Alex Lifeson quotes from Trailer Park Boys

How's it goin'? I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech, and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key, please?

[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]

[narration] Most rockstars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to talk to, but for some reason Alex wasn't.

I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Alex Lifeson

Look, look. I'm not a ticket agency. I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.

You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!

Alex Lifeson

I'm sorry.

[narration] He's just one of these guys that, "Hey, I don't want to talk to anybody," and "I'm a big fancy rock star," and "You can't talk to me!" So, it pissed me off.

[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]

Alex Lifeson

Hang on a second, man! Hang on!

[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]

Let's go. No fuckin' around here. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.

Alex Lifeson

Come on, give me a break!

Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.

[They walk into the lobby]

Hotel security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!

DADesk Attendant

What's going on? Male prostitute?

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Alex Lifeson

Where are we?

The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?

Alex Lifeson

This is totally kidnapping.

This is not fuckin' kidnapping!

Alex Lifeson

This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.

I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!

Alex Lifeson

I don't do that kind of stuff!

Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this shit!

Alex Lifeson

Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!

What the fuck are you talkin' about?

Alex Lifeson

You are crazy!

It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'...

Alex Lifeson

You're gonna go to jail for a long time.

I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?

Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and stole a human being!

It's like a little rehearse, Lee. Play a couple of songs, then you can go back to your little dream world or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playin' your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.

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Hey, buddy.

Julian! I came through, buddy! Where's Bubbles?

He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...

I got better than tickets. Check this out.

Ricky. Ricky. This. You're from Rush.

Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is J...ah, Gord, uh, Downie. This is Alex. Hey, play "I Like to Rock".

Alex Lifeson

That's April Wine.

Well, play that Diane Sawyer song. Just fuckin' play somethin'. That's why you're here.

[Alex Lifeson plays a song on the guitar]

Ricky, what's he doing here?

I just borrowed him for a couple of hours from the hotel.

You kidnapped him, Ricky.

That's not kidnapping.

You don't borrow people.

It's totally cool, man. We worked it all out.

You were--alright, can you stop playing this just for a second? Alright. Yeah, alright. I'm gonna untie you, and you're not gonna call the police. He's just a big fan. He made a mistake. This isn't kidnapping. I'm sorry, man. Like, are we cool or what?

Alex Lifeson

You untie me, you get me back to my hotel. It's no problem.

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[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]

I'm sorry about all this shit, man.

Alex Lifeson

Okay. It's all right.

Fuck that! Don't even worry about him!

[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cab where to go]

Fuckin' shove me...

Alex Lifeson

I'm going downtown.

You got enough money? Here's another dollar thirty-six there, dicktree.

[Ricky throws the coins at his feet. Julian helps him pick them up.]

Alex Lifeson

I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!

Just get the fuck out of here, would ya? He's kind of a dick.

You fucked up big time.

[Alex Lifeson flips Ricky off as the cab drives away, and Ricky flips him off back]

Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.

He fuckin' started it.

No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?

Julian, look. I fucked up, and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better idea?

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[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]

This is fucked up, Julian.

Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun, man.

This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!

You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?

Yes, I wanna see Rush!

Get down there. You want me to go next?

Please. What if something gets me?

Ah! Something licked me on the knee! Something licked me!

[Julian lifts up a grate]

We did it, Julian. Was that the Alex Lifeson?

Shh!

That is him!

Shh!

Alex Lifeson

Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.

No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.

Alex Lifeson

Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.

Never do.

Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.

Alex Lifeson

Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.

He doesn't wear shirts. Not even in the winter time.

[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]

How did you idiots get in here?!

Hi, Alex.

Don't worry about it, Lahey. Hey, I know this guy!

How's this shit?

See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' T-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.

I don't wear a frig! [Bubbles attempts to put the T-shirt on Randy]

Randy doesn't wear shirts!

[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the T-shirt while the other try to pry him off]

[to the security guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.

[The guards drag the boys away]

DDonny

WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[The boys get out of the cab]