JimRandy just doesn't understand. I mean, I love him dearly, but I hate Ricky more. I just don't wanna put up with that prick for the rest of my life. You know, he grew up as a little shit spark from the ol' shit flint, and then he turned into a shit bonfire, and driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, he turned into a raging shit firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb, I'll have total control of Sunnyvale, and then I can unleash a shit nom E tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shit flames forever. And with any luck, he'll drown in the under shit of that wave. Shit waves. [Takes a sip of his rum]
Jim
Ricky, do you want me to ask my friends down at the police station if it's okay for you to be drunk in a public place and carrying a loaded handgun while you're on probation?
Why do you start doing your job instead of making false incriminations all the time?
Jim
Why don't you get a life, Rick? Why don't you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach "living in a car and growing dope 101"!
And you could teach "how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fucking idiot that doesn't wear a shirt, and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good 101".
[Ricky is trying to threaten Jim into relinquishing the porno tape]
Just remember, Lahey, what comes around is all around.
Jim
Don't you mean what's all around comes around, Ricky?
This isn't fuckin' over yet.
Jim
That's nice talk to use on television, eh? Don't forget you started this shitstorm, Limpy!
[Jim is smoking a cigarette. Cuts to the Shitmobile playing music, which stops before cutting back to Jim and Randy. Julian throws his water bottle out of the Shitmobile.]
Made it. Look, he just friggin' littered right in the park for god sakes.
Jim
The son of a bitch.
Jim
I don't. Eye. Eye. Goddamn cigarettes everything.
[Ricky flips Jim off]
See, they're just lookin. They're trying to get us goin', eh?
Jim
I--you know. You know, do you know what recidivism is, Randy?
I don't have a clue, Mr. Lahey.
Jim
That's when people go back to jail over and over and over. I think we got a couple of A1 class act recidivists up there. Look at him.
[Ricky gets out of the Shitmobile to make the Fuckmobile stop]
[Ricky and Julian are driving home, only to be met at the entrance to Sunnyvale by Lahey and Randy. Randy is shining a bright light right at them.]
Oh, for fucks sakes. [sighs] Fucking kidding me!
Jim
[Peering into Julian's truck] And how's our little gunshot victim tonight?
Ricky What's this shit?
Jim
It is my duty to inform you…
[Two kids carrying glass bottles approach the front gate on bikes and skateboards. Randy quickly notices.]
[Julian, Ricky, Randy, and Lahey take cover]
Jim
Jesus!
[The kids throw their bottles at Julian’s windshield, shattering upon impact]
Jim
Christ!
[The kids make their getaway]
Get back here, you little buggers!
Go deal with that, Lahey, instead of worrying about us!
Jim
Just relax, Ricky. We're taking care of it.
You can't be sittin' in the middle of the road drinkin'. It's against the law.
Guys, guys! Break it up! [runs into the middle of Ricky, Lahey and Randy arguing]
You give me that beer back!
Jim
This is drunk and disorderly!
You owe me a twelve-pack of beer, asshole!
Ricky! Would you guys stop it!? Lahey. Lahey, Ricky, get over--
Jim
I do not believe how stupid these guys are. Like father, like stupid son.
[Ricky bumps into a beer box]
Jim
What?
Lahey, get him off the street.
Jim
We've been trying to get him off the damn street.
Well, get him out of here. [pushes Randy away] Go mow some lawns or something, you greasy bastard.
Hey Lahey, you want a smoke? [holds the cigarette to his waist] 'Cause I got one right fuckin' here for you, buddy-boy.
Jim
You got one joke in your resitory, do you, Rick?
[points to Jim] You owe a beer, [points to Randy] and you owe me a beer, you assholes!
Jim
Come on, Randy.
Don't you have some offs to fuck there, boys?
Jim
Oooh, nice Mall Cop uniform, Ricky!
Don't even fuckin' start with me today, Lahey. I'm not in the mood.
Jim
I beg your pardon. I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall Cop like you, Rick.
Jim
Who's there, Rick?
Jim
Somebody who?
Somebody whose ex-wife owns the fuckin' trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor 'cause you got fired from the police force 'cause you fucked up big time, but we're not gonna talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin' liquor on you from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to fuckin' shit, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no fuckin' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole fuckin' life! Now there's fuckin' shit everywhere in this fuckin' trailer park! Fuckin' idiot!
[Jim Lahey gets on the podium to make his speech]
Jim
Test...[microphone feedback]...test...test...
DDonnie
GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU DRUNK BASTARD!
[Jim's courage falters, but a moment later, Randy shows up to give his support]
Jim
Who in this park - or even, who in the whole world - doesn't have problems? Who doesn't have a drink too many times once in a while, and maybe even winds up passed out in their own driveway pissing themselves, huh? I'm being serious. Or who doesn't have a--a little puff from time to time? Or who doesn't have problems [looks at Randy] with the people they love? Randy...everybody...now I apologize for my neglect of the things that are most important to me. I'm sorry...I'm sorry. 'Cause this park...is the most important thing in my life, and it always will be, and so will all of you! 'Cause this is our home. This is our COMMUNITY! ...I'm Jim Lahey, and I am your trailer park supervisor. Thanks for coming...Randy...everybody.
[Randy starts clapping. Everyone else gathered also erupts into cheers and applause.]
Jim
Okay, boys. Rule number one: no living in a van in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.
J-Roc, you better straighten Panama Jack the fuck out right now.
Aight, here's what I'm talkin' about, you know'm sayin'? Know'm sayin'? Bubbles is renting this van for twelve dollars a month, you know'm sayin'? That makes this muhfucka an income property, you know'm sayin'? And once me and T get power and water goin' on, then this muhfucka gonna fall under the same jurisdictions as every other trailer up in this ma', you know'm sayin'? So why don't you and that fifteen cheeseburger-eatin', Rico Suave lookin' muhfucka go on, 'cause you ain't beatin' nobody! Peace.
[Tyrone laughs, slaps J-Roc's hand]
That's cold, man! That's crazy! Suave-Rico cheeseburger!
[J-Roc leans his ear to Randy's gut]
Can I get fifteen half-eaten cheeseburgers to go? You know'm sayin'?
[Bubbles laughs]
Talking to his gut like it's a person.
Jim
Alright, boys! Cease and desist! The cops are on the way to Number 1 Bonnyview right now with a warrant.
What are you talking about, Lahey?
Jim
You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope covered with shit that criminals try to hold on to. You see, the shit kind of acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. All the way to jail.
This is private property. Get the fuck outta here. Have another drink, Lahey.
Great guys, what are we gonna do now?
I'm afraid of shit ropes. What is a shit rope?
Meeting inside, let's go!
He's drunk. I don't fucking know.
Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope?
[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Jim]
Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.
Jim
That'll cost you, Ricky.
Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.
Jim
Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?
I got lots of money, Lahey.
[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]
Jim
Oh, I get it. Never mind.
Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.
Jim
Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5,000 down.
Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuck row knots.
Jim
Yeah? And I don't trust you, shit bat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.
Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow? That's some fucking collateral, isn't it?
You'll kiss his bare ass?
That's what I said, dumbass.
Jim
Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?
Jim
Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?
[Jim hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]
That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you $100 to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.
SSaleswoman
Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for Ricky. I have his encyclopedias.
Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!
SSaleswoman
Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.
What? For a bunch of fucking books?
SSaleswoman
Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...
Oh no, shh, shh, shh, no, no, no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fucking printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!
Jim
Is that all the money you got, Ricky?
Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.
Jim
Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?
[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the saleswoman]
Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissing time, man! Right on!
My God, Lucy, let's...let's get Trinity out of here right now.
Ricky, you did the right thing.
Let's fucking get this over with, Lahey.
Jim
[unbuckles his belt] It would be my pleasure, Ricky.
Jim
Pucker up, boy! [pulls his pants down]
Make it a quick one, Ricky!
[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Jim a peck on the ass]
I can't believe he did that!
[Ricky spits]
I can't believe he did that! That's fuckin' gross, right?
Jim
Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!
Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.
Trailer Park Boys · 180 quotes
