Jason quotes from The Good Place

Eleanor

What are you waiting for? Do it!

Michael

It's not that easy. He lived a whole life, and then 802 afterlives, and a second life, then a second afterlife, and then a third "first" afterlife, h-his psyche's like a giant bowl of M&M Peep Chili. I gotta make sure all the memories go in the right place in the right order. Maybe I just start him at the beginning, a full factory reset.

Eleanor

Man...Janet, can I please have a drink with a lot of alcohol in it?

Jason

Here, I saved this from my funeral. It's called a Duval Ditchwater. It's Midori, Coffee-Mate, and ditch water.

I'll get you a margarita.

Eleanor

Yeah, that sounds better.

Jason

It's not! Seriously, try this.

Tahani

So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.

Shawn

I have to admit, this...DOES make sense...and I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell, I'm in.

Michael

Really?

Shawn

NO. [laughs] You ACTUALLY believed me?

Eleanor

DUDE, in 20 minutes, ALL of humanity is going to be erased forever.

Shawn

And?

Chidi

The Bad Place will get emptied out, too. You will have no one to torture for billions of years. Everyone LOSES.

Shawn

Oh, I know. But here's the thing: I don't care if everyone loses as long as YOU lose.

Michael

Shawn, listen to reason!

Shawn

WHY should I? None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.

Jason

Shawn, you used to be cool, but you've changed, man.

Shawn

I'm gonna go write an evil speech for when this is all over. It is gonna be SO...long.

Chidi

So, these computers have access to every file for every human currently in the Bad Place, and the three of us have a very important job.

Eleanor

To find out which former U.S. Presidents were secretly gay.

Chidi

NO.

Eleanor

Okay, fine, bi.

Chidi

Sure, but also, while Michael is trying to get the Architects trained, we're supposed to find the first 1,000 humans to take the test. People who will just sail right through it so we can build confidence in the system. So what are the criteria? Should it be...people with the highest point totals or overcame the greatest hardship...

Jason

I think we just start with the gimmes. The very best people who ever lived, so...Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me, DJ Jazzy Jeff...a genie so we can wish for infinity people.

Chidi

Jason-

Jason

Sure, throw me in there, too, ALSO Fat Bastard, the World's Most Interesting Man, Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive! [sighs] Feels like a good stopping point. Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow. Great job, everyone!

Chidi

Hey. Um...I'm sorry I said that before, man.

Jason

No...you were right. Janet and I ARE different. Maybe it can't last. Maybe we're like the Montagues and Capulets.

Chidi

How do you know that?

Jason

I read SOME books, man, jeez!

Chidi

[sighs] All right, listen...maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense, but who cares? The relationship you have built together is wonderful. She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters.

Jason

Do you really believe that?

Chidi

Of course I do.

Jason

SUCKER!

Chidi

...Sorry?

Jason

I got you SO BAD! Dude, pretend what you just said was what you said to you instead of to me. And you have to listen to yourself because it was already in your own head and then came out. But just put it back in your head and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor!

Chidi

...Against all odds, I know what you mean and I-I got to give it up. That was...that was good.

Jason

Yeah, it was! Chess...MATE.

Tahani

That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.

Eleanor

Who was it? Prince? It's gotta be Prince. Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up and we got to start over.

Michael

No...it's YOU guys.

Jason

...ffffor real?

Michael

The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test. Turns out that...saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points. You're in!

Michael

I know, I know, it's real this time. I promise. Get in.

Chidi

Are you coming, too?

Michael

Yeah, I figured I would. Recently unemployed, might as well do some traveling. Shall we?

Jason

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!

Tahani

We're finally headed to the Good Place. It's the "me" of places!

Tahani

I-I got in, I can say stuff like that again.

Jason

Are you sure we're going the right way, Janet?

Well, I've never been to the Good Place before, but yes, I'm sure.

Jason

How?

Because it feels like I'm on my way home.

Jason

Flying puppy!

You're almost there! Just a little further!

Michael

Flying puppies? Dang it, Michael, why didn't you think of that for your neighborhood? These guys are GOOD.

Chidi

Weird...

Jason

Whoa! This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites Hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court.

Eleanor

But this has to be MY party, because that's the bedpan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998!

Eleanor

It was a classic moment, don't judge me!

I'm so sorry, guys. The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time. When you walked in as a group, it became-

Tahani

A mish-mash of all four of us.

Eleanor

[sighs] It's PERFECT.

You can sit on that bench as long as you want. Whenever you're ready, you just walk through.

Jason

I love you, Janet.

I love you, too, Jason.

Jason

I hope you have a nice rest of eternity.

Mm.

Jason

I made you something. [fidgets through his pocket] AW DIP, I lost it!

It's okay!

Jason

No, it's not! I made you this cool thing so you remember me even when you're married to Aquaman, and I...lost it somewhere in this forest. Some magical squirrel probably ate it.

Jason, it's okay. I'm never gonna forget you. In fact, to me, you won't even really be gone. I don't experience time the same way you do. I kind of live all times at once.

Jason

I know what you mean. Once, I smoked salvia, and saw the past and the future at the same time...

Mm.

Jason

Then I tried to brush my teeth with my cat.

To me, remembering moments with you is the same as living in them.

Jason

Can you just remember the happy times and forget the bad stuff?

There was no bad stuff. It was all good.

Jason

Oh, dip! You're back!

JASON!?

Jason

Yeah!

Wha...but how...why-

Jason

Funny story! Remember how I made you something and I thought I lost it because it wasn't in my pocket?

Uh-huh?

Jason

Turns out it was in my OTHER pocket! By the time I found it, you were gone. I was just gonna leave it for you, but I was worried it would get eaten by that magic squirrel. So, I decided to wait for you to come back. Every so often, a different Janet came, but...I knew it wasn't you.

Jason, it's been, like, a THOUSAND Bearimies.

Jason

I know, but I wanted to see you again. It was actually pretty easy to wait.

Jason

I sort of just sat quietly and let my mind drift away...thought about you, and the infinity of the universe.

Kind of like a monk.

Jason

What do you mean?

Um...

Jason

Looks good, not-a-girl.

Jason

Chidi, wait up!