Brock Samson quotes from The Venture Bros.

Brock

What the fuck are you looking at?

I’m Tigershark. I represent The Peril Partnership.

Brock

So what! The Peril Partnership is in like, Canada. How would I even know you?

Toronto! You broke my knees after I found you in bed with my wife.

Brock

[Laughs] Yeah, you had a little striped suit on. Hey I’m sorry brush, she told me that you were...

Gonna kill you.

Dr. Orpheus

[grabbing Dean and Hank's hands] I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Nothing happens] Please?

Brock

Yeah, I'm not sure you had the right...key?

Dr. Orpheus

I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Still nothing] Nope. Maybe I should...

Wait. Okay, try it with his old headshot, all the awards, the signed picture of Loni Anderson, all the money, the newspaper clippings, the shoebox of old love letters, but without the Rush cassette.

Brock

[removing the tape] Oh, here's your problem—it's a "best of."

And there's one more thing we haven't tried, [indicating Dean] and it's nothing personal, but...

Dean

[dejectedly stepping aside] I get it.

Dr. Orpheus

Okay, one more time. I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me!

Brock

I'm sure it was the Rush cassette, Dean.

I have a check here for $50,000 for whoever helps me rescue Billy from vampires.

Brock

We're not mercenaries, White. We handle the guys that nobody else wants to deal with.

Well, that's perfect, because nobody else wants to deal with me.

Brock

Yeah, you're not getting it. Hunter, why don't you explain what we do here at SPHINX.

SPHINX!

It works like this—if someone points a gun at you, you call the police. If a bunch of guys are pointing guns at you, you call SWAT. If they're in spandex and pointing a super laser at you, you call OSI. And if they're dressed regular and pointing a super laser at your daughter, that's when you call SPHINX.

SPHINX!

So explain to me why we'd give a squirt about your roomie being abducted by vampires.

We're talking about Billy here! You guys owe him. You did the...you know.

Spit it out, White! This is SPHINX!

SPHINX.

We have no secrets here. When men live and work together, it's imperative that there are no secrets. I miss my breasts! Inside of me, there's a woman screaming to be heard.

I hit a dog with my car last week, but told the owner I found him like that.

Brock

I once jerked off twelve times in one day just to see if I could.

I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night, and I'm straight as an arrow.

Remember that smell I told you was the garbage? That was my ass. I had chicken tandoori for lunch.

Let's SET SAIL! (long pause)

Brock

Well...what are we waiting for?

We have to SET the SAIL! Like you guy's have to help me put it up!

[regarding the ship] What do you call her?

I call her Manny's Song.

Brock

Who's Manny?

Me first love. She left me for a bloke named Craig, who just slept with her and tossed her away. Haven't seen her since then. I heard she was with some go-nowhere mechanic named Jay.

Brock

Sad. Does she know how you feel?

Um, no, she doesn't because that's all from a TV show. Captain Cuckoo here named his boat after Manny Santos on Degrassi.

You're a liar!

I can't believe they killed J.T.

I know! And they hardly talk about it, like after Terri bashed her skull on that rock.

Yeah, I'm the liar, me.

I'm gonna give you a Rusty Venture.

Brock

Don't believe the hype. A Rusty Venture is the name for when you jerk off so much, your dick gets all red and sore.

Really?

Brock

Yeah, but I'll...let you give me an Action Johnny.

Brock

I'll take care of this. This has been a long time coming. Me and her got to get something straight between us.

Alchemist

[to Shore Leave as Brock runs after Molotov] You think he even knows how many double entendres that was?

Brock

Well well well, here we are again. How long are we gonna keep doing this Mol, till we’re old and gray, huh? Every year we pretend to try to kill each other. You know neither of us actually do it.

Speak for yourself, Samson. [Reaches for her gun]

Brock

[Has the gun] Oh, looking for this?

Hmm, we seemed to be, as you say, stalemate.

Brock

Not from where I’m sitting. Ah, give it up Mol. You got nowhere to go but down, and you know why? Because you are a bad person. You don’t know the first thing about duty or honor, or friendship, your just a cold-hearted mercenary BITCH. I’m tired spending my life chasing you.

What if I told you it wasn’t for money this time. What if I told you that I've... changed! [Remove her chastity belt]

Brock

What, for real’s, or is this another one of your tricks?

No Samson, it is the real thing.

Nyet!

Brock

What! OH FOR GOD... COME ON, YOU SAID YOU’VE CHANGED!

You misunderstand, Samson. I am, how you say, taken.

Brock

What, by who?

Brock

HIM! OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!

It is like you say, “I’m a bad person”, and so is he. He is also rich, powerful and quite well endowed.

Brock

ARGH, alright, enough.

Okay...I wasn't prepared for this, but...freeze! This is SPHINX!

Brock

(from under his costume) Gary!? What are you doing, you idiot?

(removing his mask) I swear I'm going to reach down your throat, rip out your heart and eat it!

Shore Leave? You're part of Long Division?

Yeah, that's it. Brilliant conclusion...

Brock

We're undercover, moron. We were undercover...

We've been wearing these smelly-ass sweat-soaked masks for a week for nothing.

Brock

Nice move, Chubs. The kid's dead. So's Tom.

You killed an eight-year-old boy with the corpse of the only person who knew where Long Division's secret base was. Argh! That's so raven!

Brock

Gary, you better shoot me or somethin', 'cause I'm about to kill you.

I was being a good guy! And you left me S.P.H.I.N.X! What did you expect me to do?

Honestly, use the hot tub a couple of times. Not run around like a lone wolf fighting crime. That WE are already fighting!

Brock

(taking a crossbow away from Gary) This my crossbow?

Aw, c'mon! It makes me feel like a wookie.

Brock

No. This is my crossbow.