Brock Samson quotes from The Venture Bros.

Brock

(to Doc) I'll only be a minute. Will you just wait out in the X-1 with the boys?

You came in the plane? You call parking a supersonic jet in front of a titty-bar inconspicuous?! Who taught you to be a spy, fucking Gallagher!?!

Brock

I'm gonna need some wheels.

(climbing onto the table and thrusting his crotch in Brock's face) You can take mine. But you are not gonna like looking for the keys!

Brock

Damn it Hank, if we get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you myself!

Hank

Na-ah, you don't have a license to kill anymore.

Hank

(glibly)...didn't work...

Brock

(irritated) I KNOW!

This sword was forged by Ikkansai Shigetsugu, master swordsmith of the Nihonto Tanren Denshunsho.

Brock

Oh, man, shut up already. Why do you sword guys always gotta talk about how cool your swords are?

Well, this is as far as I go. There's a rental car waiting for ya, quarter-mile south of here. Keys and a new I.D. in the glove box, Cochise. Good luck to ya, man.

Brock

Yeah, I uh... I only got one problem with that plan... Hank never called you! (draws out his knife and places it against the Cleaner's neck.)

[sitting on red convertible, wearing white sweats] I did. Figured even the mighty Brock Samson might have trouble fighting the entire OSI.

Brock

Molotov, I don't know why I'm surprised. How'd you find us?

You haven't exactly been discreet.

Brock

Oh, like that get-up is? Though, I gotta admit for a disguise, it's pretty good. Hardly recognized ya.

Wha-what dis... I'm off duty.

Brock

Haha. That's-That's how you dress when you're not catwomaning around?! I may have to rethink this whole relationship.

Hank

Who is that hood rat Brock's talking to? He can get any shorty he wants!

(upon discovering O.S.I. agents) Guh! Who the hell are those guys?!

They're henchmen for the Monarch, sir.

What the hell's a monarch?

Low-level Guild troublemaker. Used to arch Dr. Venture.

Then he arched Dr. Venture.

Brock

(over the comm) Aww come on, general. Is that any way to treat my friends?

Those clowns are with you? What in the hell is going on here, Samson?!

Brock

Oh, just trying to even the playing field, sir. (switches off)

Looks like Samson's gone over to the Guild, sir.

Uhh, want me to give the order to take out the big cocoon?

Is that what that thing is? Jeepers, crappers! No! If Samson pulled a full-on Judas, there's no tellin' what kind of trade secrets he might have given up! I want him alive. Ground forces!!

Henchmen!!

Form battle squadrons and prepare for full assault on my order!

[upon seeing H.E.L.P.eR's head embedded in Brock's chest] What made you change your mind?

Brock

Huh?

I put in a lot of those this year. Ever since the Iron Man, everybody wants the robot hearts.

Brock

Yeah, well theirs probably don't talk this much.

How come all of a sudden you trust me now? What's to stop me from killing you when you're under?

Brock

Him.

Brock

I can cross "Stab Hitler to death" off my list of cool crap I thought I'd never get to do.

Hank

Brock?

Brock

Hey Hank. Killed Hitler.

Damn it Shore Leave, you’ve ruined another outfit. Think Betsy Ross works here? I’m the one who has to sew this back together, you clown.

What are you laughing at, Mr. Blood stains on everything?

Brock

You know that he rips those himself. He just tears it off like a Chippendales firemen, every time.

Good god, why?

For one, because it looks super-cool.

You’re an infant.

Brock Samson, at last we meet.

Brock

Do I know you?

Don’t pull that shit with me. [#21 displays his fighting acrobatics] I don’t know why you're here and I don’t care. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a year.

Brock

Boo!

Brock

Ah, very nice. Somebody's been training.

This is like Christmas, my first BMX bike and meeting the cast of Firefly all-in-one. Let’s go. Come on Samson, bring it.

Brock

OK tubbs, let see what else you got.

Brock

You didn’t think I was gonna take it easy on you, did ya?

I was fucking praying you wouldn’t. You gotta bring it. BRING IT!

No way! A thousand times no! I’m not letting those clowns shrink my 40 million dollar secretly funded nuclear submarine to go fight the fucking cavity creeps!

Hank

Then when our dad dies, are you guys prepare to adopt us?

No, but I'm considering a extremely late-term abortion! Samson! What part of secret underground headquarters does that square-head of yours fail to grasp?!

Brock

Look, they live next door, what am I supposed to do?

Wipe their pink little minds and send them back home, like I told you!

Brock

They discover us every other week. I can’t keep doing that, its starting to make them buggy. Listen to this. Dean, what day is today?

Dean

Sagittarius

Brock

Goooooood! Now Hank, what color is my tongue?

Hank

It’s kind of... Wednesday! Like a light Wednesday.

Hank

Yeah. I feel like that Jewish guy who lost all his powers when they cut his hair off.

Brock

Uh, Samson?

Hank

Lenny Kravitz. It's not all about you, you know?

Brock

Yeah.

It's downright unreasonable. I could pole-dance better than half those women. Good lord, son, there should be a mandatory retirement age for strippers.

Brock

Did you see I got cornered by Robin last night? I almost had to chew off my own arm to get away.

Ohh, that poor woman has the saddest tits. Damn depressing.

Brock

Right? Yeah, they're like The Notebook sad.

Her tits are like "coming home from school and finding out that your old man ran over your cat" sad.

Brock

Mournful. She has mournful tits. They're like two suicide notes stuffed in a glitter bra.

Those things are like a little kid with progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a Nerf ball—just sad. Damn it, she has gloomy tits!

Brock

It's like she put a dollar's worth of change into some old socks and then taped them to her chest.

I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, dignified funeral.

Brock

Let’s go Shore Leave, boys night out. You coming?

Boys night out, I wish. You guys are gonna go to that strip club again.

You make that wholesome place sound dirty, you bastard. Are you coming or not?

Hmm, ahh... I’m feeling kind of, kind of gay. Wait... no. No it’s definitely... I’m definitely still gay.