JasonJanet! I'm so happy to see you. I got you a box of chocolates, but then I remembered you can't eat, so I ate them! And I thought it would be a nice present to describe them to you. So...the first one was gross-
Jason, um, please just let me talk. You know that I've been overwhelmed with work since the neighborhood started.
Jason
Yep!
And I asked you to give me some space.
Jason
Yep!
I'm so sorry to say this... [Janet and Jason take a seat.] ...but I CAN'T be in a relationship with you right now. Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment.
Jason
It won't, though.
Jason, it already has. So, why don't we just take a break until it's all finished.
Also, I hate to pile on, but I think you have a right to know: The Jacksonville Jaguars cut Blake Bortles. He's not on the team anymore. I am genuinely sorry.
Jason
Dude! Thanks to you, my dream came true! I have a shiny new budhole! You okay, homey?
NO! I've had a stomachache for a week, there have been WAY too many close calls! Please, I beg you: no more meatball subs. No more drawing boobs in the dirt. I cannot lie to cover for you, PLEASE REMEMBER you're supposed to be a MONK.
'AAAAAAAAAY Eleanor and Michael are here, what a fun surprise!
You've done some redecorating!
Uh, YES, my apartment was decorated in one way and now it has been...RE-decorated.
I mean, you know how monks are. Calm. Peaceful. Never, you know...shotgunning Cheez Whiz. What monk would do that NO MONK. Anyway...I see you guys are still here!
We're just dropping by to ask a favor. Can you accompany Jianyu to the luau tonight? He still isn't really engaging with the neighborhood, we were hoping you could help him break out of his shell.
...Actually, I don't think I can make it.
I just remembered...I CAN make it, so I will see you there. 'Kay. Bye!
What IS all this stuff? Are these weapons?
Oooh, don't touch those, ha ha! Those are my special magnet handcuffs. They make me feel silly when Mindy and I are playing Upstairs-Downstairs Derek.
Jason
Dude, get out of here, we have enough problems.
My good man, allow me to bury the hatchet. Being rebooted again has evolved me past any feelings of jealousy.
Ho-HO, I know THAT sound. Looks like someone found my sex diaper.
I'll leave you guys alone to live that dipe life!
Okay, here's where I'm at: I just don't know if I can ever trust you. I'm gonna call the Judge, we'll start over. We won't have Chidi in the mix, but he'll be on our side again, which is almost as good.
But we know the humans now. Starting over sounds exhausting!
I know, but if that's not Michael, he could sabotage us in ways we can't even perceive, and even if it is, I can't fully trust him, so every time something goes wrong, a little part of me is gonna wonder. We have to start over.
I have a better idea: I'm gonna blow myself up.
ETEleanor and Tahani
WHAT?
I'll blow myself up. That way, you can continue the experiment with Chidi as one of the people, which is our best chance to ever be successful.
Why not just lock you in a room or in Janet's void or something?
But then you might worry that I'd escape. I blow myself up, I'm out of your hair for good. Well...parts of me will be in your ACTUAL hair, but you get it.
Tahani, this is the only way. There's literally nothing I can say that will make you realize that I'm really me.
Oh boy...this is gonna suck. Hopefully, I will see you all in a few months. Good luck. Oh, and make sure that you, uh, get all of me into the container, or I might come back, uh...way shorter and that would bum me out.
I wish I were saying this in different circumstances, but...take it sleazy.
Jason
Michael, wait!
Jason
Hey, Mikey, I have a question about our plan to save Janet. Is there it yet?
I do have a plan, yes. But to be honest, I have no idea if it will work.
Jason
Maybe Glenn could help. Yo, Glenn, how should we rescue Janet?
Jason
He doesn't know.
Listen, Jason, old friend, I already gave Eleanor and Tahani all their afterlife memories back. I haven't restored yours...f-for obvious reasons. But I think to maximize our chances of survival, it's time that you remember everything we've been through. Now prepare yourself. This might be intense.
Jason
Oooooooooooooooooh DIIIIIIIIIIIIP-
Do you remember everything?
Jason
YES. Last time I was in the Bad Place, I threw a Molotov cocktail! That was sick.
I was afraid that you'd watch 300 years of memories and that would be your takeaway. Buddy, I did that to help you know what NOT to do. Impulse control is critical. Fight the urge to blow stuff up, even if you feel like we're in a jam. Got it?
Jason
I mean...that's very lame...but yeah. I understand.
Jason
Wait, can I have all my memories back again? I forgot most of them.
All right, idiots. This is Hour 52 of the 4,000-hour presentation on the future of torture.
Jason
He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours?
Jason
Here's what I think: we should throw a Molotov-
Jason
What? I didn't say "cocktail"! I could have meant "Molotov anything", you don't know.
That oughta stop them from following us.
So smart. Nice to have you back, Janet.
It must have been hard for you...to go back there.
It was. I don't like thinking about who I used to be.
Jason
Listen, Michael, it's okay to feel or plead guilty about bad things you used to do, but you don't have to feel shame about who you were because you're not a demon anymore. You're just like a nice, weird, happy old dude.
Thanks for rescuing me. I missed you so much.
Jason
I missed you, too. Bad Janet was so mean to me. She told me so many lies, like, she said the Jags cut Blake Bortles. Can you believe that?
Oh no...Jason, that wasn't a lie. Blake Bortles WAS cut by the Jaguars.
Jason
WHAT? How, WHY!? Wh...who's their QB now?
Jason
NICK FOLES? Are you KIDDING ME!?
Jason
He won a SUPER BOWL! We're gonna be UNSTOPPABLE! FOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!
Oh no...Nick Foles just broke his clavicle.
Jason
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
...the moment you've all been waiting for. The Humanity Savior of the Week goes to...Jason!
Jason
Yes!
Keep up the amazing work with Chidi. AND! The award for Hottest Savior of the Week goes to...
Eleanor Shellstrop! [pulls out a photo of herself.]
I don't know what to tell you, man. Maybe do some squats? Pop that booty a little bit?
MMichael (Narrating)
It was a real high point.
The ski trip, I mean, not the completely rigged hotness contest. All in all, it was the best we'd ever felt about the experiment. And then Brent did something...very Brentian.
[Sarcastically] Who could have predicted that?
Jason
What's wrong, homie?
Brent wrote this book and clearly, he put some of us in it. There's a cowardly character named Four-Eyed Igby who "wears glasses and sweater vests and never does anything spontaneous or cool". I am educating you in ethics. What could be cooler than that?
Jason
If you want to try something spontaneous, I'm your guy. Almost everything I did on Earth, I did without thinking or worrying about what would happen. That's how I got my nickname: The Defendant.
Not the best argument, but you're-you're right. What is something spontaneous that I can do right now? Let's come up with a list of ten possibilities and then slowly whittle it down over the next four days.
Jason
Better idea: let's dance, baby!
Jason
Get you out of your head! This is how we defeat Igby, the no-fun nerd!
...Yeah. Look at ol' Igby MOVE!
Jason
There you go!
Yeah, I've never heard this before, who is it?
Jason
Me! I wrote it. The song is called, "I'll Love You Forever," parentheses, "(Make that Bootie Bounce in the Bath)". Oh, fun fact: the police sirens in the background are real. I was being chased as I recorded it.
As you reach the end of your first year in the afterlife, what do you remember most? The everlasting friendships you made? The adversity you overcame together? The day everything was chocolate?
Jason
That day was awesome! I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. It was all chocolate!
EEleanor (in video)
You only have a few hours left in your first year, so why not do as many amazing good deeds for other people as you possibly can by midnight, just in case?
I know, I know, all right? I'll take it out. I'm a little tired, okay? Lay off.
Regardless of what the Judge rules, this feels like some sort of good-bye.
Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee she'll keep us together. She might just snap her fingers and send us flying into different dimensions. How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
Jason
Aw, man, are we gonna die again? We've died so many times. We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now. It's getting annoying.
If it would cheer you up, I could tell you what happened at your original funerals. Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that-
Uh, please stop. I don't want to hear it.
Jason
What about mine?
Your friends didn't say things about you so much as they graffitied a Red Lobster about you.
Jason
Yeah, in Jacksonville, that's the first stage of grief.
In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, or they can put your body out on a shooting range and you get a $200 state tax credit.
Hang on. THIS is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling. Let's throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals.
Jason
Awesome! And you know what they say in Florida: "If you don't like this funeral, juuuust wait a minute!"
We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil, in the place she felt most comfortable: the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet.
Jason
Tahani was super nice, and she deserved for people to be nicer to her than they were. The only sad thing is that she never got over her speech impediment.
Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful"...and "You don't buy bras at Home Depot"...and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot, what the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.
She was the best friend I ever had and I loved her.
Oh, thank you so much, that was wonderful!
Jason
I wish Chidi was here. It sucks that he's too dead for these Heaven funerals.
Can someone grab his arm? My hands are kind of full with his butt.
Jason
How'd he get so jacked?
When he was 14, someone told him that exercise alleviated anxiety, he started doing pushups and basically never stopped.
Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life. He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten to having a piñata on his birthday was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded.
But despite it all, he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met.
Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings. I hadn't had any yet, but it made me want to go get some. I could see something special inside him that no one else could see: it was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum.
That's my Jason: a big, colorful, rainbow blob stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.
Plus, I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy...
...so I could talk about what really mattered in life: wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham.
Jason
Statham forever!
Indeed. Statham forever. Amen.
I stand here before you, in sweatpants for the first time ever, to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place where she spent much of her life: a bar in a house she was not invited to.
Eleanor was full of surprises. I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, and also vaguely problematic.
But whether she was lifting me up or calling me out...I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me.
Jason
Eleanor, I know you don't like it when people get all emotional about you, so I channeled all of my love for you into this song.
Jason
That's when the foam cannons go pshh! Explode outward! And then back to the song.
OKAY OKAY WE'RE GOOD. Thank you...
Michael...you came to me and said the points system was flawed. A system...that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the Earth. And I have come to the conclusion...that you're right.
You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.
[choking up]...Mmm-hmm...
Well...that wasn't so hard, now was it?
Jason
WE DID IT!
The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.
...buuuuhhh Earth is WHAT, now?
All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal"...because I'm rebooting everything! Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!
The Good Place · 289 quotes
