Ray quotes from Trailer Park Boys

Ray

How's it going? 5,200 bucks a year! Come on! Life's good.

Ricky

What are you doing, Julian? The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sarsaparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...

Julian

Get out of my way.

Ray

What are you doing with the tones, Julian?

Julian

Get off my property, Ray!

Ray

What? What? No, hey, ho, wait!

Ricky

Take it easy, take it easy, man!

Ray

Nah, forget it, Ricky. If he doesn't want me here, I'm goin', man! I'm not wanted here!

Ricky

It's my property!

Ray

Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!

Julian

This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!

Ricky

I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! Eight bucks!

Julian

I'm not joking, Ricky.

Ray

So tell me, buddy. What did you learn about being a man on the inside this time around, man?

Ricky

Dad, not this shit.

Ray

Not shit, Rick. I'm talking about your soul. And we're going to Midnight Mass tomorrow night too, boys, by the way...

Ricky

No...

Ray

Way it goes! What did you learn about being a man?

Ricky

Mostly just family stuff. I mean, well, a man is...is supposed to...always be thinkin' about stuff about his family and for to make himself to do things that are gonna good-er the family up-around and good-er it up. And that is what is a man.

Ray

Yeah. Yeah, no, you're--you're--you're right. But did you ever wonder why a smart guy like you is on this earth, Rick? Smart guy with a good soul, a guy who shouldn't be in jail?

Ricky

Dad, don't be dissin' jail. Seriously. Don't fuckin' diss jail.

Ray

I'm not dissing jail, Rick. I'm not dissing jail, buddy. I'm talking about your spirituality here, okay? Come on, spirituality!

Ricky

Dad, I write letters every year. You know that. I mean, I'm sending a letter off to the big guy tomorrow. So, it's taken care of. Done. No problem.

Ray

Huh?

Ricky

The letters... You and Mom got me to write them every year at Christmas. I'm sending one off tomorrow again.

Ray

To Santa Claus, Rick?!

Ricky

Yeah, the big guy.

Bubbles

The big guy?! The big guy? That's God, Ricky.

Ricky

Yeah, God. That's what I said. Santa.

Ray

Ricky, come on. You know Santa and God aren't the same guy, right?

Ricky

Dad, you didn't know that? I mean, think about it! How would he get around the world in one night? Of course he's the same person. Right, Bubs?

Bubbles

No, Ricky. Santa and God, that's two different things.

Ricky

What...?

Ricky

Oh my fuck! You know, I did maybe think that I fucked that up. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn't it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?

Ray

Ah, Jesus Ricky!

Ricky

But it'd piss him off!

Ray

Well, yeah, Ricky, but... Man!

Ricky

You never mixed that up?

Ray

No!

Ricky

Bubs, you never mixed that up?

Bubbles

No, Ricky, I've never mixed that one up. Ricky, wait now. Were you counting on Santa to bring presents to Trinity?

Ricky

Yeah. What, Santa's not coming now?

Ray

No! Rick, no.

Ricky

Well, that's fuckin' bullshit! Well, I've got no presents! What am I supposed to do? I need presents for Lucy and Trinity!

Ricky

Great! Christmas is fucked!

Ray

Boys! Let's go. We have to get to church. Let's go.

Ricky

Dad, I can't go to church. Got a bunch of dope from jail and we're going down to the pool hall to make some money!

Ray

Ricky, it's Christmas. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.

Julian

Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I'm not going to church. I can't go to church.

Bubbles

I'm not going to church. I have no interest in going.

Ricky

Dad, I gotta sell my dope...

Ray

Way it goes! Way it goes, boys.

Ray

Cory and Trevor fucked you guys over big time, okay? That's what's going on. They fucked you over big time. They took all your money. It's all gone, you don't own the park. Everything is fucking gone. They took everything, boys.

Ricky

[dumbfounded] Dad, I don't know if I understand you right here. You're saying Cory and Trevor...th-they fucked up?

Ricky

Hey, Dad!

Ray

Hey, buddy.

Ricky

Cookin' some bacon for you, buddy.

Ray

Smells good, buddy.

Ricky

There's only three pieces left, but I'll give it to you so long as I can have the grease.

Ray

You can have the grease, buddy.

Ricky

Cool.

Ray

Bacon frying and the sparrows chirpin', Rick. It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.

Ricky

Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?

Ray

I'm talking about the sparrows, Rick. The sparrows in the Bible, buddy. You know, nothing to worry about. I'm not worried, the trailer's burned down, the sparrows aren't worried, nobody's worried.

Ricky

Sparrows are stupid, Dad. They don't give a fuck about anything.

Ray

Exactly my point, Rick. Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer, Rick. That's the point I'm trying to make this morning.

Ricky

Does ol' Goddy-boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playing VLTs?

Ray

I don't... What's your point, Rick? There's nothing wrong with playing VLTs and gettin' drunk.

Ricky

You want some fuckin' bacon or not?

Ray

Yes, Rick, I do. Rick, there's another point: we should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, because where do you think the bacon came from, Rick?

Ricky

From a cow.

Ray

Randy, why don't you ask Jim where he's been for the last few nights between three and five or nine and 11:15? Go ahead, ask him where he's going.

Randy

Well, he's playing bridge at the hospital, Ray.

Ray

Playin' bridge my arse! He's going down to the strip club gettin' drunk every night and tellin' everyone he's off the booze. And you know why, Randy? Because Jim Lahey is a fuckin' drunk, and he always will be!

Randy

Gimme a drink!

Jim

Randy.

Randy

Gimme a drink!

Jim

Let it go, Randy!

Randy

It's vodka!

Jim

131-proof, straight up. I'm fuckin' wasted!

Ray

Low profile, Julian? What, are you reading books again?

Julian

What's wrong with reading books?

Ray

Nothing wrong with reading books, but there's only one book that counts. It's the Bible. It says to help your friends.

Julian

Does it say anything about you ripping off insurance companies, pretend you're in a wheelchair, then getting caught drunk dancing with hos making porn flicks?

Ray

It's open to interpretation, Julian. It's the Bible.

Ricky

That's nothing, Julian. Me and my old man made 70 bucks from recycling last week.

Bubbles

70 bucks each?

Ricky

No, 30 bucks each.

Bubbles

[to Ray] 30 bucks each? Ray, that doesn't add up.

Ray

Moving on, Bud...

Ricky

Is there any way Lucy coulda got pregnant without my bird doin' stuff to her?

Ray

[laughs] You're joking, right, Rick?

Ricky

No, actually I'm pretty serious, Dad.

Ray

Fuck, um...

Ricky

There must be another way. We have done some stuff, but.. Me and Lucy haven't banged in 7 months and she's 6 months pregnant, so... Does that work out, or...

Ray

Bubbles, answer that. I gotta rock a piss off, buddy.

Ray

Fuck sakes, Phil.

Bubbles

Ricky, I got onion ring fragments on me, get them off!

Ricky

I'm not touching those onions.

Bubbles

GET THEM OFF!

I'm sorry, your honor.

Bubbles

They're ladies of the evening.

Ray

Friends of the road, buddy.