When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
S3 E4Grief Counseling
S3 E5Initiation
Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
I don't think you know what you're saying.
What time is it there?
What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.
Uh, oh, yeah, right.
How far away did you think we were?
I don't know. It felt far.
...Yeah.
S3 E6Diwali
And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?
I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.
Oh, that's what they call it!
This is the best meeting that we have ever had.
KKaren
Andy! No a cappella!
S3 E7Branch Closing
It is an outrage, that's all. They're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.
I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.
I don't have a lot of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes... from himself... from the future.
[reading fax] "Dwight, at 8:00 AM today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions to follow. Cordially, future Dwight." [seeing Stanley with coffee] NOOOOOOO! [knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand] You'll thank me later.
I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
I don't understand.
The board voted last night to close your branch.
On whom's authority?
The board's.
S3 E8The Merger
I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.
Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.
So you'll be reporting to me then.
On the contrary.
My title has "manager" in it.
And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.
Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!
Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?
[blank stare] I just told you.
S3 E9The Convict
I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.
I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!
Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?
PMPrison Mike
Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!
Where did you learn all of this?
PMPrison Mike
Internet.
So, not prison.
PMPrison Mike
And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.
What did you do, Prison Mike?
PMPrison Mike
I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.
That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.
PMPrison Mike
And I never got caught neither!
Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.
S3 E10A Benihana Christmas
[bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!
C'mon, Dwight, we talked about this: no dead animals in the office.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.