Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[talking to his football team] Good practice team. Ok, its time for the easiest part of any coach's job-the cut. Now, while I wasn't able to cut everybody I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.

Homer

Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me, I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Homer

[offscreen] Scully, you're cut. Eh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry, cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut, so is Judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer, O'Brien, Doyle, Selman. I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge, Kuwarahara. There's so many cuts here. Look, I just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy, you're cut - all of you. He's cut, I cut you.

Homer

[scoffs] Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts schmacts.

Homer

Trying is the first step toward failure.

Homer

Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness!

Homer

Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's going on?

Homer

I always say: a boy can learn more at an airport then he can at any school.

Homer

Homer no function beer well without.

Homer

I've learned that he's not using our money to build a spaceship. [starts opening the barn] He's using our money to [Looks inside and sees a flying saucer] build one hell of a spaceship.

Homer

[phoning in sick to work] Can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers; I have smallpox. Well it wasn't wiped out in my house!

Homer

Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

Homer

Don't give up Moe. The girl of your dreams has gotta be in some bar.

Homer

[scooting a cart of books to Moe's Tavern with his right leg] Must kill Moe. [holds onto the cart, riding along happily] WHEEE!!! [goes back to scooting] Must kill Moe. [holds again] WHEEE!!!

Homer

No way, man! My hair is who I am! [the barbers shave Homer anyway. Outside, Barney, Moe and others hold their shaven hair while Homer has the two strands that are left of his hair] Ow, I'm a freak!