Zach quotes from The Loud House

OK everybody, up top. [all five high-five] First middle school high five, check. Who's ready to rock day one? [Everyone groans]

I know I am. Grew this sweet new 'stache over the summer, so I'm golden.

OK, A: I'd hardly call that a 'stache. And B: why can't you just admit you're nervous like the rest of us?

Guys, there's nothing to be nervous about. Especially because we'll all be together in Mrs. Salter's class, which Lynn said rules.

But Lincoln, we're gonna get eaten alive! We're not big fish anymore.

Everybody calm down, I'm telling you. [blows harmonica and clears his throat.] As long as we're together, we'll be fine.

Thanks for buying me a snack, Clyde. You have no idea how much it costs to feed and house a dove.

You bet. Just two best friends sharing some dried apples! Nothing unusual at all.

Those are some healthy choices, boys!

Hey, guys! Fancy running into you here.

At school?

[waves a pocket watch] Behold, this antique pocket watch. Look closely at it and relax your mind.

Zach, why are you showing me an old watch?

Shh. Just focus on the watch. Let's talk about dancing. It's so cool. You want to dance. You need to dance.

[stops the watch] Nice try, Zach, but I'm sticking with my magic act. [leaves]

I don't understand why it didn't work.

I wanna boot-scoot! I need to boot-scoot! Aw, yeah, aw, yeah!

Stella

Ooh! Lincoln, isn't that your sister?

Leni

[notices her brother] Hey, Lincoln! It's like, totes packed in here. Mind if we share your booth?

Well, it's already… [Leni and her friends end up squeezing in] Full.

[gasps] Is that spaghetti pizza?

Yum!

I'm starving!

Fiona

Oh, can I have a slice?

Oh. Well, I guess. [the teens devour the whole pizza] So, what are you guys doing here?

Yeah, don't you guys usually hang out at the mall?

Usually. But Dim Yum is closed.

Yeah, but the skee-ball is open! Come on, let's play some games!

[offended] They ate all of our pizza. Now they're playing all of our games?

Y'all, they're takin' over this place like skeeters on a sugar sucker.

Guys, it's okay. It's only for an afternoon. We can still have fun.

Mind if I get next? I don't get A's very often.

Fiona

Sorry, dude. Miguel's gonna be here for a while. He's on a roll.

Only 10,000 more tickets and he has enough to win the Rip Hardcore Waffle Iron!

[singing] Waffles!

I've been saving up my tickets for years trying to win that! [sulks sadly]

You know what the worst part is?

[pulls a splinter from his keister] All the splinters in my butt?

I'm still so hungry! [sobs]

Gotcha. [he and his friends run over to Katherine and Principal Ramirez, surprising them with horror] Principal Ramirez! Action News Team!

Excuse me.

Principal Ramirez, how much has Katherine Mulligan been paying you to steal out news stories?

I don't know what you're talking about.

[sneaks up next to her and puts the microphone in her face, causing her to wobble and fall into the lake] We're asking the questions here.

The jig is up, Katherine "Shady Shader" Mulligan! The book Principal Ramirez was going to give you, is a bunch of phony news leaks we planted! Bam! [looks closely at the book cover] "Passion under the Pompeii Moon?" Uh-oh.

[snatches the book from him, angrily] You bet you're "uh-oh." Ms. Mulligan and I are in a book club together. Now someone get me out of here.

That's the story. We've been meeting to swap novels we're reading.

Stella

So you weren't leaking our stories?

Of course not! This what you spend your time on, making false accusations? I have half a mind to shut down the Action News Team.

Stella

Please, don't!

No, dawg!

We're sorry.

Give us another chance.

[steps in front] I'm Katherine Mulligan, and I agree with these children. Sure, they got the story wrong. But they've got real drive. [giggles] It reminds me of me when I was starting out. I say they deserve a second chance.

[out of her mind; annoyed] Fine. [The Action News Team jump and share a high-five; exits the lake, wagging her finger] But no more wild goose chases or knocking principals in lakes.

Promise.

We swear.

It was Zach.

Thanks, Ms. Mulligan. But we have to know, how the heck have you been able to scoop us?

With help from my boyfriend. He's a real sweetie with even sweeter leads. But I had no idea he was getting them from you.

What is going on with her?

I don't know, but, she ain't right.

Zach, what was on that tape you gave her? Did you mess this up?

No way! I'm the master of hypnosis. But, uh, I'll go to Stella's house and check the tape, just to be sure. And keep an eye on her until I get back.

[grabs and picks up Zach by the backpack after being tackled] You need two seconds to tell me what the blue blazes is going on!

Don't panic, but there's an alien inside of you, Mr. B. I can totally prove it! See [shows his detector] It's flashing, which means… [his detector is low on battery power] Low battery… [chuckles sheepishly] Let's just call this a whoopsie.

[drops him] A whoopsie?! We must call it… [yelling angrily in his face] TWO DAYS' DETENTION FOR TACKLING A TEACHER, GURDLE?! [storms off]

You okay, Zach?

Stella

We saw everything.

Uh, yeah. Well, at least it's only two days of detention. [his friends gasp] What? What's the big deal? I've had detention before.

Yeah, in elementary school. This is middle school! The other bullies are bigger, and so are their wedgies!

Yeah. Lynn once told me about a kid who went to detention, and the other kids gave him a wedgie very hard, it stunted his growth!

[shudders nervously] Oh, great. What am I gonna do?!

Don't worry, dawg. I'll be there to help you because I need to help you.

Stella

We're sorry, Principal Ramirez. We shouldn't have deceived you.

It's just that the Astrid Method was making us miserable.

Eating all that fish was cramping my style with the ladies.

Yeah, it was the fish.

[sighs] Look, it's my job to make sure you're set up to succeed, and the Astrid Method guarantees that'll happen. So, we'll resume the program on Monday.

[as his friends groan in disappointment] Dang it.

Nej, wait. Principal Ramirez, studies have shown that student happiness is crucial for success. If these children aren't happy, than that means the program isn't working. I'm going to have to rethink it. [to the Action News Team] Thank you for your honest feedback.

[interviewing Paula] You really played your heart out today. Any words for the Action News audience?

[speaks into the microphone and to the camera] Head to Duds for Dudes, where satisfaction is guaranteed! 'Cause they know what a dude wants, and what a dude needs!

Ooh-wee. It is hotter than a pig in a pepper patch.

[coming out the back door, carrying a bucket of ice] Okay, I got the ice! Get ready to chill. [accidentally trips on the fan's plug and falls on the ground, dropping the ice bucket on him as it melts]

There's got to be a better way to stay cool.

Stella

[smiles] Actually… [realizes] Oh, no. Never mind.

What?

Come on, tell us.

Spill it, Zhou.

Stella

[giving in] Okay, fine. Know how I'm neighbors with Principal Ramirez? [her friends all nod yes] Well, I'm housesitting for her this weekend while she's at some teacher's conference, and… she has a pool! [her friends all talk at once with excitement] Technically, she never said I could use it. I'm just supposed to water the plants and feed her birds and stuff… [shrugs] But I guess I could ask. [takes out her phone]

I don't see why she wouldn't let us.

Please, Stella, I feel like I'm melting! [groans while sinking slowly into the pool]

Stella

[types a text and sends it] There. Text sent. Now we wait.

Uh, guys? Can we wait at her house? I think Lily wants her pool back.

Stella's here.

[caws] Hello!

Stella

Hey, guys! Here you go. [pours the food into their bowl]

Ooh! This is exactly what we needed! [to Stella] Did she text back yet?

Stella

[checks her phone while Ramirez's parrots eat their food] Negative. We shouldn't go in until we hear back, so just hang out until then. [goes inside the house]

[takes out a spray can of sunscreen] Better reapply my sunscreen. Gotta protect my epiderm. Know what I mean? [sprays himself and Zach in his sunscreen, which covers Zach's glasses]

[blowing his whistle] No running! [his friends all look at him, puzzled] Sorry. Reflexes. My dads made me get lifeguard training before I was allowed to bathe alone.

[throws a life ring in the pool; wearing an inflatable swan] Well, I've pre-floated all the floaties. Come on, Ramirez. Send that text!

Stella

[checks her phone] Sorry, guys. Still nothing.

[sitting on the slide; groans] It's so hot! [slides down it, stopping just before he enters the pool while groaning]

[sighs] What if she never texts back? Well, what if she lost her phone? Or her mind? You know how wild teacher conferences get.

You know what, I'm just gonna dip my toe in.

That should be everything. The only evidence is my tense, nagging guilt.

Stella

[relieved] Thank you, guys. Now you better go. Principal Ramirez will be here in 20 minutes.

Later, Stellar.

Good luck.

Don't be nervous. There's no way Ramirez will know we used the pool. [starts to leave, until…]

[caws; mimicking Lincoln] There's no way Ramirez will know we used the pool.

[shocked] Did they just--?!

[caws; mimicking Zach] Pool party!

Stella

[horrified] They're repeating what we said!

Those featherheads are gonna rat us out!

[takes out a roll of duct tape] Oh, no, they won't! [attempts to tape their beaks shut, causing them to shriek in terror]

Stella

[grabs the duct tape out of her hands] You're not taping their beaks shut, Kara.

Wait, guys, there's no reason why Ramirez would think they were talking about us.

[mimicking Rusty] Rusty Spokes cannonball!

[relieved] Phew. It's just Rusty.

[offended] Kara! Not cool, dawg!

[mimicking Clyde] Stella, the pool party hostess with the mostest! [squawks]

[squawks; also mimicking Clyde] Chef Clyde's tropical smoothies!

[sighs, realizing she's wrong] We're toast.

Welp, there goes my recommendation to U of M.

Stella

[disappointed] No. I'm the one she trusted, and it was my idea. I'll tell her it was all my fault.

[frustrated when the green parrot mimics him] Why am I being singled out?!

Maybe it's not enough to teach them new phrases. We have to make them forget the old ones! [swinging a round cracker tied to a string like a pendulum in front of the parrots' faces] You are getting very sleepy. You will fall into a deep sleep and forget all about the pool party.

[notices] Uh-oh, I think Zach caught some stray hypno-rays!

[collapses and stands up; groaning] Where am I? Why am I looking at birds?

They aren't saying anything, so I think it worked.

Yeah! They forgot all about the pool party, Lincoln.

[squawks; mimicking Clyde] Pool party, Lincoln.

[realizing he messed up] Whoopsie.

[groans] I gotta start over again.

Don't bother, yo. I just came up with a better idea. [then shown in front of the house, waving to his cousin Derek; holding birdcage with a blanket covering it] Thanks, D-Dawg! [brings the cage into the backyard] Cousin Derek comes through again. I sent him a picture and he got three identical birds in under 30 minutes!

Stella

I still don't feel good about replacing Ramirez's birds.

It's only until Lisa can wipe the memory. We can sneak them back here next week.

Behold! [pulls the blanket off the cage, revealing a featherless parrot, another parrot with an eyepatch, and a third parrot with a black beak]

Stella

Rusty, these birds look nothing like Ramirez's!

Relax. Cousin Derek also sold me bird paint. [holds up three cans of bird paint with a logo of parrot (which resembles Sergio), corresponding to the original parrots' feather colors; paints the replacement parrots to look identical to Principal Ramirez's] Oh, missed a spot. Done!

Stella

I must admit, they don't look that bad… if you squint.

[in Italian] Buongiorno! (translation: Good day!)

[also in Italian] Come stai? (translation: How are you?)

Stella

[surprised in anger] Rusty, these birds speak Italian!

Yo, forget about it.

Not that one. He's from New York.

Stella

Either way, Principal Ramirez is gonna know they're not her birds! [pulls out her phone, getting a text] It's her! "Five minutes away", car emoji, smiley face emoji.

She's really going hard on the emojis.

Stella

[out of options] Welp, guess I'll have to face the music.

No, we all will.

How you doing?

Not great, but thanks for asking.