Last week, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. And as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is scarier than most people using drugs.
S2 E20Drug Testing
S2 E21Conflict Resolution
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Jim : Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael : What?
Jim : And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight : That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim : Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
S2 E22Casino Night
I taught Mike some, uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversation. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out," "going mach 5," "dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Afghani.
What?
Afghani.
That's a dog.
No, that's afghan.
That's a shawl.
Wait, canine AIDS?
No, humans with AIDS.
Who has AIDS?
Guys, the Afghanistananis.
[In reference to Michael's plan to invite the boy scout troop that the proceeds will be donated to]
Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering, you know. Is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?
Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate...so much...about the things that you choose to be.
I was just, um... I'm in love with you.
What?
I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just--
What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
I just needed you to know. Once.
Well, I, um--I can't...
Yeah.
You have no idea--
Don't do that.
--what your friendship means to me.
Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.
S3 E1Gay Witch Hunt
Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm". [pause] That'll show 'em.
I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.
You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
S3 E2The Convention
I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.
Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop!
S3 E3The Coup
[crying] The Sebring is cool! The Sebring is so cool! Please don't fire me Michael, I'll do anything!
Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?
...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Yeah...
What's his name?
...Crentist.
Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Maybe that's why he became a dentist?
S3 E4Grief Counseling
I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.