Ricky quotes from Trailer Park Boys

Ricky

Julian? What the fuck's he doin' here? Julian, what's this bullshit?! Fuck.

Ricky

Why aren't you watching the dope plants? You asshole!

Julian

Calm down, Ricky. We're just grabbing some takeout.

Ricky

Takeout, my ass. It looks like you're on a date with cinnamon roll fuckin' head!

Ricky

Randy, come back here for a second.

Randy

What's up, Rick?

Ricky

Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.

Bubbles

Yeah, and get me some fuckin' Gummiworms and stuff.

Randy

Gummiworms. Okay. Ja-lap-ano chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?

Randy

Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?

Julian

Yeah, pick me up a bag of ja-lap-ano chips.

Randy

All right.

Ricky

Jalapeno? What flavor is that?

Julian

Ricky, the "J" is silent. You're saying it wrong.

Bubbles

The "J" is like an "H", Ricky. "Hal-a-pee-no," not "ja-lap-ano."

Ricky

What in the fuck are you guys talking about?

Bubbles

Hal-a-pee-no. Hal-a-pee-no. That's how you pronounce it.

Ricky

I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!

Jim

Alright, boys! Cease and desist! The cops are on the way to Number 1 Bonnyview right now with a warrant.

Ricky

Bullshit!

Julian

What are you talking about, Lahey?

Jim

You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope covered with shit that criminals try to hold on to. You see, the shit kind of acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. All the way to jail.

Ricky

This is private property. Get the fuck outta here. Have another drink, Lahey.

Bubbles

Holy shit.

Ricky

Great guys, what are we gonna do now?

Bubbles

I'm afraid of shit ropes. What is a shit rope?

Ricky

I don't know.

Julian

Meeting inside, let's go!

Bubbles

What's a shit rope?

Ricky

He's drunk. I don't fucking know.

Bubbles

Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope?

Ricky

Julian, I can't deal with this bullshit right now.

Julian

It's alright, man.

Ricky

What time is it, Bubbles?

Bubbles

It's 11:30, Ricky.

Bubbles

Ricky, you can't fucking light up in the bank!

Ricky

I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! 38 grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!

Uh oh.

Julian

Ricky, calm down.

Ricky

Julian, fuck all this bullshit. Fuck this bank. Let's just go spend it, man. Let's go shopping. We need some gifts, come on.

Julian

Ricky, we're gonna set up some GIC's and some RSP's, man. That's an investment.

Bubbles

Bingo.

Julian

You got it?

Ricky

Fuck investments, Julian.

Julian

Listen, we can go on vacation every year, man. Go on a cruise or something.

Ricky

I don't give a fuck about a cruise. I wanna go spend the cash right now.

Bubbles

Ricky, that's what smart people do with their fucking money. Invest it. Julian's handling all my finances.

Julian

Listen, we just set up a few business in the trailer park, man. Why don't you let me control your money?

Ricky

Control my money? Fuck RSVP's, Julian. What about Freedom 35? I thought we were fucking retired!

Bubbles

Uh oh.

Julian

Calm down.

Ricky

I grew the fucking dope! It's my fucking money!

Bubbles

You can't scream "dope" out in the bank.

Ricky

Dope, dope, dope-itty fucking dope, dope!

Bubbles

Here's security.

Ricky

Fuck.

Julian

Nice. Listen, I can walk out on my own, guys.

Bubbles

Perfect!

Julian

I can explain this.

Ricky

Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fucking cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!

Bubbles

Everybody calm down! We're leaving!

Ricky

Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.

Jim

That'll cost you, Ricky.

Ricky

Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.

Jim

Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?

Ricky

I got lots of money, Lahey.

Jim

Oh, I get it. Never mind.

Ricky

Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.

Jim

Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5,000 down.

Ricky

Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuck row knots.

Jim

Yeah? And I don't trust you, shit bat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.

Ricky

Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow? That's some fucking collateral, isn't it?

Randy

You'll kiss his bare ass?

Ricky

That's what I said, dumbass.

Jim

Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?

Ricky

Gimme a fucking pen!

Jim

Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?

Ricky

That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you $100 to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.

Bubbles

Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for...I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go, and...Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the fucking thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really...he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.

Ricky

There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and it's been a big part of my life, but... You know, it's fucked me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like, "No, you're not fucking going anywhere, because I'm gonna fucking stall on you," and it pisses you off!

Bubbles

It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done, because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot? You shoulda saw her.

Ricky

Yeah, you know what's coming, don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!

Bubbles

You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that old Yorker. [Unwraps a Tootsie Pop] Purple.

I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.

Lucy

This is the guy, right here. The guy in the tracksuit.

Ricky

Who in the fuck are you?

Lucy

He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.

Ricky

And I'm a fuck offer.

Richard, hi. I've heard so much about you. [Hands Ricky some papers]

Ricky

What the hell is this?

Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.

Ricky

You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? [Hands the papers to Bubbles] A lot of big words there, man.

Bubbles

Three years child support payments you owe, Ricky.

Ricky

Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies making up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father, am I, Trinity?

Lucy

Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, okay?

Ricky

Some do!

I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.

Ricky

[Over megaphone] Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college reading and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be banging him!

Ricky

Just a second, buddy.

Bubbles

Ricky, Jesus. You might want to close the door.

Ricky

[to camera crew, drunkenly] Hey, stop fucking filming me in here.

Bubbles

The fuck are you filming him pee for?

Ricky

Turn off the fucking camera!

Ricky

[to camera] Fuck off.

Jim

Where's the five grand, Ricky?

Ricky

It's right here, Shitler.

Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for Ricky. I have his encyclopedias.

Ricky

Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!

Hi, sweetie!

Ricky

So what's the damage?

Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.

Ricky

What? For a bunch of fucking books?

Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...

Ricky

Oh no, shh, shh, shh, no, no, no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fucking printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!

Jim

Is that all the money you got, Ricky?

Ricky

Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.

Jim

Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?

Cory

Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissing time, man! Right on!

Trevor

You deserve this, Ricky!

Sarah

My God, Lucy, let's...let's get Trinity out of here right now.

Lucy

Ricky, you did the right thing.

Ricky

Let's fucking get this over with, Lahey.

Jim

[unbuckles his belt] It would be my pleasure, Ricky.

Ricky

Jesus Christ...

Jim

Pucker up, boy! [pulls his pants down]

Randy

Make it a quick one, Ricky!

Ricky

Bite me, Randy.

Randy

That's enough!

Trevor

I can't believe he did that!

Cory

Damn, that's sick, dude!

Trevor

I can't believe he did that! That's fuckin' gross, right?

Jim

Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!

Randy

Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.

Julian

Leave him alone.

Ricky

Knock knock.

Bubbles

Who's there, Ricky?

Ricky

A bootlegger...a bootlegger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it...'cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation.

Julian

Putting you in an awkwardly situation?

Ricky

Yeah, I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.

Julian

Well, of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!

Randy

You better be careful with my walkie, Ricky.

Ricky

It's my walkie now, Randy. You got suspended, remember? So fuck off.

Randy

It's still my walkie!

Ricky

I guess you didn't hear what I just said. First thing I said was "It's my walkie now," second thing is "You're suspended," and the third thing was "Fuck off."

Jim

Strike three, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.

Ricky

I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here, Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.

Jim

Ricky.

Randy

You just crossed the line, Ricky!

WHAT IN THE FUCK!?

Trinity

Daddy, wake up! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Wake up! It's time to put my patch on, hurry up, Daddy!

Ricky

Trinity has got to quit smoking. Like, I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous. She had the idea that maybe me and her can quit together, and it's kind of like a good father-daughter thing, so we're going to quit together. We're going to go on the patch.

Ricky

Unleaded, blue container. Supreme, red container. Diesel in the green. Okay? Are we clear here, guys?

Trevor

Yeah, but how can you tell which is the supreme?

Ricky

What, are you stupid? You fucking taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.

Cory

Will you please. For God sakes, stop it, man. Can you do somethin' about your daughter?

Cory

Stop it. Stop it.

Ricky

Just let her hit you, Cory. Stand down and listen to me.

Cory

Stop it. I'm not lettin' ya.

Ricky

Are you gonna fight my daughter who's nine years old?! 'Cause you're probably gonna get hurt, okay? Boys, don't fuck this up. I am your boss. You do what I say when I say it. Or I'll report both of you to Julian and you won't be goin' on this fuckin' cruise, okay?

Cory

Come on! That's ridiculous, dude!

Ricky

Cory, shut the fuck up, leave my daughter alone and listen to me. Go to the store, get Julian some rum, and go siphon some fuckin' gas, alright? 'Cause I gotta take Trinity to go get some patches.