Cory quotes from Trailer Park Boys

What the hell happened to my trailer, boys?!

Cory

Okay, chill. There's this guy named Cyrus. He just moved in here. There was nothing we could do about it. He has a gun, and he's nuts.

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[At the supermarket, the boys are wearing pantyhose masks, armed with various guns, robbing the store. The employees put their hands up.]

Cory

Everybody down!

This is a robbery!

Everyone keep calm! We don't want your money and we don't want to hurt anybody! We just want some food! Stop fuckin' around! Get in position!

[Trevor pumps his shotgun, Bubbles and Julian are stealing a bunch of hotdogs, and Cory and Trevor are stealing chip bags and bananas]

Cory

This is gonna be the best wedding ever, dude.

Holy shit. So cool.

Cory

What the fuck do you have so many bananas for, dude?

[Cut back to Julian and Bubbles stealing hotdogs, then to Cory and Trevor]

Cory

Fuck with the corkscrews and shit, man.

Fuck. Why are you always telling me what to do?

Cory

There are fuckin' bananas in the cart, dude. We don't want bananas at the wedding. No one eats bananas at the wedding.

[Meanwhile, Ricky wanders into the store to buy cigarettes and goes to the checkout line, where the cashier has their hands raised. Ricky doesn't seem to notice.]

Lose some smokes.

Cory

Hands up!

[Ricky pulls out his pistol and fires it at Cory, sending the cashier diving for cover and triggering a shootout. Trevor fires his shotgun, while Bubbles fires his Uzi]

Holy fuckin' Jesus! What the fuck have they doing?

[Trevor continues to fire his shotgun and Cory is firing his pistol]

Put your gun down! It's us! It's us!

Julian!

Stop shooting, you dicks!

What the fuck's going on here?! I just came here for smokes! What the hell's going on?!

Cory

Sorry, dude, man, we didn't know.

[to Julian] You're stupid, [to Cory and Trevor] you're stupid, [to Bubbles] you're a fuckin' idiot.

The fuckin' gun's broke! It's broken!

You could've killed me over there! The fuck?!

Ricky, shut up! [points to the surveillance camera] Ricky!

Oh, for fuck sakes! [shoots the surveillance camera]

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[Outside the supermarket, the boys are frantically loading their looted groceries into their truck. Police sirens can be heard in the distance.]

Let's go, let's go! Everybody out!

Cory

Out of the way, dudes.

Aw shit. [picks up a bag of chips]

I'm never fuckin' speaking to you guys again.

Get in the truck, Ricky!

[Cory and Trevor start putting the food in the truck]

Come on, move!

Retarded. What's with all these fuckin' bananas?!

I fucked up, Ricky. People like bananas.

Fuck off, boys!

I have to get the cart in!

Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!

Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!

Leave the cart!

[Ricky throws the cart away]

Come on!

Get in the fuckin' truck! GET IN!

Jesus Christ!

Get in!

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[Cory and Trevor are putting up signs for Sam Losco]

What are you guys doing?

We're helping Sam.

Cory

Yeah, man. We're gonna get a chance to screw Lahey over.

You guys aren't doin' well in the thinking department, are ya? Sam's a caveman, and he's a dick.

And that makes you guys dicks, 'cause you're promoting him.

He's gonna give us homemade hot dogs when we're finished putting the signs up.

Well, I'm gonna give you some homemade fuck-offs right now. Get rid of these stupid signs, you dummies.

[Ricky gives Trevor two middle fingers and throws the sign]

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SSaleswoman

Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for Ricky. I have his encyclopedias.

Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!

SSaleswoman

Hi, sweetie!

So what's the damage?

SSaleswoman

Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.

What? For a bunch of fucking books?

SSaleswoman

Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...

Oh no, shh, shh, shh, no, no, no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fucking printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!

Is that all the money you got, Ricky?

Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.

Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?

[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the saleswoman]

Cory

Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissing time, man! Right on!

You deserve this, Ricky!

Sarah

My God, Lucy, let's...let's get Trinity out of here right now.

Lucy

Ricky, you did the right thing.

Let's fucking get this over with, Lahey.

[unbuckles his belt] It would be my pleasure, Ricky.

Jesus Christ...

Pucker up, boy! [pulls his pants down]

Randy

Make it a quick one, Ricky!

Bite me, Randy.

[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Jim a peck on the ass]

Randy

That's enough!

I can't believe he did that!

Cory

Damn, that's sick, dude!

[Ricky spits]

I can't believe he did that! That's fuckin' gross, right?

Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!

Randy

Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.

Leave him alone.

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[Ricky is showing Cory and Trevor how to steal gasoline]

Unleaded, blue container. Supreme, red container. Diesel in the green. Okay? Are we clear here, guys?

Yeah, but how can you tell which is the supreme?

[Trinity throws grass at Cory and slaps his arm three times]

What, are you stupid? You fucking taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.

Cory

Will you please. For God sakes, stop it, man. Can you do somethin' about your daughter?

[Trinity slaps Cory's arm again]

Cory

Stop it. Stop it.

Just let her hit you, Cory. Stand down and listen to me.

[Trinity slaps Cory's arm again and they fight each other]

Cory

Stop it. I'm not lettin' ya.

Are you gonna fight my daughter who's nine years old?! 'Cause you're probably gonna get hurt, okay? Boys, don't fuck this up. I am your boss. You do what I say when I say it. Or I'll report both of you to Julian and you won't be goin' on this fuckin' cruise, okay?

Cory

Come on! That's ridiculous, dude!

[Trinity pushes Cory back]

Cory, shut the fuck up, leave my daughter alone and listen to me. Go to the store, get Julian some rum, and go siphon some fuckin' gas, alright? 'Cause I gotta take Trinity to go get some patches.

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[spits gas out of his mouth] Sneeze, old man.

Cory

Man, I'm felling sick, dude.

Then we should stop doing this.

Cory

Yeah man, but the cruise. We gotta do the cruise.

Yeah. I guess it's not that bad.

Cory

Aw shit! Security Dude!

[Cory runs away]

Well, fuck, man!

[Trevor takes the gas containers and the security guard grabs Trevor]

What the fuck are you doin'?!

[The security guard falls over and Trevor runs away with the gas containers]

Fuck you!

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What the fuck are you guys doing here? You following us or something?

Cory

Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?

That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.

[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]

There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!

Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise money and double it up, man. We can do it!

All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.

[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]

Cory

Nice!

You sure about this?

I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!

Cory

That's cool.

I think I can get us some dope, man.

Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?

[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking garage]

How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?

[Another cop walks up and Ricky gives him money. The cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky.]

Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.

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Cory

Hey everybody, how you doin'? This is my friend Mr. Gun! My special guest Smith and Wesson says get your ass down and give some quarters! This is a stick up, real deal, real gun, full cooperation and no one gets done! Yeah! So listen to me, 'cause that's what I say when I rock hip uh...

Stop fuckin' robbin', man. This is a real thing.

Cory

Down, please, miss. Down. Down. Alright, you just keep doin' what you're doin'. You're cool, that's alright. Tall boy, get down! Don't make me fuckin' get up there!

Come on, we want your change.

Cory

Down!

Give us your change now.

Cory

Dude, just take the fuckin' quarters!

Please get on the ground! Aw, man. Look at these little things of detergent. [Trevor takes the detergent] We should take some of these too.

Cory

Thank you very much. Thank you.

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J-Roc, where's this guy at anyway?

J-Roc

Chill out, Julian. Cyrus'll be here in a minute, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Cyrus?!

What the fuck are you doing working with Cyrus?

Well, well, well. If it isn't the big, tough Julianne. The Hubble Bubble Telescope. And Helmet Head.

Fuckin' call me a telescope.

Ladies! The boss is home. It's been a long time no see, dick weeds. (pulls a gun)

Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus?

[chambers a round] Why don't we fuck on?

Cory

[walks out of the trailer] Julian, where's the hand cream?

[takes a man's bag of chips out of his hand] I know one of you dickheads did this to my car, 'cause you're the only ones who know I failed Grade 10.

You failed Grade 10?

[points his gun towards the Roc Pile] Fuck off! [points to his car, which has been vandalized with graffiti] And what's this, "I'm a fuckhead"? Huh?

Actually, it says "I'm fucked in the head," 'cause you are.

Sarah

Ricky, where the fuck are Cory and Trevor? I said I wanted them back an hour ago.

I don't fucking know. They went home two hours ago. They told me.

Sarah

Well, I don't have them, you must still have them.

DDonny

GET YOUR HANDS OFF IT! I PAID FOR A LADY, NOT FUCKING CORY AND TREVOR!

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Cory Braid head. He gets him set up for the clothesline... URRRH!! [clotheslines Cory] Oh my GOD! He fuckin'... Devastating! You all right, Cory?

Cory

Yeah, I'm fine.

I don't give a fuck, actually. [body slams Cory onto the mat] Get in here, Trevor! Come on!

Forget that, Bubbles! I'm goin' home! [Cory sneaks out of the ring and they run away]

[puts his hand up for a high-five] Aw, come on, boys! Boys!

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Boys, get these trees delivered! Come on!

Hurry the fuck up, we gotta go down to the mall! Fuckin' nerds...

[laughs] Nerds!

What the fuck are you guys doing? Huh? Grab a tree! Both of yas! One each!

Cory

You want one of these ones, er...

Just grab a fuckin' tree!

Hey! Nerds! Let's go!

Julian, I can't get the tree out, it's stuck!

You can't get the tree out because you're a nerd! Why is there two nerds carrying one tree?! One tree per nerd! Goddamn fuckin' nerds!

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What if we drove down midnight pass road?

Cory

No, man. If we go up this way, we stop at Mimar's Arcade right there.

What the fuck? Do one of you idiots mind telling why there's only 10 fuckin' carts left in that truck instead of 20?

Cory

Yeah, we had to move 10 off.

Oh, you moved 10 off. Did you hear that, Julian? Precious little Cory and Trevor fucked up and took 10 carts off the goddamn load!

Your order's for 10 carts, Rick. You fucked up.

What the fuck are you lookin' at, Trevor?

Fucked up, Ricky. You know what else? You're wearing the same dirty clothes since you got out of jail. Fuck up, man.

What did you just say to me?

Uh oh.

Knock knock, Trevor.

I'm not gonna say "who's there", man.

You just did, you fuckin' idiot.

[Ricky rips Trevor's pants]

Ricky! Ricky!

Those are my new pants!

Cory

What are you doing?!

Ricky!

[Julian gets out of the car]

Boys! Boys! We're supposed to be workin' like a team here! You wanna be on the winning team that makes a shitload of money, or do you wanna be on the losing team that goes to jail, huh? Apologize to him!

I'm not apologizing to him.

Cory, move. Apologize to him.

I'm sorry I ripped your pants off, Trevor.

It's alright, Ricky. Shit happens, man.

Do you want your pocket back, Trevor?

Here's some gas money. Cory, get over here. Gas money, and here's twenty for a new pair of pants.

Thanks a lot, Julian.

Alright, no speeding. Put on your seatbelts. Don't fuck around.

See you later, Ricky.

Do a good job, boys.

Ricky, you ripped his fuckin' pants right off.

I don't know what happened. I'm just so stressed out lately. I fucked up. He was fuckin' standin' up to me though. He better watch himself or he's gonna lose a fuckin' friend. I'll tell you that.