TV show quotes
[After the Brown Widow saves Dr. Venture from the runaway cab]
End of the line, sir. Please remember to take all your personal belongings and be sure to tip your driver. [Chuckle]
What, this is funny to you, I just almost got killed. Get the hell outta my way. I’m gonna miss the overture.
Fucking tourist.
Now, gentleman, before we start reviewing potential candidates, you need to keep one thing in mind: SPAWM.
That awful comic book!
Oh, and that movie? What was Martin Sheen thinking?
Not SPAWN, S-P-A-W-M.
[The Revenge Society are surprised to see Dr. Venture]
Great Scott, what is he doing here?
Well you're the one who was eavesdropping.
He mumbled something about industrial espionage, and then he kept taking about "annie get your gun". You think it’s some type of code?
He’s on to us!
You'er both being paranoid. Don’t you see what this is? Its opportunity knocking at our door. [Looks at Ünderbheit] Who disfigured you for life, and help Girl Hitler steal your throne? [Looks at Impossible] Who seduced your wife, then passed her off to his brother for sloppy seconds? I’ll tell you who. The very same cretin who allied with his own enemies to thwart me at Cremation Creek, and the battle for the ORB. Gentlemen, The Revenge Society just landed itself its first assignment, kill Dr. Venture!
What, like right now?
[grabbing Dean and Hank's hands] I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Nothing happens] Please?
Yeah, I'm not sure you had the right...key?
[Cut to Dr. Orpheus holding Dean's hand and a box]
I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Still nothing] Nope. Maybe I should...
Wait. Okay, try it with his old headshot, all the awards, the signed picture of Loni Anderson, all the money, the newspaper clippings, the shoebox of old love letters, but without the Rush cassette.
[removing the tape] Oh, here's your problem—it's a "best of."
And there's one more thing we haven't tried, [indicating Dean] and it's nothing personal, but...
[dejectedly stepping aside] I get it.
Okay, one more time. I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me!
[Orpheus successfully projects, leaving a still white figure]
I'm sure it was the Rush cassette, Dean.
Do you feel that?
Thank you, yes. And it hurts because I always say nice things about him. But he's always putting me down in front of the other guy...
No, that rumble. What is that rumble?
[Echo voice] Leviathan. He is why men murder. He is why men made war. The beast within us all. We are doomed.
Eerie, isn't he?
Oh crap, get outta the way.
[Zombie corpses of Hank & Dean walks by]
I hate those things. They're all over the place in here. They chew on stuff and get poop on everything.
They are his dead sons, forever haunting his subconscious mind.
[Echo voice] Leviathan draws near. Death is at hand. We cannot outrun the beast.
He gets that way around death. It's like he's in a Creed video. Why don't we go in one of these doors.
OK. Yeah that's cool.
I presume you are the Rusty's Ego?
You got it. And the little guy's Eros, the jerk who made the Rusty join Match.com.
He's got to at least try to get some loving.
And the one with the umbrella is Thanatos, the jerk who made the Rusty quit Match.com.
Hey, many of these women could be murderous gold diggers, or, at the very least, carriers of chlamydia.
Are you okay? Dr. O said probably insane now and that you'll never be the same.
Are you kidding? Okay, I'm just turning 16 and having a birthday pool party. My father invites every girl he knows, and I'm not talking about girls my age. No, not Jonas. He invites Playboy Bunnies and models and, I think, actual whores—you know, real prostitutes. So there I am in my giant bathing suit with nervous puberty oozing out of my gigantic pores. Just—just awful. So, the band suddenly stops playing and I hear "and now the man of the hour, Rusty Venture!" All eyes on me, right? Then suddenly, almost predictably, the Action Man shoots my groin with a shrink ray right as that fucking jackass Colonel Gentleman pulls my shorts down.
Wow. That's like a nightmare.
Oh, no! No! What I went through today was "like a nightmare." What happened when I was 16, that is my life.
I have a check here for $50,000 for whoever helps me rescue Billy from vampires.
We're not mercenaries, White. We handle the guys that nobody else wants to deal with.
Well, that's perfect, because nobody else wants to deal with me.
Yeah, you're not getting it. Hunter, why don't you explain what we do here at SPHINX.
SPHINX!
It works like this—if someone points a gun at you, you call the police. If a bunch of guys are pointing guns at you, you call SWAT. If they're in spandex and pointing a super laser at you, you call OSI. And if they're dressed regular and pointing a super laser at your daughter, that's when you call SPHINX.
SPHINX!
So explain to me why we'd give a squirt about your roomie being abducted by vampires.
We're talking about Billy here! You guys owe him. You did the...you know.
Spit it out, White! This is SPHINX!
SPHINX.
We have no secrets here. When men live and work together, it's imperative that there are no secrets. I miss my breasts! Inside of me, there's a woman screaming to be heard.
I hit a dog with my car last week, but told the owner I found him like that.
I once jerked off twelve times in one day just to see if I could.
I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night, and I'm straight as an arrow.
Remember that smell I told you was the garbage? That was my ass. I had chicken tandoori for lunch.
Let's SET SAIL! (long pause)
Well...what are we waiting for?
We have to SET the SAIL! Like you guy's have to help me put it up!
[regarding the ship] What do you call her?
I call her Manny's Song.
Who's Manny?
Me first love. She left me for a bloke named Craig, who just slept with her and tossed her away. Haven't seen her since then. I heard she was with some go-nowhere mechanic named Jay.
Sad. Does she know how you feel?
Um, no, she doesn't because that's all from a TV show. Captain Cuckoo here named his boat after Manny Santos on Degrassi.
You're a liar!
I can't believe they killed J.T.
I know! And they hardly talk about it, like after Terri bashed her skull on that rock.
Yeah, I'm the liar, me.
Where do you want us to bite you?
I don't want to be bitten. Can you just do the sucking part and not the biting part?
He's not my best friend. I just work with him.
And live with him and do everything with him. That's best friends.
Maybe. But I always thought of Rusty as my best friend.
What?! You know what, White. You are a starfucker. Yeah, you have the greatest friend in the world, and because he's not famous, you don't care. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Rusty and I went to school together. We were inseparable.
Starfucker.
[as Dr. Venture makes a call] Oh, man. This is just wrong, Rusty.
Did you have a date to your prom?
I was a boy genius. I was the only 12-year-old at my prom, so my date was my mother.
Mine was worse. My prom date was to have been Miss Linda Lovelace.
Deep Throat Linda Lovelace?
The same. She, of course, by that time was a vocal anti-pornography advocate—thanks, Dad—and sent her friend Andrea Dworkin as her proxy.
Was she hot?
Google "Andrea Dworkin" on an empty stomach one day. [Into phone] Oh, hello? Yes, I'd like six of your finest whores please. Fine, escorts. Yes, I think I'll go for full service. Sure, I'll hold. [To Billy] Anyway, because my dad brought, like, ten Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as his date, he didn't care that my date was a huge, angry, "way smarter than a 16-year-old me" woman who called me "little half man."
Better than having your mom as your date.
It got worse, no shit. I ended up slow-dancing with H.E.L.P.eR. H.E.L.P.eR. [Into phone] Yes? Oh, lord, no, that's way too expensive. Uh, what about half-service? What about just a good-night kiss? On the lips? Cheek? Just a hug? Okay, four of that, two at half-service. [Billy starts waving at him] Wait. [To Billy] WHAT?!
Just ask them! I'll pay extra.
[groans] Do you have costumes? ...Hawkwoman.
Girl!
Hawk...girl.
Whoa! Wait, you guys are the ones who kidnapped Monstroso?
SPHINX!
Aw, the Guild index is lit up over that guy. I can't believe you're holding him here.
Maybe we are, and maybe we're not.
Being clever?
No, tough guy, we're running a Monstroso shell game and we're not sure where the red queen is.
Decoys? Aw, man, we never do cool crap like that with the Monarch crew!
Uh, because you guys suck.
What the hell happened here?
That's none of your concern, Mister Gathers.
That's Colonel Gathers to you, suit!
Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I'm President Cardholder, and this is my associate, Emperor Doe.
GOD Emperor Doe!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
