Judge Gen quotes from The Good Place

Tahani it's such a pretty name. My name is super boring - "Gen". It's just short for "hydrogen", which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born. Anywho.

Shawn, I don't have time for this. I just started "Deadwood" finally and I need my daily dose of Timothy Olyphant, so I'm gonna make this short: If you so much as BREATHE on this experiment again, I will restart the ENTIRE THING from scratch and then, I will personally rip off your eyelids and make you watch heartwarming videos of soldiers coming home to their dogs.

Chidi

Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?

Well Not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. I've been binging Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.

I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say you guys are so cute. And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta [blows raspberry] Send you back.

Tahani

Your honor, please hear our case. You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through just to be here today.

I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you, but keep talking. I am, like, obsessed with your accent.

Tahani

We have made so much progress and all we ask is an audience with you to prove it. Is that not your very purpose to weigh in on matters such as ours? To paraphrase a song written by my godfather: Hey, judge. Don't make it bad. Take a sad group and make us better.

Say "aluminum".

Tahani

Aluminium.

I love that!

How's it going in here?

Jason

I'm losing by three. Meditating to calm myself down. I'd be winning by, like, a million if I could play as the Jags instead of playing against the Jags. I hate scoring against my own favorite team. [with dawning realization] But you already knew that. Because this is the test!

Yeah, that's not a revelation or something. I explained that very clearly.

Michael

If I'm right, the system by which we judge humans the very method we use to deem them good or bad is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable that hundreds of millions of people have been wrongly condemned to an eternity of torture.

Damn! That was intense! Look at my arm, y'all. Look, I got goosebumps. Doesn't happen very often.

Eleanor

There's this chicken sandwich that, if you eat it, it means you hate gay people! And it's delicious!

It is! It is so good!

Michael

Look! RIGHT THERE. After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly. Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name that sent 213 women to college. Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, and that little girl actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication. Heh...yikes. Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?

Shawn

Need I remind you that Brent got worse with EVERY second of EVERY moment of EVERY DAY.

Until right at the end...with ten seconds left, he swung WAY up.

Michael

This is it, Your Honor. This is the whole story: NO ONE is beyond rehabilitation. Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being and the points total tells you that, but what that number CAN'T tell you...is who he could've become tomorrow.

...I'll have my ruling shortly.

Michael...you came to me and said the points system was flawed. A system...that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the Earth. And I have come to the conclusion...that you're right.

Michael

...I'm-

You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.

Michael

[choking up]...Mmm-hmm...

Michael

Well...that wasn't so hard, now was it?

Jason

WE DID IT!

The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.

Eleanor

...buuuuhhh Earth is WHAT, now?

All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal"...because I'm rebooting everything! Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!

UGH. All Janet voids are nothing, but Neutral Janet voids are, like...the MOST nothing.

Judge, please, please don't cancel Earth.

Why not? The system's broken, you guys proved it. I just want to reboot the whole thing and go back to my chambers. I am on Season Three of "Justified," and can I just tell you...it is...SO GOOD. I, like, binged all of Season Two in a day.

Think of all the amazing human achievement you'd be eliminating, UUUH, the works of William Shakespeare. The Pyramids. Timothy Olyphant.

OOH. That one stings. There's, like, 50 gallons of man in a 10-gallon hat. I'm like OoOoOoH!

LOOK. I'm the freaking Judge and I made a freaking ruling and it's gonna freaking happen as soon as I find the freaking clicker thing.

All right, what do I search for? Humanity eraser button garage door opener thingy judge.

UUUUGHH!

Well, it wasn't in you. Any last words?

These are my last words. End of words.

Yes...really boring. Byeeeee!

All right, who's next?

Your dad's pimply butt, you fat dink.

That is so interesting because last time I checked...I DIDN'T have a dad. That's why I'm attracted to all the father figures on the TV shows I watch, mm-kaymm?

Idiots.

AW NUTS. How did I fall for that!?

Chidi

Please have a seat, Your Honor.

I already told you: I am NOT interested. Give me one reason why I should hear you out.

Okay. Here he is.

Ma'am.

You MADE me an OLYPHANT? [celebrates.]

I think you should hear them out, Judge. Only seems fair.

[saunters up to Timothy Olyphant.] Yeah, you're probably right. Well played, Janet. I don't mind taking in the view when the scenery is so pretty.

This meeting of the Joint Council of Afterlife Affairs is called to order. Let's make this quick, kids. I just started re-watching "The Leftovers". Honestly, when I found out that Carrie Coon was never nominated, I almost erased 2% of humanity. Michael? Update?

Michael

Things are going fairly well. A new crop of humans just passed their tests. Among the notables who got in: Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston, Saint Thomas Aquinas...

Chidi

YES!!

Michael

Eighth-century Sufi mystic poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri, and Clara Peller.

Michael

She was the "Where's the beef?" lady.

Ohhhh.

Michael

"Where's the beef?" lady got in, SO...that's fun. Honestly, our biggest problem is that we need more architects and actors.

Well, sorry, but these younger demon actors have no dedication to their craft. They think they can just start acting. They have to learn that acting is reacting, and reacting is pre-acting. But pre-acting? Well...that's just being.

Okay, take it down a notch, Daniel Day-Lewis. Shawn, what you got?

Shawn

Well, I'll begin by saying that this new system stinks, and Michael stinks, and we should throw this all in the garbage and go back to the way it used to be when everyone was tortured.

Michael

There's still some bumps in the road, but this system is good and it's working. Come on, admit it.

Shawn

I will never...ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever ever, ever...ever...EVER admit that.

Michael

I know, buddy. I know.