Hank Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Brock

I can cross "Stab Hitler to death" off my list of cool crap I thought I'd never get to do.

Hank

Brock?

Brock

Hey Hank. Killed Hitler.

Hank

Hey um, do you think maybe you could put in a good word for Batman for me?

GET OUT OF MY SANCTUM SOLARIUM.

[Laughs evilly] Time to pay the piper, Venture. Or in minutes my meca-pillar silky issue will destroy the only living proof you've actually had sex. That is, unless you give me $10 million!

What?! Since when do you arch for money?

Yeah, what are you doing?

Honey, how long have we been trying to kill this schmuck, 10, 20 years?

I don’t know, since Marky Mark had a Funky Bunch!

And it never works. You wanna know how to really hurt Venture?

Not really, but as a wife I try to be supportive, so.

We strike him in the pocket book. Ha-ha.

Yeah, speaking of which, how much did those meca-pillars set us back?

I dunno, a couple of mil. Anyway, it’s $10 million Venture. Tick-tock tick-tock.

Look I don’t have that type of cash lying around.

Dean

Daddy! [Meca-pillar gags him]

All right, you can have anything in my lab. Anything you see here, take your pick. Anything except for the positronic accelerator...

I don’t want any of your old crap. This isn't "Antiques Roadshow," dick. Its your money or their lives!

Hank

Yeah, quit being such a skin-flint and pay the piper-man.

Now don’t take sides with your arch-enemy!

Hank

Shut up, you're not the dad of me.

Hank! Don’t you sass your bodyguard.

Hank

He’s not my bodyguard.

Will you accept half for just Dean? You can keep Hank.

Your father doesn’t mean that Hank.

Oh don’t I? Do you know what Mr. Smart-Mouth called me as he stormed out this morning? A "honky!"

[Chuckle] Did you really?

Hank

Yeah.

I’m transmitting you the instruction for the drop-off now, I suggest you follow them. Or your boys will follow the rainbow bridge to Valhalla. [Laughs] That is not as dark as its sounds in my head, is it?

"Well hey there, slugger! Looks like you're gunning for my job!"

Hank

"Did my dad tell you to say that?"

"Uhh no."

Hank

"Then... are you psychic?"

"Hank, leave the man alone. Just because he's black doesn't mean he has the shining."

Do you dig this Tracy girl or what?

Dean

Well, she seems nice, and her hair is really pretty.

Well, talk to her, then. You don't have to nail her. Just see what happens. Man, way to be uptight.

Hank

Wait, did you just give good advice?

Dean

I gotta go check the temperature in Hell.

You can both blow me.

Hank

Hey, can I ask you something? You’re gay, right?

The Alchemist

Yeah!

Hank

What’s it looked like? I mean, is it real or is it all Frankenstein?

The Alchemist

Hank!

Hank

Your dingus. Does it look real?

The Alchemist

What is kid-crazy talking about?

Jefferson Twilight

He thinks you're transgender.

The Alchemist

Hank, it looks real because it is real. I’m gay. It doesn’t mean I was born a woman. I have a regular dingus, as you say.

Jefferson Twilight

Hank, aren’t you just a little ashamed of your ignorance?

The Alchemist

Like just a little?

Hank

Yeah, constantly.

Don't you have one of them fancy machines that can just look inside him, you know, like...with computers?

You mean an MRI.

Oh.

But he's right. We need to see inside Rusty's brain, and to do that, you know what we need?

Hank

An aeronaut! And an armored bear!

A submarine!

Hank

Also good.

Dean

We've got one—the X-3

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you— oh, geez! No! Come on, not that old cliche.

Cliche nothing! It is a classic!

Innerspace is not a classic!

That's, like, a great film!

Then why don't they make it on DVD, huh, fella?

They totally do. And, whatever—I was talking about Fantastic Voyage anyway!

No way! A thousand times no! I’m not letting those clowns shrink my 40 million dollar secretly funded nuclear submarine to go fight the fucking cavity creeps!

Hank

Then when our dad dies, are you guys prepare to adopt us?

No, but I'm considering a extremely late-term abortion! Samson! What part of secret underground headquarters does that square-head of yours fail to grasp?!

Brock

Look, they live next door, what am I supposed to do?

Wipe their pink little minds and send them back home, like I told you!

Brock

They discover us every other week. I can’t keep doing that, its starting to make them buggy. Listen to this. Dean, what day is today?

Dean

Sagittarius

Brock

Goooooood! Now Hank, what color is my tongue?

Hank

It’s kind of... Wednesday! Like a light Wednesday.

Way to go, Heidi! Samson's down by three with a minute left in the game, and you just cut the feed! What in God's name do you want?!

Hank

I want to join up with you guys!

Yeah? Well, my boot wants to join up with your ass, and I'm about to throw 'em a shotgun wedding!

Hank

Yeah. I feel like that Jewish guy who lost all his powers when they cut his hair off.

Brock

Uh, Samson?

Hank

Lenny Kravitz. It's not all about you, you know?

Brock

Yeah.

Hank

Oh yeah! I'm jealous that I don't get to go to New York dressed as the Jamaican flag to work for no pay.

Dean

It's an internship, Hank. They pay you with experience and an impressive resume.

Remember when your wife used to screw you without paperwork?

Dr. Orpheus

Oh nice language in front of the boy.

Hank

You hear alot in my line of work.

The Alchemist

Relax, I just wanna talk to you.

I didn't steal those games. They're defective, so they are just being thrown out.

The Alchemist

I'm not Mall Security.

So who are you?

Hank

He's works with me. He's The Alchemist, seeker of truth.

You're the super-hero guy and you're hanging out with Hank?

The Alchemist

Look, pudgy mac-talk-alot, I just got dumped by my lover who then tossed me out on my jobless ass, so I had to move in with my boring team member who lives in the burbs and doesn’t do squat. And I just told you too much, didn’t I?

Ugh dude, no shit.

So you've met Nikki? Nikki Fictel?

Hank

And how!

Yeah, she's a looker, that one. Gams straight up to heaven.

You remind me so much of him.

Hank

Ya daffy? Dean's just like my old man. I'm the black sheep of the Venture flock! I'm trouble!

No, I mean you're like Rusty from the cartoon. Your dad's a scared little has-been, but you are just like the real Rusty Venture. So cool. So fearless and powerful. But trapped in the body of a young man.

Hank

Sounds like you're trying to seduce me. And this old Shamus can smell it when a chippy's pulling a flim-flam. What are you hiding!?

Nothing! Well, I guess I'm hiding a huge crush on you.