It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.
Well, my guts still say no.
Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.
HughMalcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –
Hugh
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.
Hugh
No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.
Hugh
I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.
Hugh
I have so much stuff to read and think about.
Hugh
How fucked am I?
Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
Hugh
I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
Hugh
Out of what?
Hugh
Right, [to Glenn] so I'm 24% fucked according to you, [to Ollie] but according to you I'm 120% fucked?
[But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.]
[to Terri] Terri, have you got anything for us?
Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic.
Hugh
Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living?
This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...
[Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.]
All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon.
[to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.
It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back.
[The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.]
At times of stress, I make jokes!
[Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.]
Hugh
[to Malcolm] Right, um...What do I do?
Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now.
[Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching a recording of The Bill. Hugh is almost dozing off, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!]
Hugh
Oh, shit.
Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000.
Hugh
Oh, shit.
Hugh
She's an actress.
Hugh
Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress.
Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group."
[Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...]
Hugh
Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just...
Hugh
If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec.
[Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.]
Hugh
Glenn?
Hugh
I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?
What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?
Hugh
She's an actress.
Hugh
Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.
Hugh
I've just seen her, she's in The fucking Bill!
Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.
Hugh
Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home Middle England housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –
[Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.]
What, who said what wasn't what?
Hugh
[whispering to Terri] We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're not ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!
[Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.]
[on the phone]' Can I get back to you?
Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!
Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –
Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!
Hugh
[whispering] We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone!
[to Ollie] Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once?
[Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.]
Hugh
[still whispering] Shit! Shit!
[Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.]
I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in Midsomer Murders.
Why didn't you say anything?
I saw her in Midsomer Murders. I thought she might've had a twin or something.
What a stupid thing to...
[While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.]
Hugh
Fuck! Fuck!
[But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.]
Hugh
Yes.
Come out of the cupboard, Hugh.
Hugh
No.
[Malcolm enters the cupboard.]
Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group –
Hugh
Yeah.
– you said 'she' loved it.
Hugh
We gave her a one-on-one.
Hugh
She's Middle England.
So Middle England is a big fucking field, with one woman standing in it?
Hugh
Do you think Hewitt will find out?
OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW!
[Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.]
[to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh] We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way we want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!
[Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.]
Hugh
I didn't know that she's an actress!
No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse!
[holding the phone] Ollie?
[Malcolm re-enters the picture.]
[to Hugh] How could I know you are a broken vase?
Hugh
What the fuck are you talking about?
Hugh
How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape!
[Hugh comes up with a plan...]
Hugh
Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine.
Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen.
[Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.]
[to Mary] Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow?
Hugh
Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –
Hugh
No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –
You know that film Notting Hill, have you seen that?
She's probably fucking in it.
You know that bit where the guy opens the door –
– and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.
Hugh [trying to comfort Mary]: It's OK, it's OK.
No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the stocks!
I still don't really understand what's going on.
We can hold those dogs back, right?
We can get you a nice journalist, yeah?
We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...
Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to.
I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist.
You spoke to Simon Hewitt.
You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him.
[getting mad] I'd like to go now!
[Now, ALL the guys are shouting!]
Did you speak to Simon Hewitt?
Hugh
You didn't speak to him.
She didn't fucking speak to him.
[The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.]
I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.
[Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.]
She doesn't even know! [to Malcolm] Malcolm...Fuck's sake!
[talking about Malcolm] What's the matter with him?
Ollie. [Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.]
Hugh
[to Mary] Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you.
[trying to apologize to Mary] Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...
[Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.]
Hugh
That didn't really work, did it?
Hugh
[confused and stunned] So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity...
Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?
Hugh
No. It's too late.
You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?
Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed.
Hugh
Kind of ironic, really...
You're fucking on your own! [Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.]
Hugh
...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn.
Hugh
So what time does this Daily Mail hack get here?
Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?
Hugh
So she left the Standard?
That's right, absolutely.
Hugh
Go on then: ask me some questions.
Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.
Hugh
My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –
Hugh
Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?
Hugh
On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who deserve a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
[both start giggling]
Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!
Hugh
It's a piece of piss.
Hugh
Go on, ask me something hard.
Where's the Nazi gold, you donkey-shagger?
Hugh
I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –
[Hugh is still talking to Angela.]
Hugh
No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...[Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl'] Just mucking about...Um...
Hugh
I have always maintained very clearly...
[opening the door] Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment?
Hugh
Sure. Sorry, be right back with you.
[Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...]
[to Hugh] They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!
[While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the "Goldfish Bowl." She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies]
Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee?
Um, would you like some tea?
Do let me know if you need anything else.
I will. Thanks very much.
[to Hugh] GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP!
[Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.]
Hugh
What is happening?
Hugh
What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview.
[to Hugh] What on Earth did you say to her?
Hugh
I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so.
[to Hugh] You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...
Hugh
Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any.
What did you say about the offers?
Hugh
[stammering] I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers.
Hugh
Hmm?
Did you mention me by name?
Hugh
[still stammering] Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes.
[displeased] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch!
[Terri enters the office.]
OK, so what's the line on this then?
Hugh
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this?
[to Hugh, still upset] I don't know! Don't look at me!
Hugh
But we need to have a line on this.
[Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.]
OK, we've got movement, we got a break.
Hugh
[in disbelief] WHAT?
To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.
Hugh
WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
All the papers have got a hold of it. The Express has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more.
Hugh
This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody!
[on her cell phone] Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate."
Hugh
Scandal?!
[whispering to Terri] Flatgate?!
Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal.
They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate."
Hugh
Can we at least stop calling it a scandal?
[to Terri, unamused] Are you joking? Are you joking now?
[leaving the office] On my way to stall.
[A moment of silence...and then...]
Hugh
Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
That is an option, isn't it?
[The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about "Flatgate."]
Hugh
It's a flat!
It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake?
Hugh
It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks.
Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is burying the whole thing!
Hugh
Well, what do you want me to do? Resign? [Malcolm stares at him] No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.
The way out of this situation is for you to –
Hugh
This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister is disgusting defecation outburst". Mollie Sugden at Number 10: "Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!
It is possible to have a good resignation, you know!
Hugh
"A good resignation"?! Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell this to me!
Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go", you surprise them! "Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, huh?! What a way to go, yeah?!
(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)
Terri, is, uh -- (Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.) Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...
(smiling) Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman!
Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster?
(pretending to be seductive) Hey, Horatio! (beat) How's it hanging?
Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey?
What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...
(beside himself) Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day.
Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...
Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers?
It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...
Oh, Terri. Did you not know?
(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)
Hugh
(to Ollie) Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
