Shawn quotes from The Good Place

Shawn

As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... [read's Jason's file] Oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.

Shawn

Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza. This is the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings Living and Dead for All Eternity. My name is Shawn.

Shawn

When you proposed this new form of torture, we all laughed behind your back. Some people called you names, like "the Thomas Edison of incompetence," or "that dick".

Shawn

Normally I would love hearing a man tell a woman she's crazy, but I can't. You aided the humans just to spite Michael. You're not a demon. You're a jerk.

Shawn

Well, I was going to try to get the humans back by going through the proper channels, but then I remembered, I'm a naughty bitch.

Shawn

I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason. I can only fail up.

Shawn

I'm here to preside over case #00003 regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop. The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.

What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um, the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now, but she just stole your train, and she still sucks bad. And she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out. [Farting] Nailed it.

Shawn

I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence.

Eleanor

Holy motherforking shirtballs.

Chidi

What?

Eleanor

Oh, man. [She starts laughing.] Wow! Okay, okay… Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out.

Michael

Is everything okay?

Eleanor

Right as rain, Mikey my boy. So, Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.

Chidi

What?!

Eleanor

[to Chidi] Trust me, I've got this. [to Michael and Shawn] That's our decision. Let's hit it.

Michael

Well, what about Real Eleanor?

Eleanor

No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.

Shawn

Point of order. I don't accept this offer. The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.

Eleanor

Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us. It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.

Michael! I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just save everyone.

Eleanor

Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.

…oh. Okay. [he leaves]

Eleanor

[to Michael] Ready when you are, boss.

Chidi

Eleanor, what's going on?

Eleanor

[turns back to face Tahani, Jason, and Chidi] It took me a while to figure it out. But just now, as we were all fighting, and yelling at each other, and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me: they're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. They can't, because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.

Michael

Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out.

Shawn

All right, idiots. This is Hour 52 of the 4,000-hour presentation on the future of torture.

Jason

He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours?

Michael

Shh.

Jason

Here's what I think: we should throw a Molotov-

Michael

Jason!

Jason

What? I didn't say "cocktail"! I could have meant "Molotov anything", you don't know.

Michael

Look! RIGHT THERE. After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly. Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name that sent 213 women to college. Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, and that little girl actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication. Heh...yikes. Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?

Shawn

Need I remind you that Brent got worse with EVERY second of EVERY moment of EVERY DAY.

Until right at the end...with ten seconds left, he swung WAY up.

Michael

This is it, Your Honor. This is the whole story: NO ONE is beyond rehabilitation. Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being and the points total tells you that, but what that number CAN'T tell you...is who he could've become tomorrow.

...I'll have my ruling shortly.

Tahani

So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.

Shawn

I have to admit, this...DOES make sense...and I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell, I'm in.

Michael

Really?

Shawn

NO. [laughs] You ACTUALLY believed me?

Eleanor

DUDE, in 20 minutes, ALL of humanity is going to be erased forever.

Shawn

And?

Chidi

The Bad Place will get emptied out, too. You will have no one to torture for billions of years. Everyone LOSES.

Shawn

Oh, I know. But here's the thing: I don't care if everyone loses as long as YOU lose.

Michael

Shawn, listen to reason!

Shawn

WHY should I? None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.

Jason

Shawn, you used to be cool, but you've changed, man.

Shawn

I'm gonna go write an evil speech for when this is all over. It is gonna be SO...long.

This meeting of the Joint Council of Afterlife Affairs is called to order. Let's make this quick, kids. I just started re-watching "The Leftovers". Honestly, when I found out that Carrie Coon was never nominated, I almost erased 2% of humanity. Michael? Update?

Michael

Things are going fairly well. A new crop of humans just passed their tests. Among the notables who got in: Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston, Saint Thomas Aquinas...

Chidi

YES!!

Michael

Eighth-century Sufi mystic poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri, and Clara Peller.

Michael

She was the "Where's the beef?" lady.

Ohhhh.

Michael

"Where's the beef?" lady got in, SO...that's fun. Honestly, our biggest problem is that we need more architects and actors.

Well, sorry, but these younger demon actors have no dedication to their craft. They think they can just start acting. They have to learn that acting is reacting, and reacting is pre-acting. But pre-acting? Well...that's just being.

Okay, take it down a notch, Daniel Day-Lewis. Shawn, what you got?

Shawn

Well, I'll begin by saying that this new system stinks, and Michael stinks, and we should throw this all in the garbage and go back to the way it used to be when everyone was tortured.

Michael

There's still some bumps in the road, but this system is good and it's working. Come on, admit it.

Shawn

I will never...ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever ever, ever...ever...EVER admit that.

Michael

I know, buddy. I know.