Scenes with Hugh Abbot 54
Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone.
HughWhat?
Hugh
What do you mean "gone?"
Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry.
Hugh
(very happy) NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE!
(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)
(to Hugh) Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile.
Hugh
(much more sympathetic) I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)
Hugh
(looking at Ollie's cell phone) Is this yours? Is this new?
Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10.
Hugh
It's got a camera on it?
Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back.
Hugh
(to Glenn) Happy slap him. Go on.
(to Hugh) How do you know about happy slapping? How do you begin to know about...
(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)
Hugh
(to Glenn) Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again?
(to Hugh) That's assault.
(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)
(to Glenn) Get off, will you?
Hugh
(to Ollie) No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures.
(to Ollie) I really like this!
(to Glenn) I'll punch you in your substantial gut.
(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)
(to Robyn) Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker!
(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)
(to Hugh) We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by.
(Glenn takes the pic.)
(to Hugh) Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit.
Yeah, then you'll both be out.
Hugh
Giving head to the Policy Unit.
(to Hugh) Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now?
Hugh
Yeah.
We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay?
(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)
Hugh
That was funny.
Hugh
Yeah.
I don't think it was funny.
Hugh
I'm an elected representative of the people.
Hugh
It was funny.
(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)
I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers.
Hugh
Regional news?
Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that...
Hugh
Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)
Hugh
Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello.
(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)
Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?
Hugh
I'm sorry?
Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?
Hugh
That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you.
But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss?
Hugh
I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this.
Hugh
Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you...
(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)
Hugh
What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)
But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
Hugh
Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it.
You'll get someone to note my case?! Nobody's noted my case!
(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)
STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
Hugh
(stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts.
The minister would love to know the facts.
There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two!
(to Hugh, quietly) Give her a smile...
(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)
WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING!
(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)
Hugh
Glenn? Is she still saying it?
Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment?
(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)
Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
Hugh
Great shots?
The thing is: Don't panic.
(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)
...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS!
(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please!
(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)
Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up.
Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that?
Hugh
Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?
Hugh
God, I hate this place.
(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)
Hugh
Have you, though?
Hugh
Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss?
No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know.
Hugh
Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss?
No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship.
Hugh
No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss?
(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)
All right, folks, here we go.
(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)
NANews Announcer
Tonight, dramatic pictures...
(The newsroom office cheers.)
NANews Announcer
...of voter anger over the NHS.
(happily) Anything other than Number One spot is a big win.
NANews Announcer
...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.
(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?
(quite amused) Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! (to Ollie) Hey, good photo.
Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
Hugh
What fantastic landscaping...
(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)
(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)
Who do you think looked worse? You or me?
Hugh
Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really.
(quiet, but annoyed) Great.
(Glenn's cell phone rings.)
(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)
I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. (Glenn's cell phone rings again.) They are all over me like shingles!
(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)
Hugh
It'll be OK.
Hugh
Yeah, it'll probably be fine.
(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)
Hugh
(in a voicemail) Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very Malc-iavellian, if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
(in a voicemail) Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you.
(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")
Hugh
(on his cell phone) No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye.
(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)
Hugh
(to Robyn) Good morning.
(cheekily smiling) Morning, Minister.
Hugh
Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm?
Hugh
First one?
Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit.
Hugh
"The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm."
Hugh
Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...
Hugh
A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out.
Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic.
Hugh
Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah.
Hugh
(reassuring Robyn) No no no, it's just a figure of speech.
(looking at his cell phone) I'm sure there's a way of...
Hugh
(chasing after Robyn) Robyn!
(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)
Hugh
(whispering to Robyn) Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle?
I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.
Hugh
Yeah, God, don't be late!
Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.
(entering the scene) If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears.
(Robyn leaves)
Hugh
(to Glenn) Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.
Hugh
Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?
That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –
(chuckling) You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.
Hugh
Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.
I have not gone red. (points to his folder) That's red.
Hugh
Look, he can hardly walk properly.
(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)
Hugh
I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – (pulls a slightly disgusted face)
Well what does that mean?
Hugh
Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary". And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, "What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling."
(Discussing Julius Nicholson)
Hugh
Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
Hugh
What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
(Julius walks in)
I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, (having already noticed Julius) but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
Glenn (entering): Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?
Hugh
Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...
Hugh
You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.
Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?
Hugh
Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.Malcolm (on the phone): He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.Hugh: Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.
It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.
Hugh
Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.
So you – you've got your own bash here?
Hugh
Uh yeah.
Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?
Hugh
Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
