Hank Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Brock

Hank, no! It's suicide!

Hank

Well then I'll see you in Heck! (runs screaming down hall)

(sarcastically) Thank goodness, Hank's going to save us all. (glances at Brock) Oh, what are you so worried about? I can make another one. Hey, maybe he'll surprise us! He does get that kind of retard strength when he's all worked up.

Dean

Wow, a girl president! How progressive!

Hank

And a Hitler! Boy, things are really looking up!

Dean

You should see a doctor! It smells like you pounded garbage into your butt!

Hank

Knock it off. We have a mystery in our bathroom. Query: Can flames come out of a toilet?

Dean

Hank, if you did this...

Hank

I didn't! Dude, if I did this, I would tell you! I would be, like, almost proud of this!

Hank

Dude, what is your damage?

Dean

I saw something! I think this place is... haunted!

Hank

Aw, you're just being superstitious.

Dean

I am not! Just extra-stitious.

Venture Brothers!

Dean

(screams)

You must help me! Colonel Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!

Dean

Hank! Wake up! It's the ghost of Abraham Lincoln!

Hank

(waking up) Who?

Microchip! Microchip! It's in the back of his head! His mother is using it to control him and she's going to make him assassinate the president!

Dean

It just sounds a little far-fetched.

Hank

Yeah, thank you, I'm glad you said it.

Didn't either of you see The Manchurian Candidate? Not even the remake with Denzel? Come on, I've been dead for seven score years and even I—

Hank

Who is this guy?

Abraham Lincoln! Sixteenth president of the United States! Come on, you're kidding me!

Dean

Yeah, didn't you learn anything in bed?

All right. All right, how 'bout this? I'm the five dollar bill guy.

Hank

You invented the five dollar bill?

Yes, Hank. (shaking his head in resignation) Yes, I did. Dean, you seem to be a little more on the ball here. Help me stop Manstrong.

Dean

Why do you need us?

Because I'm immaterial. Look at this. (Passes arm through Hank and Dean.) It's a no go! I need to possess one of your bodies. Just for a little while. Until I can stop him. Will one of you do that for me? For the Union?

Hank

Not it!

Dean

Not it!

Hank

OnetwothreefourfivesixseveneightninetenJINX! You owe me a coke!

Dean

Aww.

Hank

Eww!

Hank

Dude, what the dilly?!

Dean

Did it work? What happened?

Hank

Honest Abe's a 'mo, that's what happened.

Sorry! Sorry. I don't know what came over me. It was just a bit overwhelming to have a body again. All those hormones. Whoo! (Stands up.) Right. Just let me try this again. I'm ready for it this time. (Begins to step into Dean.) Who's Triana, by the way?

Dean

Ah! Just get in!

Hank

And no funny business!

Yes already! Like you boys never experimented.

Hank

Dean!

What are you trying to do there, Dean?

Hank

We're helping our new ghost pal!

Heh! Now ain't that somethin'? I wish my boy had that kinda creativity!

Dean

Col. Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!

Hank

It's not really his fault though. His mom's controlling him!

Don't give me that psycho-babble, son! After a certain age, a man needs to take responsibility for his own actions!

Dean

Um... Okay.

Sure, maybe if I hugged my thick-headed son more he wouldn't have started them fires or stolen all that lacrosse equipment, but dammit! Sometimes they're just bad apples!!

(knocks over a tiny statue of himself) Damnation! Forcefield, I didn't see that one coming! Sorry, Dean. Okay, okay! New plan...

Hank

(points at statue) Well, you just KO'd Uncle Sam! Why can't you just do that to an astronaut and his mom?

That's not Uncle Sam, it's me! Wouldn't lay a glove on it if it weren't. I can only move things in the material world that bear my image. Wait! That penny in your pocket, Dean! I was able to get that through the forcefield! That's it!

Hank

We build a gun made out of pennies!

Exactly! Wait, no, that's insane! But I have another idea! Boys, I need five dollar bills. Scores of them, 10 score at least!

Dean

How are we gonna find that many.

Hank

How, how. What are you, an owl? He can make it with his magic!

For the last time, Hank, I'm a ghost, not a genie. You two must find a way!

Hank

Wait, does it matter if it's the new fives or the old ones.

I... prefer the new ones? But, whatever! Go! Go!!

Myra Brandish

Oh, you're up! You can relax. The nightmare's finally over!

Hank

Um... no it isn't.

Hank

So is she or isn't she?

Brock

OK, Hank, look! She used to be Power Cat on American Gladiators. Show gets tanked, she checks herself into the nuthouse. Every couple of years, she puts on the old costume, kidnaps you, or tries to kill your dad or burns down the compound. Depends on what meds she's coming off of.

Dean

How come we don't remember her then?

Brock

Look. You don't remember because you're cl--

Hank

I can't help feeling like we're not getting the whole story.

Dean

Right! Maybe she was telling the truth.

All right! So I fucked her! What of it?

Dean

Why do we have to eat breakfast with your dead guy?

Venturestein's been through a lot, Dean.

Hank

Venturestein!

You like that?

Hank

Sure do, Pop!

Good boy, Hank. Dean, right now Hank is better than you.

Hank

Hey Pop, why's the top of that guy's head black?

Not black, Hank! African American. The top of that guy's head is African American.

Dean

Dad, why's the top of this guy's head African American?

Because Brock caved in his original cranium and I had to use whatever fits.

Brock

Why's he gotta cry like that?

Hank

I think you scare him.

Brock

Well, I'm not the one who froze his corpse or nuked him back from the Great Beyond to be a half-dead short bus seat warmer.

But you did kill him. And then when I unkilled him you kind of did it again.

Hank

You hit him so hard he has an afro now!

Hank Venture

Why would you do this?

What, be a henchman?

Hank

Yeah. Retardo costume, some skinny guy yelling at you all the time.

Dude, are you describing me or you?

Hank

I don’t wear a costume.

What, are you drunk? Where do you even buy a baby-blue kerchief? Heh - I just said “kerchief. Dude! What, does your dad use his time machine to go shopping?