Simone quotes from The Good Place

Simone

Eleanor! Look what my brain did! It's not real, and neither are you. [Sing-song] I'm in a coooomaaaa~ and none of this is real.

Eleanor

Okay, I know this is bad and we need a new approach, BUT. She is wearing the HELL outta those foam fingers.

Chidi

Hi, Simone. Uh, Chidi. From the other night?

Simone

Ohh! Wow! My brain must really like keeping you around. Have a fake seat and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist!

Chidi

Right, um...so, if-if I understand your state of mind, it's basically Solipsism. You think you're the only real thing in the universe and everything else stems from your consciousness.

Simone

Yes, but to be fair, I only think that because it's true and I'm right.

Chidi

No offense, but Solipsism, as a philosophy, is pretty juvenile, ESPECIALLY for a person with multiple advanced degrees. And it's also impossible to refute because everything you see is confirmed by your belief. However...

Simone

[scoffs] Dude...

Chidi

What? I mean, if none of this is real, then it really shouldn't matter, right? In fact...

Simone

[scoffs] Dude!

Chidi

Whaaaaaat? IT'S NOT REAL. NONE OF THIS MATTERS. Leave that on your nose for the rest of time.

Simone

Fine. Point sort of taken.

Chidi

You know, in a larger sense, if you go around acting like no one else matters, then you end up doing things like...knocking over cakes and pushing people into pools and just...generally acting like a jerk. Why not treat them better, just in case they're real? I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people with kindness and respect?

Simone

Okay. Keep talking, Probably-Fake-But-MAYBE-REAL-Philosopher Man.

Simone

I've been suspicious about this place since day one. Over the last few months, I've been collecting data, and now I am positive, something is truly forked up.

Chidi

You didn't tell me about any of this, muffin.

Okay, you call her muffin? I'm getting a lot of breaking news at once here.

Simone

I was gathering evidence. I didn't wanna compromise the integrity of the data collection.

Chidi

Oh, so romantic.

Simone

Here's what I know: Eleanor and Michael are up to something, and it's focused on us. I mean, there are, like, 300 people in the neighborhood, and somehow, they just spend all of their time talking to the six people in this room.

Well, I mean, who else are they gonna talk to? "Dumb Shorts" Cathy?

Chidi

What is your problem with her?

I mean, shorts? "Cathy"?

What ISN'T my problem with her?

Simone

...Jianyu? Are you okay, you look sweaty.

Tahani

Oh no, he's fine. He always sweats when he's meditating. He calls it "sweat-itating".

Tahani

No, I mean, um, he doesn't talk, so I call it that.

Tahani

...I'm friends with Sting!