Hugh Abbot quotes from The Thick Of It

Hugh

Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag!

Glenn

Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!

Hugh

Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out from the fucking press that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?

Malcolm

Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right?

Glenn

Yep.

Malcolm

Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?

Hugh

Quite possibly.

Malcolm

He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze your department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.

Hugh

Circle jerk? What?

Ollie

It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. (to Malcolm) Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?

Hugh

Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this.

Glenn

You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work.

Hugh

But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it?

Glenn

Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders.

Hugh

Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard?

Glenn

No. Right. Yeah.

Hugh

Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it?

Ollie

(to Hugh and Glenn) Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision?

Hugh

Bollockvision?

Ollie

Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.

Hugh

Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.

Glenn

Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.

Hugh

Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.

Hugh

Oh. How's your sister coping?

Glenn

So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails?

Hugh

Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.

Ollie

See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door.

Hugh

So what are we getting?

Ollie

Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about.

Glenn

And what to do with the Isle of Man.

Hugh

(annoyed) Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job.

Hugh

Where did that come from?

Ollie

Oh, Malcolm sent that.

Hugh

It's far too big. Why-why did he send it?

Ollie

Uh, office warming present.

Hugh

So why did he send us a present?

Ollie

I don't know.

Hugh

Has Security checked this?

Ollie

What for? Tiny little terrorists?

Hugh

Yes.

Ollie

(annoyed) It's a plant! Yes?!

Hugh

(moving on) Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.

Glenn

New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing?

Hugh

Yeah.

Ollie

Making special needs kids clean up graffiti?

Hugh

(displeased) Yeah, that's just very mean.

Ollie

Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean.

Glenn

(to Hugh, calmly but not happily) I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.

Ollie

Okay.

Hugh

You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.

Ollie

Why?

Hugh

Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.

Ollie

Oh.

Hugh

Yep.

Ollie

...Glenn's had sex?

Hugh

God, you're such a prick, Ollie.

Ollie

It's just a joke!

Hugh

There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!

Ollie

Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. (smiles smugly) Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.

Malcolm

So did you enjoy the show?

Glenn

(to Malcolm, jokingly) You were magnificent, darling.

Hugh

(to Malcolm) Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?

Malcolm

(to Hugh) No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on?

Hugh

Well...

Malcolm

No. This is my bollocking face?

Hugh

Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.

Malcolm

Did I send that?

Hugh

As an office warming present.

Malcolm

Christ, she's a great P.A., isn't she, Sam?

Hugh

Yeah.

Malcolm

She always remembers the little people. (looking at the plant) Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. (back to Glenn and Hugh) So what do you think of the new building, eh?

Hugh

Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed.

Glenn

Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window.

Terri

(on the phone, calling out to Glenn) Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief.

Malcolm

(to Terri) How much, love?

Terri

Sorry?

Glenn

Okay, I'm on it.

Hugh

(to Glenn) I'll catch you later.

Malcolm

(to Hugh, smiling) I like your tan, by the way.

Hugh

Thank you.

Malcolm

Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?

Hugh

I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend.

Malcolm

Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend.

Hugh

You're not really my friend.

Malcolm

So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...

Hugh

Yep.

Malcolm

You don't think it's so super, do you?

Hugh

You're doing it now.

Malcolm

(unflinching) What?

Hugh

That's your bollocking face.

Malcolm

You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids.

Hugh

R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...

Malcolm

The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?

Hugh

What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea!

Malcolm

Yeah, but I've got an expert who will deny that.

Hugh

And SEN parents want the special schools kept open.

Malcolm

Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that.

Hugh

Who is your expert?

Malcolm

I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah?

Hugh

(reluctantly) OK.

Hugh

But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children.

When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given.

Glenn

(wearily) Inclusion is an illusion.

Hugh

Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...

You spoke to Mark Ryan?

Hugh

Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...

(mockingly) OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan?

Hugh

Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan?

In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given.

Hugh

Is it?

Glenn

(responding to the alert) Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important.

Hugh

Is our-Is our e-mail up and running?

Glenn

No. No, no, this is my hotmail.

Hugh

(to Roy Smedley) Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...

(to Glenn) We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen?

Glenn

Indeed.

So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...

Glenn

Sorry?

...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools.

Glenn

The minister won't be a moment.

Terri

Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?

Hugh

Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that mustn't happen! You've got – I need you, to –

Terri

What, to lie?

Hugh

I think it was Derrida who said there is no such thing as actual empirical truth, but only –

Terri

Yeah, I'll tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'

Hugh

You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.

Terri

(finally opening the door) I can't even get out the fucking room! (storms out)

Ollie

How was that?

Hugh

I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?

Ollie

Malcolm in the Middle.

Hugh

What?

Ollie

It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.

Hugh

Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.

Glenn

Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.

Hugh

Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.

Glenn

It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.

Hugh

Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.

Hugh

Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?

Malcolm

I'm a shape-shifter.

Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before?

Hugh

No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.

Malcolm

Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.

Hugh

What?

Malcolm

Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.

Malcolm

(to Terri) God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say, "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.

Hugh

First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of Footballers' Wives.

Glenn

How do you know about Footballers' Wives?

Hugh

Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.