Julian quotes from Trailer Park Boys

Julian

Randy, a lot of barbecues look alike. You're probably on drugs or confused or something like you usually are.

Cyrus

Hey! That's my shit!

Cyrus

Hey! That's my shit! That's my shit!

Julian

I want you out of this park.

Julian

I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky.

Ricky

No more than two weeks, I promise.

Julian

What the hell happened to my trailer, boys?!

Cory

Okay, chill. There's this guy named Cyrus. He just moved in here. There was nothing we could do about it. He has a gun, and he's nuts.

Ricky

Shut up! You better shut up or I'll come out there after ya! I swear to God, I'll kill every one of ya!

Julian

Ricky, would you shut up?! Go to sleep! [cuts to Julian inside the trailer] Well, I've been out of jail for a week now, and it's time for me to make some important decisions in my life. I'm gonna go to community college.

Ricky

Will you dogs please stop barking? I'm trying to sleep here.

Julian

I'm either gonna become an electrician, a meat cutter, or I'm gonna get into television and radio broadcasting.

Ricky

Stop fucking barking!

Julian

Ricky, what are you shooting at?!

Ricky

Shut the fuck up! [to Julian] Squirrels and dogs and assholes! [fires off his pistol once more] Shut up!

Julian

Ricky! Ricky! Hold your fire! [walks towards Ricky] What are you doing?

Ricky

Shh, shh. Listen, listen.

Ricky

Asshole. [fires off his pistol]

Julian

Ricky, what are you doing? We're on probation, man.

Ricky

I'm trying to get some sleep here, Julian.

Julian

Do you want to go back to jail?

Ricky

I can't handle this livin'-in-a-car shit.

Julian

Do you want to go back to jail?

Ricky

Listen to this shit. [fires his pistol again]

Julian

Get in the car. [pushes Ricky into the car] Get in the car.

STOP FUCKIN' FIRIN'!

WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian

Shut up!

Ricky

I wish everyone would shut the fuck up out there.

Julian

Ricky, what are you doing?

Ricky

Assholes. [brings out his pistol]

Julian

Ricky! [stops Ricky from firing and attempts to take the gun out of his hand] Listen, give me that gun. [takes the pistol]

Ricky

You don't know what it's like livin' in a car, Julian. I got insects and animals fucking me around in here.

Julian

That's what you've got to deal with when you're in a car.

Ricky

I can't sleep!

Julian

Go to sleep. You know what? You're moving out of here tomorrow.

Ricky

Why?

Julian

'Cause you're driving me nuts. You're shooting guns off in the middle of the night.

Ricky

It's not a big deal, Julian.

Julian

Think, Ricky, think.

Ricky

I can't sleep is the problem.

Julian

Go to sleep.

Ricky

Can I have the gun back in case anything happens?

Julian

No more of this shit.

Ricky

I won't fire it unless I absolutely have to.

Julian

You're not going to fire it at all. [gives Ricky his pistol back, then walks off] Go to sleep. Idiot.

Ricky

Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP! [fires his pistol]

Julian

Ricky! Put that thing away!

Bubbles

I want my kitty.

Ricky

Fuck off, Bubbles! You gave me the cat!

Bubbles

I didn't say you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fuckin' car.

Ricky

Bubbles, you got tons of cats. Let me keep him.

Bubbles

He was a loaner. I loaned him to you.

Ricky

Well, I need him. Look at my weed plants. One of them's dead.

Bubbles

I don't give a flyin' fuck. I didn't. Never said you could keep him.

Ricky

What the hell are you doing waking me up so early?

Bubbles

No cat of mine's gonna live in a car. Julian!

Julian

Will both of you guys shut up?

Bubbles

Ricky won't give me my kitty!

Julian

Ricky, give him his cat!

Ricky

It's my cat now! He gave it to me!

Julian

I don't care! Give him his cat!

Ricky

Look. You see that? You know why it's dead? Because a squirrel peed in it! That's why I need the cat. He protects my weed plants! I got four plants left, guys. That's all I got left in my life. Please let me have one cat to protect my plants.

Bubbles

Here's what I know, Ricky. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, ya own it. If it doesn't, ya don't own it. And if it doesn't, you're an asshole, just like you.

Julian

Stay in the car!

Julian

Bubbles, take your cat. Get out of here. Ricky, you stay in the car.

Ricky

You let me out of this car right now!

Julian

CALM DOWN!

Ricky

FUCKIN' LET ME OUT OF HERE! I WANT THAT CAT BACK! I NEED HIM!

Julian

Bubbles, get out of here! Calm down, Ricky.

Ricky

I just got woken up in the middle of a great dream and I'm pissed off!

Julian

I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um...I think Lucy was about 18 or something...

Lucy

I met Julian at a party when I was like 17 or whatever, and...I mean, it was--it was a long time ago, and...you know, nothing really happened.

Julian

Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and...I experienced memory loss and woke up, and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but, I don't know. I just got out of there.

Ricky

What are you doing, Julian? The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sarsaparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...

Julian

Get out of my way.

Ray

What are you doing with the tones, Julian?

Julian

Get off my property, Ray!

Ray

What? What? No, hey, ho, wait!

Ricky

Take it easy, take it easy, man!

Ray

Nah, forget it, Ricky. If he doesn't want me here, I'm goin', man! I'm not wanted here!

Ricky

It's my property!

Ray

Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!

Julian

This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!

Ricky

I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! Eight bucks!

Julian

I'm not joking, Ricky.

Julian

Boys, check out Ricky pickin' up some butts!

Julian

Hey, Ricky! Find any good ones?

Ricky

What?! Yeah, like you guys have never smoked a butt, eh? "Oh, look at Ricky smoking cigarette butts!" I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of your TV show, and I'm sick of you, and I'm sick of everybody! I'm moving to Toronto!

Ricky

I'm especially sick of this dick! Get the fuck out of here, Lahey!

Ricky

Fuck it, man. I'm moving to Toronto and I'm gonna be a street person! I don't care.

Julian

Rick, think about it. You don't got no money, man! What are you gonna do? How are you gonna get out there?

Ricky

I don't know yet, but I'm gonna get out there.

J-Roc

What's goin' on, honkies?

Ricky

J-Roc?

J-Roc

Damn, you stank! You should put some Old Spice and some brute up in that muhfucka!

Ricky

Listen, I'm not in the mood today, all right? So unless you've got two grand you wanna lend me, get the fuck out of my face.

Tyrone

Hey man, take it easy...

Ricky

No, I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of all you guys! I'm sick of this park...

J-Roc

Actually, if you wanna make some scrilla, you pop by my crib. I'll tell ya how to make all kinds of money. I'm serious, too!

Ricky

You're gonna make me some money?

J-Roc

I'll make you tons of money! Know what I'm sayin'? Pop by my crib. 'Scuse me, Gorilla. We da fuck out!

Ricky

Well, if you're serious, I'll be down there in about an hour! [to Julian] Looks like I'm not moving to Toronto.

Ricky

Do you ever watch pornos?

Julian

Why?

Ricky

Just makin' conversation, man. Just wondering what you think of the guys who act in them.

Julian

They're greasy.

Ricky

Sorry, man. Well, let's suppose for a minute that I act in a porno movie. Would you think I was greasy? 'Cause that's a little different.

Julian

You're thinking about doing a porno flick with J-ROC, aren't ya? If you're doing that, then yeah, you'd be real greasy. And stupid.

Julian

Would you see DeNiro doing a porn flick?

Ricky

Well, I don't know. If they paid him enough money, he'd probably do one.

Julian

No, he wouldn't. You're stupid.

Ricky

It's not my fault. You're the one that left the dog with me. I didn't wanna look after him anyway.

Julian

Ricky, Ricky, I was gone for forty-five minutes.

Ricky

Look, I'm bleeding to death here. Just get me to a doctor and shut up!

Julian

Oh, take you to the doctor. What's gonna happen? The police will get involved Ricky. Think!

Ricky

I don't give a--I'M BLEEDIN' TO DEATH HERE! YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT! LOOK AT MY ASS!

Julian

I don't care about your ass, Ricky! I gotta call Levi.

Ricky

LEVI?! FUCK LEVI! I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION!

Julian

Listen Ricky. If that dog dies, I swear to God I'll let you bleed to death, all right?!

Ricky

I don't give a fuck about the dog, all right?!

Julian

SHUT UP!

Ricky

WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT?! ME OR THE DOG?!

Julian

SHUT UP!

Ricky

WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT?!

Julian

SHUT UP!

Ricky

Fuckin' bleedin' to death here!

Julian

Come on, Levi.

Julian

Levi, thank God. I got a situation on my hands here.

Ricky

You fuckin' asshole. What the fuck were you doing eating my brownies?

Julian

Ricky has a bullet in his ass and he fed the dog a bunch of weed brownies.

Ricky

I DIDN'T FEED THE DOG BROWNIES!

Julian

YOU FED THE DOG!

Ricky

HE ATE THEM!

Julian

SHUT UP! I'M ON THE PHONE, RICKY!

Ricky

I NEED FUCKIN'!

Julian

SHUT UP!

Ricky

THIS IS FUCKED UP!

Julian

Here you go. Break in.

Ricky

Why do I have to break in?

Julian

Because this is all your fault and I'm in charge! Hurry up!

Ricky

It's your fault. You gave me the dog, you idiot.

Julian

Hurry up!

Ricky

Jesus Christ!

Ricky

Who the fuck puts an alarm system in a barn? Fuckin' idiots!

Ricky

Hey, retard! Can you hear me? I need a hand in here! Come fuckin' help us!

Ricky

Oh, it's in neutral now. Well, sorry I'm not so smart. I didn't know that.

Ricky

Let's go. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the fuck is that guy? What do you want?

Julian

Relax, Ricky.

WHAT'S GOING ON?!

Ricky

Nothing.

FUCK! AH FUCK!

WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian

Get in the truck!

I'M FUCKING SHOT! Ahh, fuck!

Julian

RICKY, GET IN THE TRUCK!

FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK!

Julian

GET IN THE TRUCK!

FUCK! Cover me, man! I'm fucking shot again here!

I'M FUCKING SHOT!

Julian

HOLD YOUR FIRE! SOMEBODY'S HURT HERE!

Randy

You can't be sittin' in the middle of the road drinkin'. It's against the law.

Julian

Guys, guys! Break it up! [runs into the middle of Ricky, Lahey and Randy arguing]

Ricky

You give me that beer back!

Julian

Ricky, shut up!

Jim

This is drunk and disorderly!

Ricky

You owe me a twelve-pack of beer, asshole!

Julian

Ricky! Would you guys stop it!? Lahey. Lahey, Ricky, get over--

Jim

I do not believe how stupid these guys are. Like father, like stupid son.

Julian

Lahey--

Jim

What?

Julian

Lahey, get him off the street.

Jim

We've been trying to get him off the damn street.

Julian

Well, get him out of here. [pushes Randy away] Go mow some lawns or something, you greasy bastard.

Ricky

Hey Lahey, you want a smoke? [holds the cigarette to his waist] 'Cause I got one right fuckin' here for you, buddy-boy.

Julian

Ricky-- [drags him away]

Jim

You got one joke in your resitory, do you, Rick?

Ricky

[points to Jim] You owe a beer, [points to Randy] and you owe me a beer, you assholes!

Jim

Come on, Randy.

Ricky

Don't you have some offs to fuck there, boys?

Randy

What?

Ricky

Fuck off!

Cory

Everybody down!

Trevor

This is a robbery!

Julian

Everyone keep calm! We don't want your money and we don't want to hurt anybody! We just want some food! Stop fuckin' around! Get in position!

Cory

This is gonna be the best wedding ever, dude.

Trevor

Holy shit. So cool.

Cory

What the fuck do you have so many bananas for, dude?

Cory

Fuck with the corkscrews and shit, man.

Trevor

Fuck. Why are you always telling me what to do?

Cory

There are fuckin' bananas in the cart, dude. We don't want bananas at the wedding. No one eats bananas at the wedding.

Ricky

Lose some smokes.

Cory

Hands up!

Bubbles

Holy fuckin' Jesus! What the fuck have they doing?

Julian

Put your gun down! It's us! It's us!

Ricky

Julian!

Julian

Stop shooting, you dicks!

Ricky

What the fuck's going on here?! I just came here for smokes! What the hell's going on?!

Cory

Sorry, dude, man, we didn't know.

Ricky

[to Julian] You're stupid, [to Cory and Trevor] you're stupid, [to Bubbles] you're a fuckin' idiot.

Bubbles

The fuckin' gun's broke! It's broken!

Ricky

You could've killed me over there! The fuck?!

Julian

Ricky, shut up! [points to the surveillance camera] Ricky!

Ricky

Oh, for fuck sakes! [shoots the surveillance camera]