Guys, this is the most perfect Christmas ever.
[suddenly notices a spider on the fireplace while putting up the garland] AH! SPIDER! [grabs his brother's spatula out of the fruitcake and smashes it against the mantle, trying to kill the spider, thus bending it]
[freaks out when he saw that his brother accidentally damaged his spatula as he returns from the kitchen] Ah! My new spatula! [suddenly remembers what they were fighting about, seething with fury]
[Leonard and the kids all cringe]
[to the viewers] Um, maybe I spoke too soon.
[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2, Lance tries to fix the spatula, making it look as good as new]
[swipes back his beloved spatula; infuriated to his brother] You did that on purpose!
[slightly annoyed] Quit being a weenie! It's just a dumb kitchen utensil.
[now standing next to his brother's exercise ball] Oh, yeah?! Well I guess this is just a dumb rubber ball, huh?
[gasps] You mustn't harm the the Ab Blaster, this thing's 5000!
Well, what can I say? We "weenies" are unpredictable. [tries to pop the ball with the spatula, only for it to bounce off and hit him in the face, then rips it with his own teeth instead]
[Lance reacts in shock and remembers what their fight was about, groaning in fury]
Rita[covering Lily's eyes; shocked with anger] Lynn!
[grabs a gingerbread cookie off the tray] Say goodbye to gingerbread you! [bites the head off of the cookie, making Lynn Sr. grab his throat in horror]
[covering Shiloh's own eyes; also shocked with anger] Lance!
Say goodbye to… [tries to pick up Lance's kettlebell, but it's too heavy] Okay, not that. Ah-ha! [grabs the "ENDURE-LANCE" ornament from the tree, throws it on the ground, and stomps on it]
[sees a present; reads label] "For Lynn." Ha! Not today, Santa! [soccer-kicks the present right out the open window, sending it miles into the forest] GOAL!
Actually, that was for Lynn Jr.
[blasting his air horn in irritation, stopping the fighting] For the love of Neptune, enough! Can't we just have a nice, quiet Loud Christmas?
I am not having Christmas with him.
I'm not having Christmas with him.
Rita
Well, we're all here for the night, so how are we going to make this work?
[Later, the two adult brothers have divided the mess hall in half for their families to have Christmas dinner on both sides]
[slicing a ham for his family on one side] Well, this works for me.
[slicing tofu for his family on the opposite] Works for me, more.
[sitting in the middle with a big orange stripe painted right down his middle] Yeah, not so much for me.
Sorry, Dad, but it's only one reason to make sure you don't take sides.
[Two adult Loud brothers put on their winter clothes before heading out to rescue Lincoln, Lori and Shelby from the frozen river]
You know, this is your fault, Lance. If you hadn't acted like a jerk before earlier, the kids never should pull this stunt because they never pulled this stunt and the kids never would pull this stunt because they never pulled this stunt!
[offended] Oh, I was born to act like the jerk? You are the other person who--
Rita
Stop! This is no time for arguing and fighting!
Rita's wright, Rita's correct, you need to go rescue the kids. Hurry, please!
[Two adult brothers run for the door, but feel stuck in it]
Oh, for trout's sake. [shoves them out the door]
Rita
[offscreen] Kids, anyone want to join me at the mall? [Rita is shown holding Lily while Luan peeks out under of a table while hiding] Gotta make a few returns. [the other siblings for a fight cloud dash down and exit the house and Rita takes Lily off on his head and serveal bags] I'll take that as a yes. [notices] Lynn, please put Vanzilla down! [leaves the house, closing the front door, leaving Luan all alone] Oh.
[Luan gets out from under the dining table and watches Vanzilla driving away from out the window in relief; her father's phone rings and a series of texts from a fish lady appears]
FDFish Lady Deb
Mr. Loud! Fish Lady Deb here! Listen, we've got a crustacean situation. I just found out the lobster I sold you this morning went bad sometime over the Long Island Sound. It's just so hard to tell, y'know? It all smells like fish! Anywhoose, make sure nobody eats that lobster, if you're catching my drift. Vomit face emoji.
[The Loud family is in London, England, and Rita is seemingly driving their rental double-decker bus on wrong side of the road]
Honey, you're on the wrong side of the road! [Steers the bus on the left side. The Loud siblings scream from the back]
Rita
I always forget they drive on the left side in England. Everyone okay back there?
[The Loud siblings are pressed against the window]
[Rita presses her foot on the breaks as the traffic light turns red and the bus screeches to a stop]
[to a British man who's preparing to board their bus] Sorry. This is our rental bus. We have a wheely big family. [laughs]
[pops up in front of the viewers] Welcome to London! So what are the Louds doing across the pond? Good question. Luna got an invite to attend Mick Swagger's knighting ceremony at the Royal Castle. And because she's such a huge fan, Mick flew out our whole family! That's right, we traveled all the way from Royal Woods, Michigan, to London, England.
[A map shows the Louds' plane flying from Royal Woods, Michigan, USA, over the Atlantic Ocean, and lands in the England state of the European country]
[reading Mick Swagger's autobiography when Lynn kicks her soccer ball, knocking it out of her hands] Chill out, Lynn! I'm trying to reread Mick's autobiography, even after the 10th time, I'm learning new dets about his life.
LLynn
And I'm trying to get into the English spirit. Brits love soccer.
They call it "football" here, Lynn. And the King's favorite team is the Chuffbottom Chips.
[to the viewers] Lori spent the whole flight binging a reality series on British royals called Drama Kings, so she thinks she's an expert now.
[in British accent] Oh, oh, there's the local chippy where me and me mates used to nosh on sonnies. [laughs]
[chuckles] Dad is trying to relieve the college semester he spent in England. And me? I'm just excited to be in the city where they shot my favorite David Steele movie; To London with Love. Whoa! I think David jumped from that rooftop!
[Their bus comes to a stop in front of the Royal Castle and the siblings are slammed against the window]
[gasps] Look! We made it to the Royal Castle!
[The Louds arrive in Naples, Italy while Lynn is carrying the whole family and sets them down]
[to the viewers] Buongiorno from Naples, Italy. [the map of Europe shows their rental bus leaving England, driving through France, and arrive in Italy] We drove our double-decker bus all the way through England, and then through France to get here. And now, would you believe if I said we've been backpacking for miles to get pizza? Oh. You would. Well anyway, Gus from the Games and Grub, tipped us off to the secret location of the world's best pizza, but his directions, are just a little hard to follow. And not just because they're written in marinara sauce. [reads the postcard] "Once atop the tomato shaped hill, follow the smell of oregano for 700 pizza paddles?" Confusing, right?
Rita
[sniffing] Oh, I smell the oregano. It's coming from that way.
[walking while counting as the family follows him] One pizza paddle, two pizza paddles, three pizza paddles, four pizza paddles, five pizza paddles, six…
Rita
[sniffing] It's coming from here. This must be it.
This is where the world's best pizza is made? Maybe we misread the marinara.
[in Italian accent; off-screen] The sauce never lies. [the Louds gasp and turn to her, whose standing behind them; kindly] Benvenuti. I am Nonna Viola, and you must be the Louds.
What? How did you know (who we are)? Are you some kind of mind reader?
[The Louds' rental bus enters the spooky shadows of the woods in Transylvania, Romania and everyone looks out the window in fear, except for Lucy, whose enjoying it]
Can we please pull over? Look at all this great stuff we're missing.
Rita
Sweetie, we agreed to pass through Transylvania so you can see all your horrible, ghoulish sights, but there is no way we're getting off this bus. We don't want to traumatize Lily. [holds up Lily, wearing sunglasses and headphones, listening to some music, keeping her from being frightened of the spooky sights]
Plus, we can't risk being on the road after dark. Everyone knows there are vampires in this neck of the woods. [laughs; playfully elbows Lucy] Get it? Neck? [terrified] But seriously though, I'm scared.
[shudders; to the viewers] That makes twelve of us. The Louds are still double-decking across Europe, and it was Lucy's turn to choose our next destination: Transylvania. [the map of Europe shows their bus leaving the Swiss Alps, then crosses through Austria, Hungary and Serbia, until reaching Romania]
Everybody, relax. Sadly, there's nothing to fear. There haven't been any real vampires in Transylvania for centuries.
[bumps into Lincoln after he's transported back to the future] Hey, what took you, Stinkoln?
[groans and breaks out of the hug] Gross! What're you doing?
I'm just so happy to see you! [to the rest of the family] To see all of you!
Rita
Aw, that's sweet, honey, but you shouldn't have run off. We have been looking all over for you.
[Unaware as the other sisters are] Oh. Were we supposed to be looking for Lincoln? I found a huge sale on vintage sandals!
[exasperated] That wasn't a sale rack! It was a showcase of ancient Greek footwear! What is with this family?!
Rita
Listen, sweetie, you have been a real trooper with all these historic tours, so your Dad and I decided we're gonna spend the afternoon doing whatever fun thing you want.
Actually, I'm starting to think history is fun. I'd love to hear more about Greek Mythology.
[Nighttime at the Loud House; someone is raiding in the kitchen and eating the contents, letting an empty can roll in the kitchen. Rita and Lynn Sr. peek out of their own bedroom.]
[whispers to Rita] "Well, Did you hear that? The Midnight Snack Thief is back!" [he and Rita sneak over to the kitchen, but stopped by Lincoln and his sisters]
"Guys! Don't worry. I've set up a trap that should be going off right about..." [The sound of a net catching its prey is heard] "Now." [he and the others enter the kitchen] "Gotcha!" [turns on the lights, and the family is shocked to discover the Midnight Snack Thief is...] "Lori?!"
[sheepishly] "Oh! Hi, guys!" [the trap drops her to the floor, and rubs her head] "Ow."
"You're the one who's been taking our stuff?"
Rita
"Sweetie, if you needed all this, you could have just asked."
[gets up on her feet] "I didn't want to worry you guys. After paying Mr. Grouse's rent, I'm very broke. [groans] I've had no luck getting a job." [frowns; Luan excitedly steps up in front of her]
"Wait a minute! I've been working part-time at the Burnt Bean and I heard they're hiring a new bean-rista!" [gestures to her big sister]
"I blew my interview there when I first moved home, remember?"
"Well, lucky for you, I'm pretty tight with our manager, Beany Brewinski. If I put in a good word, you're going to get golden cuz you seem to get golden!"
[Lori accepts the offer Luan gave her. She gets excited.]
"So, I'd be making money AND we'd be working together? How fun would that be?"
[Two of them squeal in excitement; A few days later… Lori and Luan are driving on their sides to the Burnt Bean.]
[Elbows Lori] "Thanks for driving, CO-WORKER! Sure beats my old unicycle commute."
"Ah, It's literally the least I can do." [giggles and starts singing. Luan has an excited look.] ♪ SISTERS! Working together! ♪
[Also starts singing] ♪ Chasing those Burnt Bean DREAMS!!! ♪ [tilts her head back and lowers it back down.]
LLLuan and Lori
[Singing together in harmony.] ♪ SISTERS! Working together! ♪
Rita
"Okay, everyone, Another time to go."
BBeany
Good morning, coffee crew! [Luan and Lori are in their barista outfits] Everyone have their seven cups of coffee? No? Just me! [chuckles] "Alright! I'm thrilled to announce the newest addition to the Burnt Bean team, Lori Loud! Let's give her a caf-hey!"
LPLuan and Paraag
"Caf-hey!"
[awkwardly] "Caf… hey!" [giggles]
BBeany
"Next order of bean-ness, I'm off to a conference in Beantown, so I'll be promoting our top bean-rista to manager while I'm gone. Say hello to your new bean boss… Luan!"
[Lori and Paraag gasp excitedly]
"Wowee! I shan't be there to let you down because I don't need to let you down and I won't be there to let you down because I don't need to let you down, Beany!"
BBeany
"I know you won't! I'm trusting you to keep the bean dream alive!" [Leaves] "Toodles!"
"You deserve this, Luan."
"Aww! I couldn't have done it without you, Paraag. We make a good blend!" [They giggle]
"Yeah, congrats! I had no idea you were such a talented barista."
"Awww! Thanks! I hope you're okay with this. I know you didn't try to plan on working for your little favorite sister."
"Are you kidding? I'm totally okay. Just think of me as another employee. No playing favorites."
[On the drive home from the Burnt Bean…]
[Happily singing] ♪ SISTERS! Working together! Chasing those Burnt Bean DREAMS!!! ♪ [tilts her head back again as Lori growls]
[Rita and Lynn Sr. prepare to leave. Luan and Lori enter the house.]
Rita
"Hi girls. We're off on our date night."
"We're trying that new place, Mitch's Massage and Macaroni. I'm gonna get the tissue with meatballs."
Rita
"Lori, you probably want to go back to your apartment, So Leni, you're in charge until we get back."
[Leni walks by Luan, and Lori, who knows how to get back at Luan.]
"Ooh! Actually, I'm in no hurry. I love to babysit! I bet Leni wants to go!"
"Foot massage with fettuccine, here I come!" [She leaves as Lynn Sr. and Rita watch in confusion.]
"I'm sorry, so she's with us now?" [He and Rita leave.]
"Hear that everyone? I'm in charge!" [Luan stares at her in confusion.]
My future is terrible! I'm not really on the team! I'm Crikey's personal sweat wiper!
Don't worry. It's possible my crystal ball isn't accurate.
[carrying a big trophy] That glass ball is 100% accurate, Lucy! I did end up winning the pageant after everyone else got food poisoning. Thanks again for the reading. [walks off to her room, next door]
Told you! My future is gonna be messed up for sure! I bet this is all because I missed practice today for that dentist appointment! Who cares about plaque anyway?!
Rita
Don't panic. This isn't necessarily your future. It's always evolving.
Darn straight! I'm gonna make sure it evolves the way I want it to. Time to start practicing.
[Rita and the twins are checking out groceries at the Super Mart]
Rita
I don't remember needing walnuts… or sardines. Lola. Lana.
We might add a few items if we was born on our birthdays earlier.
CCashier
[giving Rita a handful of raffle tickets] Congratulations, you've earned 749 promotional raffle tickets.
Rita
So that's what this was about. [glares annoyingly at the twins] I'll deal with you two later. [back to the cashier] Can I return the nuts?
CCashier
Please don't make me do that.
The Loud House · 632 quotes
