Jason quotes from The Good Place

Tahani

At some point, we should finish discussing yesterday's events.

Jason

Do you mean us almost getting married and then finding out I was married to Janet and then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me and then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend? Or do you mean when we saw that cool cloud?

Tahani

The first bit.

Jason

I vote we...

Tahani

No, sorry, and no offense, Jason, but the stakes here are too high to let someone with your limited intellectual processing capacity weigh in.

Jason

I was gonna agree with you.

Tahani

Oh, great, well, that's two votes for my plan.

Jason

I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.

Eleanor

What cops? Where do you think we are?

Michael

Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place, because they suck!

Jason

No, they don't. All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.

Tahani

You know my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles, I would simply say, "I would like to speak to a manager." But in our relationship, there was no manager. There was no one who could fix this for me except me.

Jason

My mom was a manager at a pet store. Does that help?

Tahani

No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories...

Jason

She got fired after I...

Tahani

Please, no.

Jason

...robbed the pet store where she worked.

Tahani

Please, please, Jason.

Jason

We actually robbed it together.

Tahani

No, no, no.

Jason

Long story short, it was all a dream.

Tahani

Thank you, Jason, for making this moment a little easier for me.

Jason

And to Janet, the best robot...

Not a robot.

Jason

Girl...

Not a girl.

Jason

And straight up hottie...

I am attractive, yes.

Jason

Any of us could have ever asked for.

Thanks, guys. Because of the way we were conceived of and created, Janets don't typically give speeches...

Eleanor

Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech.

Michael

See the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. There's also an IHOP.

Jason

Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity! No.

Michael

Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.

Jason

Okay. I'll get eggs, then.

Michael

It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior, and explanations of the torture they earned.

Jason

Is there a gift shop?

Michael

Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.

Eleanor

Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.

Chidi

Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.

Jason

I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless the burrito is the Judge.

Tahani

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.

How's it going in here?

Jason

I'm losing by three. Meditating to calm myself down. I'd be winning by, like, a million if I could play as the Jags instead of playing against the Jags. I hate scoring against my own favorite team. [with dawning realization] But you already knew that. Because this is the test!

Yeah, that's not a revelation or something. I explained that very clearly.

Eleanor

You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened because now, I can go back to living my life the way I used to: only caring about myself because being good is POINTLESS.

Michael

NO, no ah, please, Eleanor-

Eleanor

No. Thank you. I'm outie. See you in Hell.

Eleanor

You what I just realized? I always say that whenever I leave a room. But now? It's accurate! I will LITERALLY... SEE ALL OF YOU IN HELL.

Jason

Not if I see you first!

Eleanor

Holy forking shirtballs...we're in the Good Place!

Tahani

Are we SURE we're in the ACTUAL Good Place? It's rather...carpeted.

Jason

Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.

Chidi

What?

Eleanor

Don't.

Michael

No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath.

Eleanor

Whoa! That smells like Typhoon Falls! My favorite water park when I was a kid! Mmm...chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones.

Michael

When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.

Chidi

Warm pretzels...or, no, wait...it's the smell of absolute moral truth?

Those two things have very similar smells.

Eleanor

So. The plan is to erase Chidi's memory all the way back to when the air conditioner fell on his head in his original timeline.

Michael

The Judge has given us to tomorrow morning until we have to bring in the other two subjects. Tahani. The welcome party will be tomorrow night.

Chidi

And the next time you see me, it'll be like I'm a new resident. I...won't know any of you.

Jason

So, will you remember that time in Australia when we stayed up late and ate pizza together?

Chidi

No, buddy, I won't.

Jason

Will you remember when we...ordered the pizza?

Chidi

No.

Jason

Will you...remember...pizza?

Chidi

Will I remember what pizza...is?

Chidi

Yeah. I'll still know what pizza is.

Jason

Okay, so not a total loss.

Jason

Hey, hey, Mikey, can I-can I ask you something? I feel bad for making Janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable, so...here's my idea to make it up to her: me and a hundred Janet-Babies do a giant flash mob, just total unpredictable chaos all around her. Great idea, right?

Michael

Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

Jason

Mmm-hmm?

Michael

Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the neighborhood where if I say your name five times, my headache goes away. Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original neighborhood?

Jason

Does it have to do with the TV show "Monk"?

Michael

No. It's because you have no control over your own impulses. You think every problem can be solved with a Molotov cocktail or slashing somebody's tires or plunging Derek. So being a monk was torture for you. The only way for you to repair your relationship with Janet is to give her some space. Show her you can control your impulses.

Jason

So you're saying wanting to do something isn't a good reason to immediately do it.

Michael

Yeah.

Jason

Man...I wish someone had taught me this on Earth.

Michael

People tried. Mostly judges.

Jason

Oh, hey, Eleanor, we were just talking about maybe you shouldn't be team leader. [whispers to Tahani] Saved it.

Eleanor

Go 'head, guys. Speak your mind.

It isn't personal, Eleanor. When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success. After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.1%. So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you ARE kinda pooching it.

Eleanor

Very helpful feedback.

Eleanor

And if I could give you some feedback...uhhh, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ashfaces who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box!

Michael

Which curses were those?

Eleanor

I didn't ask for this! I'm only doing it because Michael, who is SUPPOSED to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started! BUT! Maybe you CAN do it better than me. TAHANI can be in charge since she's so smart. Or better yet: JASON! Maybe ALL OF HUMANITY can be saved with one good, old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival!

Jason

I mean, we could try. All I need is a bouncy house, some ninja stars and a bunch of ambulances.

Eleanor

Welp! Good luck, forkfaces. I quit. Shellstrop out.