Chidi quotes from The Good Place

Chidi

I don't know what to do here. This is a mess, morally speaking. This is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup.

Chidi

Any moment now, Michael is going to get on that train, and we will never see him again, just like Professor Lindeman after I asked him to reread my 3,600-page manuscript. He said he was going out for cigarettes, but then he just left his tenured position at the Sorbonne.

Chidi

Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything. I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone.

Chidi

Yeah, I'm pretty excited to relax and have a drink. I mean, saving souls feels great, but Sydney to Budapest to Phoenix to Calgary... I'm so jetlagged, I can't even regrender my chorf. ... Don't even know what I was trying to say.

Eleanor

I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?

Chidi

If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.

Eleanor

That's bullshirt.

Hi there. How can I help you?

Eleanor

What the fork? Who are you?

I'm Janet. I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place.

Chidi

She's like this walking database. You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history...

Eleanor

Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. His name was Kevin Paltonic. Is he gay?

No.

Eleanor

Really? Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.

That's correct.

Eleanor

Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway.

Yes, you were.

Eleanor

Look. I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Chidi

Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Chidi

You are too selfish to ever be a good person.

Eleanor

Well, I think you're wrong.

Chidi

What country am I from, again?

Eleanor

Sen...sodyne?

Chidi

That is a brand of toothpaste.

Eleanor

It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?

Chidi

(pointing to the board) Plato!

Chidi

Basically, my life's work is 3,600 pages of garbage. Even Michael couldn't understand it.

Eleanor

So? What does Michael know?

Chidi

Everything. That's my point... he knows everything, and it was too convoluted, even for him.

Eleanor

Michael does not know everything. Michael does not know I'm not supposed to be here. You wrote 4,000 pages on one of the most complicated subjects in the world. I mean I used to get bored halfway through writing a text message. Be proud.

Chidi

So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.

Eleanor

I like this one. It's simple. Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?

Chidi

Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...

Jason

Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila. She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.

Chidi

Um, okay, what?

Jason

Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.

Chidi

Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.

Chidi

I am in paradise! I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry.

Eleanor

That's your idea of paradise?

Eleanor

Look at all these dishes piling up. I used to just throw them in the sink and they'd be magically clean by morning.

Chidi

I did that. I cleaned the dishes.

Eleanor

Oh... Then what's up with these bad boys?

Chidi

You are unbelievable.

Chidi

Quick summary of contractualism. Uh, imagine a group of reasonable people are coming up with the rules for a new society.

Eleanor

Like if your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free?

Chidi

Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair. So if you said, "We should be able to break our promises without any repercussions," someone would veto that rule.

Eleanor

Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.

Chidi

Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally frowned upon.

Chidi

You can't make small talk with her for one day without being caught?

Jason

No, I can't, and she freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King.