[Julian talks to the camera inside his trailer. Through the window we see Ricky and Bubbles grappling in the front yard.]
I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um...I think Lucy was about 18 or something...
LucyI met Julian at a party when I was like 17 or whatever, and...I mean, it was--it was a long time ago, and...you know, nothing really happened.
Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and...I experienced memory loss and woke up, and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but, I don't know. I just got out of there.
[Ricky and Bubbles are still grappling in the front yard when Lucy walks up with Trinity]
Bubbles, just a second, please! Lucy! What are you doing here?
Lucy
I'm leaving Trinity with Julian. I need a little vacation.
What about her father? I can take care of my own daughter.
Lucy
Great! Trinity, why don't you get your stuff and go stay in the car with Daddy? Perfect!
What, the back seat of a car's not good enough for you now?
[Lucy appears with a lawyer to collect unpaid child support. The lawyer's face is censored.]
LLawyer
I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.
Lucy
This is the guy, right here. The guy in the tracksuit.
Lucy
He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.
LLawyer
Richard, hi. I've heard so much about you. [Hands Ricky some papers]
LLawyer
Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.
You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? [Hands the papers to Bubbles] A lot of big words there, man.
Three years child support payments you owe, Ricky.
Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies making up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father, am I, Trinity?
Lucy
Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, okay?
LLawyer
I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.
[Over megaphone] Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college reading and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be banging him!
So, Luce, can I ask you something?
Lucy
Yeah, what?
What's up with this lawsuit thing?
Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.
Lucy
I figure that a lawsuit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.
No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.
SSaleswoman
Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for Ricky. I have his encyclopedias.
Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!
SSaleswoman
Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.
What? For a bunch of fucking books?
SSaleswoman
Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...
Oh no, shh, shh, shh, no, no, no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fucking printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!
Is that all the money you got, Ricky?
Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.
Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?
[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the saleswoman]
Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissing time, man! Right on!
My God, Lucy, let's...let's get Trinity out of here right now.
Lucy
Ricky, you did the right thing.
Let's fucking get this over with, Lahey.
[unbuckles his belt] It would be my pleasure, Ricky.
Pucker up, boy! [pulls his pants down]
Make it a quick one, Ricky!
[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Jim a peck on the ass]
I can't believe he did that!
[Ricky spits]
I can't believe he did that! That's fuckin' gross, right?
Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!
Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.
Lucy
Ricky, get this cat outta here or I'm pressing charges. There are kids that live here, for God's sake. You know, children? Family?
I know what fuckin' kids are, Lucy. And I'm a hell of a lot better father than you'll ever fuckin' be.
Lucy
You have no idea how stupid you are, do you?
[Lucy and Sarah are helping Randy try on new pants]
Lucy
The navy's really good. I actually can't see your underwear for once.
Yeah, they look really good, Randy. They're a big improvement.
They're so comfortable. My other ones were so tight!
[Randy rocks from side to side, stretching in the new pants as Sarah checks a cuff]
Yeah, they're only one size bigger, too.
[Randy's gut hits Sarah in the face]
[from outside] Lucy, get the fuck out here and tell me what's going on! Nice pants, Randy! You still look fucking stupid! Lucy, I'm serious! Get out here and talk to me!
Lucy
Oh, Randy, are you okay?
Ah, sweet and sour chicken balls! I think I sprained it, Luce!
Lucy
Is it bad?
Lucy
Okay, well,, we'll put some...
Lucy
Okay, well...you know, we'll go back to my place and put some ice on this. You are going to be fine.
Lucy
It's not a problem. A couple hours max...
Lucy
Randy, enough with the cocks!
Trailer Park Boys · 180 quotes
