Hank Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Brock

Hank!

Hank

I'm cool!

Brock

Okay. Try not to die! Go find your brother, we're leaving.

Brock

Doc, you’re OK.

I swallowed a gold filling during the crash, so we have to hook up the metal detector to the toilet again. What did we miss?

Hank

The guy from Labyrinth turned into a bird!

Hank

That’s your big problem? Your scared of two little babies?

Dude! Get back, they’ll see you.

Hank

You got me all worked up. You said they had claws!

Get back! Alright, I exaggerated it a little. Did you see what they did to #24? They’re like nasty swearing spider-monkeys with knives.

Hank

Holy smokes! That lady is wearing her birthday suit! I think they’re watching, no-no movies.

They’re not, they’re watching Nell. And that’s my DVD.

Hank

Dude! I think I just saw Shindler's Dingus.

Shhh...

Hank! Stop calling me pop! If these kids find out that their hero has had sex their heads will explode!

Hank

But I wanna show my new friend-

This isn't all about you, Hank. These kids wanna see Rusty Venture. Maybe when there's a cartoon called 'The Venture Brothers' it'll be different.

Dean

Hank, are you listening to me?

Hank

Actually, uh, can you keep it down? I'm trying to write a song for the girls.

Dean

Would you get with the program? We've got a mystery to solve!

Hank

Well then we should team up. With the girls!

Dean

We can't! They're ... they're suspects.

Hank

Then solve it tomorrow or something. Man, what's your hurry?

Dean

What's your slowy?! You've gone soft on me, Henry Allen So-Called-Venture! You used to be all 'Go Team Venture!' but now ... now you're all 'Go Team ... b- Boobies!'

Dr. Orpheus

It appears your father was engage in some sort of experiment, but why would he abandon it in such haste?

Hank

He gets bored pretty easy.

Dean

And rarely tidys his work area.

Hank

Hey do you think maybe, now I'm going out on a limb here, they went, down there?

Dr. Orpheus

You... you mean, you didn’t check?

Dean

Are you kidding? That’s like, the basement!

Hank

It’s super spooky down there!

Dr. Orpheus

Oh dear god.

Hank

Why else would we call magic guys to help us look!

Jefferson Twilight

Oh no, no no no! 16 years old!

You guys are sad. Why'd he decide to leave you here in the first place?

Hank

' Something about the conference having hot, desperate women.

Dean

And we had a bad run-in with the hot lava men of Tanga Island, so I can imagine how dangerous their women get when they're desperate!

Brock

Damn it Hank, if we get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you myself!

Hank

Na-ah, you don't have a license to kill anymore.

Hank

(glibly)...didn't work...

Brock

(irritated) I KNOW!

When I am your age in Paree, at night I would go up to, uh, on ze...ze rooftop? Eh? And I imagine zat I am ze Batman. So cool.

Hank

Well, when I was my age, I jumped off my roof in a Batman costume. I think. I might have just dreamt it.

Well, this is as far as I go. There's a rental car waiting for ya, quarter-mile south of here. Keys and a new I.D. in the glove box, Cochise. Good luck to ya, man.

Brock

Yeah, I uh... I only got one problem with that plan... Hank never called you! (draws out his knife and places it against the Cleaner's neck.)

[sitting on red convertible, wearing white sweats] I did. Figured even the mighty Brock Samson might have trouble fighting the entire OSI.

Brock

Molotov, I don't know why I'm surprised. How'd you find us?

You haven't exactly been discreet.

Brock

Oh, like that get-up is? Though, I gotta admit for a disguise, it's pretty good. Hardly recognized ya.

Wha-what dis... I'm off duty.

Brock

Haha. That's-That's how you dress when you're not catwomaning around?! I may have to rethink this whole relationship.

Hank

Who is that hood rat Brock's talking to? He can get any shorty he wants!

Hank

I'm telling you there's like a skunk ape out there or something.

Hank, sit down and pretend to be sane. Dean, what are you doing?

Dean

I can't feel my left arm. How old do you have to be to have a heart attack?

Hank

In regular years, or pansy years?

Dean

Whatever! Why!? Why can't I just have a normal life?

I had that dream once too.

Hank, where's your uniform?

Hank

I'm not wearing that clown-suit; and you are not the boss of me.

Au Contraire! I am Tony Danza to your spunky Alyssa Milano! I am full-on-Charles-in-charge of you! You are my unit.

Hank

(Smirking) "Unit".

And a Unit operates as one. We dress the same, we walk the same, we eat the same! You like pineapples and ham on your pizza?

Hank

Gross, no!

Well, you do now! Why? Because I do! Unit! Now put on your Venture blues before I tell you how much you love Country & Western music!

Let's see the half-mil.

This relic belonged to my father's father. It has been passed down to the first-born male in my family's line.

[removing the cover to reveal, in a mylar sheath, a Marvel comic book] What? It's a comic. A comic that has a price on it for ten cents.

A comic? That is Marvel #1!

Look, I wasn't born yesterday. There's no way that something featuring Ka-Zar the Great, and twelve pages of jungle adventure is worth half a million bucks.

That's in almost dead mint condition! That is CGC rated at 9.6! It's like a miracle!

Okay, why don't you go sell your magic beans to another superscientist with an illegal cloning facility. I'm done with this crap.

Hold on to this, look it up on the Internet. You will see what I tell you is completely true. And take this. [A small cooler]

What's this—the world's most valuable cooler?

It's cloning material. It's 24's finger. It still has the Blackbeard's diamond treasure ring I got him. You can keep that too, I guess. It's worth two low, low payments of $29.95.

[seeing Hank entering] Alright, get out of here. I don't want to tell my kids about this crap.

[passing Hank]] Sorry about the bad news, Highlander. Looks like you'll never see the Quickening.

Hank

Huh?

[handing Hank the comic book] If you're so excited about worthless garbage, you want this too?

Hank

Yeah, totally! [Takes the comic book out of the sheath, upon which the value and CGC rating begin decreasing] What? What's this crap? Where's Batman?