

My God, Lucy, let's...let's get Trinity out of here right now.

Lucy

Ricky, you did the right thing.

Let's fucking get this over with, Lahey.

[unbuckles his belt] It would be my pleasure, Ricky.

Jesus Christ...

Pucker up, boy! [pulls his pants down]

Randy

Make it a quick one, Ricky!

Bite me, Randy.

[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Jim a peck on the ass]

Randy

That's enough!

Trevor

I can't believe he did that!

Cory

Damn, that's sick, dude!

[Ricky spits]

Trevor

I can't believe he did that! That's fuckin' gross, right?

Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!

Randy

Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.

Leave him alone.

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Randy

You better be careful with my walkie, Ricky.

It's my walkie now, Randy. You got suspended, remember? So fuck off.

Randy

It's still my walkie!

I guess you didn't hear what I just said. First thing I said was "It's my walkie now," second thing is "You're suspended," and the third thing was "Fuck off."

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Strike three, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.

I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here, Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.

Ricky.

[Ricky throws Randy's walkie into the vodka pool, Bubbles laughs]

Randy

You just crossed the line, Ricky!

[Randy attacks Ricky, they tackle each other into the vodka pool, spilling it]

DDonny

WHAT IN THE FUCK!?

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[Jim and Randy get out of the Fuckmobile]

Julian, what the hell's this shit?

Not breaking any rules here, Jim. Why don't you take your place on J-Roc's property?

So I guess you two can fuck off!

Julian, I told you I didn't want any shit in Sunnyvale. You idiots have loaded up a hair-triggered, double-barreled shit machine gun, and the barrel's pointed straight at your own heads!

Randy

So like, the barrel of the gun's bent back?

Let's go, Randy. If these boys want to play hardball, we can play hardball too.

You guys are fucked, you know that? [grabs Randy] Get the fuck in you car!

Clean this up!

Get the fuck out of here!

You keep your hands off him, Ricky! Ricky!

Shit! In you go, fatty.

The day of reckoning is at hand, boy!

[Jim revs the Fuckmobile and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers]

Later, boys. Oh fu... Reverse, dumbass!

Randy

Ricky!

You guys are so fuckin' stupid. [gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again and Jim touches Ricky's left hand]

Randy

Get this cleaned up.

Nice daze out there. Nice getaway, Lahey.

[Jim drives the Fuckmobile backwards and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again]

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[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]

This is fucked up, Julian.

Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun, man.

This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!

You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?

Yes, I wanna see Rush!

Get down there. You want me to go next?

Please. What if something gets me?

Ah! Something licked me on the knee! Something licked me!

[Julian lifts up a grate]

We did it, Julian. Was that the Alex Lifeson?

Shh!

That is him!

Shh!

Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.

Randy

No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.

Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.

Randy

Never do.

Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.

Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.

He doesn't wear shirts. Not even in the winter time.

[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]

How did you idiots get in here?!

Hi, Alex.

Don't worry about it, Lahey. Hey, I know this guy!

Randy

How's this shit?

See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' T-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.

Randy

I don't wear a frig! [Bubbles attempts to put the T-shirt on Randy]

Randy doesn't wear shirts!

[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the T-shirt while the other try to pry him off]

[to the security guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.

[The guards drag the boys away]

DDonny

WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[The boys get out of the cab]

This is fucked!

Fuckin' believe we gotta go down the same!

Boys, it wasn't that bad.

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[Alex is in his dressing room, playing "Red Barchetta"]

What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?

Oh, not this asshole again. What are you doing with my clothes?! [to Julian] I thought we had a deal here! No cops?

Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.

[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]

Randy

Alex, we're on in four...

Oh, great.

Randy

I'm friggin' tellin'!

[Randy runs out of the room]

You fuckin' asshole!

Randy

Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!

Fuckin' dicks...

Guys, please. Gimme a break here. I gotta get back on stage. I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes, right now!

What the fuck's wrong with track pants?

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What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?

It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.

Randy

No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

We were practicing, Randy.

Randy

It's not Halloween. We're not doing community theatre.

Randy.

Randy

We're consenting adults, and what we do in the privacy of our own home is--is fine, Mr. Lahey.

Randy, please.

Randy

And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun. And that we're a couple. Hey everybody, we're gay!

[shocked] What?

Randy

Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.

Alright, Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody, I'm gay.

[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who awkwardly turns away]